I posted in the newcomers but needed advice

[P17]

It makes me feel good that I can give something back.

I will tell you a story ... may be long, but I hope it helps you as this is what made me realise what WAS actually do.

On 5 October I had a lunch with my W show told me that we had no future and that it was over. Okay, I was upset and I wasn't giving up but I listened and we spoke to for 90 minutes. I then went to a friends house and spoke to her about it.

Within about an hour of the 'we're over' talk I got a text from my W asking if I wanted to go for a walk on the beach with the dog. I said sure, and she picked me up 30 minutes later.

The SECOND (and I do mean the SECOND) I got into the car she started on me as to how EVERYTHING I did in the relationship was wrong. In fact, she said to me the SECOND I got in, had I listened to the local radio as they had a thing about relationships and what to do when they break up and that I had done EVERYTHING WRONG that they said I shouldn't do and everything on the checklist was wrong and she said it with a smug smile.

That 90 minutes on the beach taught me an awful lot as she criticised and blamed me for everything. Now you can listen to somebody who tells you you did this or that wrong. Or you made a mistake here and there. Common sense tells you though that when somebody blames you for EVERYTHING, something is amiss. You can't possibly be to blame for everything in a relationship that the two of you were in. Alarm bells ring.

Remember, they doth protest too much ... it really does make sense.

What this walk made me realise is that when somebody blames you for things in such a forceful way that they are in fact telling you something. Two and two don't compute. Things don't add up. What they are telling you is that they cannot deal with their feelings which are most likely grief, guilt, hurt and upset.

Think back to when you really hurt. What did you do - you blamed somebody else for the pain. You blamed your mum, dad, spouse, whatever. You blamed somebody else because when you put that blame onto somebody else you can completely disown your part in it and make it their responsibility. It's really easy. We have ALL done it. It's human nature. The human brain is an incredibly wonderful piece of architecture. However, you need to remember that the brain is a liar. It has to be in order to make you feel better - as I said, it's human nature. Nothing you can do about it or you H. It is what it is.

Your H is blaming you for his pain. Why? Because he can't deal with it. If he blames you for it then he puts that responsibility onto you and he absolves himself for responsibility. Human nature.

My advice is to do one or both of these things - you MUST ignore what he says. He's not speaking. His hurt, guilt and upset is. The second is optional - fog him. Agree with him and negate his criticism. Works wonders if you keep at it.

Don't worry about him not wanting you. He's speaking to you which I would give my right arm for with my W! You just need to listen to what he says and not what he is saying ... difficult I know.