Changing Man

[The Wifey]

Ok, and here's a story on me...

H and I were going for what the Brits call a 'naughty week-end' and I had a few choice items packed in a little zipper case in my checked luggage - BOB, silk scarves, a blindfold - er - sleep mask, assorted lacy things. Now, if you travel a lot, you'll remember that sometimes your checked luggage gets searched and when they do that they leave a little printed note letting you know that they've pawed through your stuff.

They left my note *inside* my zipper case.

Love this, Dia. My nephew works for airport security and he has some very interesting stories.

[The Wifey]

(((Gardener))) How was retreat weekend? I hope you came back refreshed and centered.

[Gardener]

Wifey (and everybody),

(((Gardener))) How was retreat weekend? I hope you came back refreshed and centered.

Thank you. Not really. A bit. Had to tell my sitch to some who I haven't seen since last retreat. That was very hard, As I mentioned couple of weeks ago about the annual letter-to-ourselves Warning! End of answer to Wifey, Beginning of long cr@ppy journaling:

So, every year I go on a Christian retreat for a weekend. Have been for 23 years running.

Last few years, they've had us write ourselves a letter, summing up our experience and listing our hopes for growth - spiritual and otherwise - for the coming year. Write an envelope addressing it to ourselves and sealing it. The retreat staff then collects them and mails them to us next year a few weeks before our next retreat. Got mine yesterday. Forgot all about it (always do). Opened it eagerly to see what last year's Gardener had to say.

Last year's Gardener described the beautiful day while I was writing me. Discussed some spiritual insights of the weekend. One or two deep touching moments and then at the end wrote: "And this is the retreat you didn't want to go to, remember? Out-of-sorts because things are not quite right at home. Not bad. Just not right. Not connected. That's not us. Gotta get home and talk to (Mrs. G)." Further down I wrote, "Gotta go see (Gardener Family Doctor). This worry in my head is more than that. It's crushing me, paralyzing me. Something's wrong.'

And finally,"So how'd that talk with (Mrs. Gardener) go? How did the heart-to-heart, the counseling, the whatever go? How are you and (Mrs. Gardener) doing today, one year later?"

Went home, renewed by the retreat to talk to my wife. She began the conversation first with the Bomb, "I've gotten an apartment."

Needless to say, I didn't write a letter to "me" this year.

Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the bomb (retreat Sunday), today's the actual anniv. (November 9).

I'm just really bummed today. Can't shake it this time. Nothing's helping. Even my body must know: I went to bed last night about 11:30, I think. Woke up at 2:30. PM! Like my body wanted to avoid as much of this day as possible.

The illusion of detachment seems to have gone AWOL. I had to turn off my i-pod just now because "Shuffle Songs" decided to f*ck with Gardener's head and heart, conspiring to play only every romantic, poignant, joy-of-love, soul-mate-finding song Mr. & Mrs. G. have associated with finding each other over the last seventeen years.

Started to cry a couple of times (when the hell does that ever end?), morosely sang along to one or two, but when they kept coming and coming, I turned the damn thing off (which was better than my first inclination to throw the f;ing thing right through the window.)

Came home early yesterday to find my wife, BIL, and Best-Sister-In-Law-In-The-World emptying more stuff. Put on my Happy, I'm Gonna Be Fine No Matter What Face and enjoyed it as much as I could. SIL and I are close, though we haven't talked about the sitch. She seemed out of sorts, a bit different. Wife put on a show by dropping the cold,dead eyes and disdainful expression shtick, which was a relief, even if phony.

Later last night I called her and said "Hey, SIL, I have a question." SIL "What?" Me: "We still good? You and I still good, here?" she said of course! Why would you ask that? I said well, you never know what collateral damage there will be in a divorce and you seemed different. She assured me it was just a cold.
I told her I wanted to break our no talking agreement and talk to her. She said Fine, about what? I said I'll email ya.

And I did. I let loose. Everything from the retreat letter bomb day til today one year later. I said nothing about my wife/her sister, though I did reference her a couple of times. Just me, my point of view about what I've experienced, the roller coaster, all the WTFs, etc.

It felt good. Told her I felt unburdened, hoped I didn't burden her. I doubt it. She's cool. We love each other. And I didn't wake up this morning thinking, "Oh, no! What the hell did I go and do that for? In writing! In an e mail!", no less! Which was good. I trust her. She still says "I have no idea what's wrong with Mrs. G. Never seen her like this. Haven't a clue."

S, 31 called me an hour ago. His WAW (30 days ago) served him today. I feel so bad for him. For her (she's a sweet girl, my DIL). And for GS, 4. And for me and all of us as the loving blended family Mrs. G. and I built and nurtured these past 17 years is just fracturing and fragmenting all to hell.

Only good thing today, I had real estate broker come by for a walk-thru to show him everything I've done to the house. More importantly, to run my still-to-do-list by him. I suspect that since it's still my house and I've always taken very good care of it, I might be going overboard. Sure enough, we walked through my list and he just kept saying, "Screw it," Don't bother," "Don't waste your time." Not necessary," and he eliminated about three quarters of the list! Thank God. I know this is probably stupid, but I'm proud of what I've done to this 85-yr-old white elephant in the last 11 years, especially the now-empty second floor addition which I put on for my mom, who's no longer with us and where my S, DIL, and GS stayed this year. So if anyone's interested, here it is: http://www.doawalkthru.com/html/brookside3.html. (anyone wanna buy it?)

