My experience has been that I've been dealing with a different person than the one I've known all these years (her)! It's hard to accept it, but when it hits you smack in the face...you've got to...even though I don't understand it. She's like a different person...an alien !
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Well her too...but what I mean is I feel when I look back on MYSELF that things are different. I doesn't feel like I am looking at me but maybe a distorted version of me.
It feels like I was acting more intense and a little outside of myself. Like I wasn't behind the wheel all the time.
This is a bad way to describe it but it's a little like waking up after too many and asking, "Hmmm...did I really say that? I remember something with a lampshade...tell me that wasn't me." (I've had too many of those days hence I quit.)
I don't know what's wrong. I have few things I regret from that time and feel fine about my actions, however something seems unnatural.
Last edited by orangedog; 11/09/0910:31 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Oh...OK. When I look back at myself and the way I used to be...I am filled with regret, remorse, shame, etc.. I am so different now, in so many ways, and they are all improvements. Doesn't matter to her though.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
It is an unnatural feeling. It goes counter to a core belief. That unnatural feeling? I could not comprehend it, was in my own fog of fear, denial... could not process the information.
My former spouse was committed to the divorce, was gone the moment he said he was miserable, shut the door and went his own way. It took me a whole lot longer.
If I could do it over again, I would have agreed to the divorce lickety-split, divided everything up before his alpha male "I will crush you" mentality kicked in.
Yet.. lots of growth went on during the process. I don't know how much DBing works on a spouse who is completely gone. Or rather.. I knew it was over, but feared I didn't DB enough so I kept 'trying'. The fear of failure added to the angst of divorce.
The same was probably also true with my former spouse. While there were a few glimmers of things turning around, in the end db only saved myself from becoming a train wreck and left her with a good ending impression. It was already too late for the marriage.
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One of the things that really got me was sometimes how a comment from a counselor (my own counselor excepted), pdoc, and lawyer hinted the whole sitch was routine, or a timeline. Kind of like there is nothing different about you or this whole thing.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Well O'dog, since you brought it up... are you planning on renting dive/snorkeling gear for your Hawaii trip? I havent been diving in years, but I would love to start up again! What about an underwater camera?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Funny that you should ask. I had to open a box to find a bike blinky light earlier this evening and I found my pictures from Australia..including some underwater pics.
I haven't planned that far ahead yet but I try to go diving at least once or twice when I go someplace warm (use their stuff), and I try to snorkel as much as I can. Usually when I go to HA I get the Snorkel Bob's package of stuff (board, chair, umbrella, etc.). I don't know what's on the big island but I plan to find out.
A real camera would be fun. I have some pics from disposable underwater cams with the predicted quality and lighting issues but nothing from a real camera. ___
In other news, went out for food with some people from work. It was really fun and relaxing.
Last edited by orangedog; 11/10/0906:06 AM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
One of my dreams is to go to Thailand and dive with cuttlefish. They are super interesting little creatures, they are in Australia, did you happen to see any while you were there?
I had a dive camera that was excellent, I dont remember the brand though, I would recommend high speed film (probably not a concern anymore with digitals), and take care of those O rings. I was in the Bahamas on the first dive of the trip when my camera started taking on water.
Some of the smaller cameras really do well, you dont have to have the gigantic professional unit necessarily, but I would make sure that it has a good flash. If your buddy has a light they can sort of supplement it.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I drowned a camera in the Bahamas too. Of course it wasn't supposed to be in the water at all (getting out of a boat and lost my footing in some sandy muck) but that's a another story...
Anyway, I don't remember any cuttlefish there. I saw sooo much stuff but it was all so new and hard to take in. I know the fishes and corals (at least of Hawaii) so much better now so I feel like I can understand and remember what I'm looking at.
Hmmm...guess that means I need to go back and have another look.
Last edited by orangedog; 11/10/0907:10 AM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I was thinking the same thing about France, I was just 15 when I went, and I think that I would have had a much better experience if I had been a little older... I guess that means I should go back!
I hadnt even thought about that, but studying the life you were seeing before you go is a great idea!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
