In shock...

[praying_in_GA]

The problem with using intimacy as a 180 is that he wants me to back off on the hugs and such. He said he doesn't want me to get hurt. Early on in the separation he said that IF we were to stay together it would take a long time. The other day he said "We both know where this is headed." I think he sees how much I want this to work and how unwilling I am to let go of it and he wants to minimize the pain I feel. That is one reason I can't believe much of what he says. He still cares about me and wants to see me happy, but he is going through this thing right now.

He told me last week that he wanted me to be mad at him so I wouldn't cry so much. It makes me think some of the things he is doing is to push me in that direction.

[sandi2]

Hi, glad you found your way over to our community. There are some wonderful people here and you'll discover that they will give you the advice you "need" to hear more than just stuff you "want" to hear. It's kind of hard to take, at times, but if you really want to DB this M, then you'll be strong and take the advice and do the work.

Have you completed the DR book yet? You need to as quickly as possible so you will know how this all works.

It is so important to take good care of yourself. I saw something on TV that showed how going without sleep was so harmful to our bodies. I hope you will do something that would help you sleep. If nothing else, ask for somebody to keep you children a night or two so you can take some over-the -counter sleep aids and get a good night sleep.


Okay, now I'm going to say something that you won't want to hear, but I hope you will think about it. If your H cannot give you a reason other than he needs some space to think things out, or b/c he's going through this "thing"... then I hope you are braced, b/c more than likely you are going to be hit with something huge. Men usually don't decide to leave their family to just think about things......usually there is another woman involved somewhere.

[Lll54]

My H says and does things as well so to lessen the pain for us. My H is the same way. He feels guilty leaving and wants to make sure I'm okay and gonna survive so he offers hugs here and there, and offers to stay overnight to help with kids when it just makes things worse. That's why everybody says not to believe what you hear and only believe half of what they do. You have to give it time. Show him that you ARE fine. That he doesn't have to say and do things to cushion your fall. That you don't need the cushion cause you're not falling. I showed my H that and things took a turn. I'm starting that route over again today. We'll see if it works. As my H came in for a hug today again. Was it for his own reasons? Or was it cause he was protecting me again. I don't know, and I don't care to think about it. Again, only time will tell.

[praying_in_GA]

People keep saying ther has to be someone else, but I can tell you there is not. He is not your typical male. He does actually have a good grasp on his sensitive side. Him saying he needs to think about things and wants to take the time to figure out if this is what he wants is the truth. His sister is very involved in our life and has also stated that he is not seeing anyone.

If things change and I find out he is then I will deal with it, but I believe him.

[praying_in_GA]

I have another question. I keep reading to give him space, physical and emotional. He asked me to 'back off' on the hugs and I love yous so I won't get hurt...not because it was bothering him. As I stated earlier, one of our problems was lack of intimacy and that we had lost that original feeling. So, do I abandon the idea of making sure he knows I love him and want to be with him?

Last week I had begun the Love Dare before I found this book. Should I stop that even though it follows one of our issues?

[sandi2]

So, I am to act cordial, not hug or 'I love you", and just get on with getting ready for work?

This is why you need to hurry and read the book. No more hugs, no more kisses, and no more ILY's. You don't touch his arm (or anything else).

Stop the Love Dare book! It is not what you need to use. Read the DR book only.

[sandi2]

As my H came in for a hug today again. Was it for his own reasons?

Britt, your H is 25 yrs old......what do you think?

[praying_in_GA]

I know I need to read the book. I am at work tonight and I get a lot of reading done here. I hope it will shed some light on this. I am so confused about going against his 'complaint' to get him back.

[Virtually_Handsome]

There are a few things you will find about DBing.

A lot of it is counterintuitve. But, how was the intuitive stuff working out for you?

And if what you are doing isn't working, try something else.

Even though he says that his complaint is that you were not affectionate enough, I don't think that is what he is asking for now. Patience.

[Lll54]

Sandy, my MC seems to think it was his way of getting me through this and his way of lessening my pain. What are you saying about his age? Not quiet getting it? Thanks!

PI-GA, good for you for getting the book so quickly. I haven't read DR yet just DB. I hear DR is better. Hope to get it soon, I have to order it as I live in small town where its unavailable.
p.s. he knows you love him and want to be with him. You didn't walk out on him did you? No! So don't worry about having to show him that. You now need to show him that you are fine without him. GAL, 180's etc. Stay strong, and read the book. Let me know how it is and if it explains your confusion at all.