Changing Man

[Gardener]

Wifey (and everybody),

(((Gardener))) How was retreat weekend? I hope you came back refreshed and centered.

Thank you. Not really. A bit. Had to tell my sitch to some who I haven't seen since last retreat. That was very hard, As I mentioned couple of weeks ago about the annual letter-to-ourselves Warning! End of answer to Wifey, Beginning of long cr@ppy journaling:

So, every year I go on a Christian retreat for a weekend. Have been for 23 years running.

Last few years, they've had us write ourselves a letter, summing up our experience and listing our hopes for growth - spiritual and otherwise - for the coming year. Write an envelope addressing it to ourselves and sealing it. The retreat staff then collects them and mails them to us next year a few weeks before our next retreat. Got mine yesterday. Forgot all about it (always do). Opened it eagerly to see what last year's Gardener had to say.

Last year's Gardener described the beautiful day while I was writing me. Discussed some spiritual insights of the weekend. One or two deep touching moments and then at the end wrote: "And this is the retreat you didn't want to go to, remember? Out-of-sorts because things are not quite right at home. Not bad. Just not right. Not connected. That's not us. Gotta get home and talk to (Mrs. G)." Further down I wrote, "Gotta go see (Gardener Family Doctor). This worry in my head is more than that. It's crushing me, paralyzing me. Something's wrong.'

And finally,"So how'd that talk with (Mrs. Gardener) go? How did the heart-to-heart, the counseling, the whatever go? How are you and (Mrs. Gardener) doing today, one year later?"

Went home, renewed by the retreat to talk to my wife. She began the conversation first with the Bomb, "I've gotten an apartment."

Needless to say, I didn't write a letter to "me" this year.

Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the bomb (retreat Sunday), today's the actual anniv. (November 9).

I'm just really bummed today. Can't shake it this time. Nothing's helping. Even my body must know: I went to bed last night about 11:30, I think. Woke up at 2:30. PM! Like my body wanted to avoid as much of this day as possible.

The illusion of detachment seems to have gone AWOL. I had to turn off my i-pod just now because "Shuffle Songs" decided to f*ck with Gardener's head and heart, conspiring to play only every romantic, poignant, joy-of-love, soul-mate-finding song Mr. & Mrs. G. have associated with finding each other over the last seventeen years.

Started to cry a couple of times (when the hell does that ever end?), morosely sang along to one or two, but when they kept coming and coming, I turned the damn thing off (which was better than my first inclination to throw the f;ing thing right through the window.)

Came home early yesterday to find my wife, BIL, and Best-Sister-In-Law-In-The-World emptying more stuff. Put on my Happy, I'm Gonna Be Fine No Matter What Face and enjoyed it as much as I could. SIL and I are close, though we haven't talked about the sitch. She seemed out of sorts, a bit different. Wife put on a show by dropping the cold,dead eyes and disdainful expression shtick, which was a relief, even if phony.

Later last night I called her and said "Hey, SIL, I have a question." SIL "What?" Me: "We still good? You and I still good, here?" she said of course! Why would you ask that? I said well, you never know what collateral damage there will be in a divorce and you seemed different. She assured me it was just a cold.
I told her I wanted to break our no talking agreement and talk to her. She said Fine, about what? I said I'll email ya.

And I did. I let loose. Everything from the retreat letter bomb day til today one year later. I said nothing about my wife/her sister, though I did reference her a couple of times. Just me, my point of view about what I've experienced, the roller coaster, all the WTFs, etc.

It felt good. Told her I felt unburdened, hoped I didn't burden her. I doubt it. She's cool. We love each other. And I didn't wake up this morning thinking, "Oh, no! What the hell did I go and do that for? In writing! In an e mail!", no less! Which was good. I trust her. She still says "I have no idea what's wrong with Mrs. G. Never seen her like this. Haven't a clue."

S, 31 called me an hour ago. His WAW (30 days ago) served him today. I feel so bad for him. For her (she's a sweet girl, my DIL). And for GS, 4. And for me and all of us as the loving blended family Mrs. G. and I built and nurtured these past 17 years is just fracturing and fragmenting all to hell.

Only good thing today, I had real estate broker come by for a walk-thru to show him everything I've done to the house. More importantly, to run my still-to-do-list by him. I suspect that since it's still my house and I've always taken very good care of it, I might be going overboard. Sure enough, we walked through my list and he just kept saying, "Screw it," Don't bother," "Don't waste your time." Not necessary," and he eliminated about three quarters of the list! Thank God. I know this is probably stupid, but I'm proud of what I've done to this 85-yr-old white elephant in the last 11 years, especially the now-empty second floor addition which I put on for my mom, who's no longer with us and where my S, DIL, and GS stayed this year. So if anyone's interested, here it is: http://www.doawalkthru.com/html/brookside3.html. (anyone wanna buy it?)

I sure love this old place. God, am I going to miss it and all the blended family holidays, fun, and great times that went on within its walls!

Any way, to be redundant, today life sucks. I hurt. I'll be fine, though.
Thanks for listening to this long lament. Long enough to probably be a record-setter for Gardener!
Hope ya all got my retreat prayers this weekend