In shock...

[praying_in_GA]

Patience....my biggest obstacle. LOL!!

Thank you all. My goal tonight is to read as much of the book as possible.

[sandi2]

Britt, I sent a post and then deleted it b/c I just kept getting myself in deeper.... IMHO, I think your MC was really being very gentle with you.....instead of coming across like I do. ( )

We women usually want to place a lot of meaning to sex.....and we relate certain events or times having more meaning when we are intimate with our H's. However, from all that I've read and heard......men can very easily separate having sex from any thing else. To most men...it's just sex! Kind of takes the romance out of it, doesn't it?

The reason I said what I did about his age.....is mostly b/c (as I barely remember...lol) most 25 yr old males always have sex on the brain and seldom turns down a chance to have it. All the time you were probably attaching a lot of meaning or trying to figure out his feelings....he was just enjoying the fact he had sex. Sorry I'm so plain, but don't know how to say this very well.

I do hope your MC is right, Britt....but please don't set yourself up for disappointment.

[sandi2]

I know I need to read the book. I am at work tonight and I get a lot of reading done here. I hope it will shed some light on this. I am so confused about going against his 'complaint' to get him back.

I hope you can too, sweetie. Don't feel alone about being confused. Many people do b/c a lot of the DR principles seem just opposite of what you "think" you should do. That is why I wrote what I did in my signature line b/c so many people have said the same thing you did. But the principles work! I'm going to give you a list that I call the quick guide of the DR principles. Sometimes one or two of these have to be adjusted a bit for the individual stitch, but I hope you can get what it is about. "Detaching" is the secret....and we can talk more about that, if you want to. Here's the list. I hope it helps. I call it the Do's & Don'ts for the LBS.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

[motherof3]

PIGA,

I feel your pain. Patience is certainly not one of my best attributes. It is very hard for me to understand and accept that if my M is to repaired, it is not going to happen over night. Someone once told me that you can except to apply 1 month of DBing for every year that you have been in the relationship or marraige. I have been married 9 yrs, so I fully except to be hard at work DBing for at least 9 months to a year.

Hang in there.

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks Sandi! I will have to paste those to my journal for quick reference.

All of those will be a challenge, but I know I will figure out how to make it work! I do love him and I will not give up.

[Gardener]

Kind of a hijack alert
Sandi, I don't think I've ever taken issue with anything you've ever posted, but

However, from all that I've read and heard......men can very easily separate having sex from any thing else.

True there are differences - basic and obvious - like most women need emotional connectedness to want sex whereas most men need sex to truly induce and provide that same intense emotional connectedness and bonding. BUT

To most men...it's just sex!

is simply not true. Most boys, sure. Most guys, pretty much, But most men? No. Real men and women make love. Men and women can (and often do) prefer sex over making love at times (in fact the handful of times on this forum I've heard a preference for "good ol' Caveman Sex", it was expressed by women, not men). Both men and women can and do approach it equally as "playtime", too.

Kind of takes the romance out of it, doesn't it?

I think that while they don't show it easily or anywhere near as easily as women, most men are truly romantics at heart. I hear it often from many of the men on this forum. In a "survey" of LBHs on the WAW forum, one of the questions was "What do you miss the most about your WAW? " I answered - among other aspects of missing my wife -"the honor, privilege, and ecstasy of being inside her sexually."
Don't get me wrong, the caveman sex, spontanaity, role-playing and "toys" all have a large place in it, too! You betcha!

Stepping off my carnal soapbox, now.

But I believe most men are all these things in their heart of hearts.

[Lll54]

Good for you PIGA, I'm the same thinker you are.Some people have suggested another woman to me as well. But there is just no way, no reason, just doesn't make sense. My H is very against infidelity, he has made that clear to me in the past many times, so I believe my husband as well. I too love him and won't give up. Here's to us!

[praying_in_GA]

Nevermind!!! That's what I get for asking before I finish reading the section!!

[sandi2]

I didn't mean any offense. To "me" a 25 yr old is still a boy, but that is b/c of my age.....not so much his. BTW, I do not use the word "boy" in a negative sense at all! I was trying to be funny in a weird way and it backfired. However, what I said about my statement was built upon what I've heard from people such as Dr. Phil and other TV personalities, and read in books, and heard from people in person. Out of curiousity, how would you describe what Britt's H did? Would you say he had anything deep & meaningful when he had sex with her that last time? Or do you think that the hugging & kissing led to the bedroom and that led to having sex? She is wondering if he had some reason for that......and I'm thinking he's a young man who is in an intimate situation and M to this young lady.....so why not have sex! I was saying that based on what I had heard & read, that he could have this intimate time with her without any particular emotional meaning attached to it, whereas women want to put some type of significance to that time. JMHO, but a reminder of how different men & women are.

[praying_in_GA]

This is probably a stupid question and I probably already know the answer to it....but, We are attending my nephews (on his side) birthday party Sunday. The usual way things work: I buy a gift and sign all four of our names to the card. Now that we are separated it is okay to leave his name off, right? He is not living here, he did not participate in the buying process, it is from me and the kids...

One more...I am in a "Last Resort" situation. I have a few things planned for the upcoming weekend. Sunday night I have a shower to attend and next Friday we have girls night out to have dinner and see New Moon. Do I ask him if he would like to spend that time with the kids or do I find alternate arrangements?