I sure love this old place. God, am I going to miss it and all the blended family holidays, fun, and great times that went on within its walls!

Any way, to be redundant, today life sucks. I hurt. I'll be fine, though.
Thanks for listening to this long lament. Long enough to probably be a record-setter for Gardener!
Hope ya all got my retreat prayers this weekend

[SpyBunny]

Hi Gardener-

I'm sorry today was such a downer for you- I hope tomorrow is better! Maybe you should still write that letter to yourself. When you open it this time next year, it could show you how far you've come from the pain you felt today. Just an idea...

I'm glad you were able to talk to your SIL, and I hope that helped to let her in. And I'm sorry to hear about your S's situation. When it rains, it pours, huh? But I've heard that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. (It may not seem like it at the time, but that's what I've heard..) Your family is really lucky to have such a great guy like you, even if your W doesn't realize it, it sounds like the others do. Take care-

Hugs, Bunny

PS- the house is gorgeous- it really shows the care you took with it.

[Gardener]

Bunny,

Hi Gardener-

I'm sorry today was such a downer for you- I hope tomorrow is better! Maybe you should still write that letter to yourself. When you open it this time next year, it could show you how far you've come from the pain you felt today. Just an idea...

I'm glad you were able to talk to your SIL, and I hope that helped to let her in. And I'm sorry to hear about your S's situation. When it rains, it pours, huh? But I've heard that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. (It may not seem like it at the time, but that's what I've heard..) Your family is really lucky to have such a great guy like you, even if your W doesn't realize it, it sounds like the others do. Take care-

Hugs, Bunny

PS- the house is gorgeous- it really shows the care you took with it.

Thank you, Bunny.
And you're right, now would be the perfect time to write a letter to Gardener 2010, not the worst time like I thought yesterday.

If God never gives us more than we can handle, then He must truly think that all of us on this forum possess super strength and resources!

I don't remember if I went over to check up on your sitch earlier today So many threads/people (more and more each day), so little time. Think I did. I'll double check later. Hope all is well.

Keep going.

[brownidmom]

Bunny,

Hi Gardener-


PS- the house is gorgeous- it really shows the care you took with it.

If God never gives us more than we can handle, then He must truly think that all of us on this forum possess super strength and resources!

I concur on the house. It is lovely. I love CT, my H is from CT. Always thought we'd move there someday so our boys could be closer to family.

As for God not giving us more than we can handle, I always comment in my talks in the shower every morning "I am not as strong as you think, maybe ease up on me a bit." But I know I am here for a reason.

While looking at your house, a few things stuck out, the two green lawn chairs peeking through the window, the walkways, the stone wall, and the sign above one of your doorways that read "It is what it is." Doesn't that just say it all in one little ball of wax?!?! I answer a lot of what is happening inside of me at any given moment with that statement- "It sure as heck is what it dingdang is!!!

Oh, and Gardener, I just KNOW that your retreat next year will show that you have found some well-deserved peace. You deserve it, my friend.

BIM

[givingitmyall]

Gardener,

Sorry you had a rough day. My anniversary was recent and while I bought a book for W, there was no acknowledgment from her of that day. I understand. Significant days are a bit!h.

There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to grieve. Get it out and, more importantly, get it OVER. Just don't let yourself crawl down in that hole. Tough climb out.

The house is beautiful. But, you know what? Your next house will be just as gorgeous and is waiting for new family memories. And you WILL fill it that way.

Go back and review the cognitive dissonance stuff (wikipedia is a great source). Change your thought and change your emotion.

What's really eating at you that has you down? Is it the death of the M? Or is it fear that you are unlovebale or won't find happiness?

For me, it has been a fear I would not find happiness, would be lonely, and was not worthy of love. And, those simply aren't reasonable thoughts. They are perfect examples of negative, pervasive thoughts (see "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligmen) - "I will NEVER be happy," "No one will EVER love me," "I will ALWAYS be lonely."

So, if I change my unreasonable (and negative thinking) thoughts to a more rational viewpoint: "I will find happiness," "I will not be lonely," "Someone will love me,", then my emotions will follow along. Try it. It works.

[SmileysPerson]

Forget it. It's a new day.

"Grief is the agony of an instant; the indulgence of a grief the blunder of a lifetime." Benjamin Disraeli

Don't let yesterday's sorrow determine today's outcomes. If you keep re-living the past, then it really isn't the past, is it?

[antlers]

Forget it. It's a new day.

"Grief is the agony of an instant; the indulgence of a grief the blunder of a lifetime." Benjamin Disraeli

Don't let yesterday's sorrow determine today's outcomes. If you keep re-living the past, then it really isn't the past, is it?

Easy to articulate...harder to do. Notwithstanding, it's all true what Smiley is saying here.

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener)))

I am glad you are home my friend and I am sorry you are down...Your house is beautiful and you did a wonderful job from what I can see.

I hope today is a better day


Thought of you when I read this...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 3:5-6