Not sure what to do

[Lost Rabbit]

You are DB'ing albeit it baby steps but thats the way to go! You didnt get into an arguement today, you didnt pursue or push for an answer which is good stuff, you accepted her nagging as being positive not negative, you are giving her space and her being in the house is definitely making her think, although dont start trying to work it out it will only make your head hurt lol!

Be prepared for thursday to be painful, its not easy to sit there and hear all the negative things you are going to hear about you! Try and listen to them openly, hear what she is saying!

Anyway take care of yourself and keep yourself busy it will be a long week till thursday no doubt!

[stu321]

Thanks rabbit. I do plan on really hearing what she had to say, rather than just listening. It will be hard to hold back from defending myself, but I have to stay calm and understand the impact my actions have made on her. (I will defend myself if she accuses me of cheating, cause I never have and I never will)

I turn 34 in 2 weeks, so it will be interesting to see what happens then. Maybe I'm looking too far ahead and need to concentrate on now ?

[Lost Rabbit]

I agree you should state that you havent had an affair or cheated, but dont be surprised if thats treated with a bit of distrust, unfortunately in this day and age most splits are due to an affair taking place!

Wish I was 34 again I should be so lucky! Just take each day as it comes wondering about a fortnight away isnt good for you, unless of course you are planning a great birthday night for yourself regardless of what your W is doing then thats ok!

[stu321]

I wish I was planning something, but I'm not really in the celebrating mood. I was sort of hoping I could spend it with her and our son, but that might be a longshot.

[bluerain]

Hi stu, I think that you should be planning something for yourself that you can really look forward to. What about taking your son to some kind of father-son super fun activity? Camping, or to a waterpark? You could spend the day together and then spend the evening watching lame scary movies with popcorn and junk food or something like that?

Theres always something to celebrate!

On a different vein- You will have a chance to air your issues, Im guessing that this has been building up within her for some time, and she hasnt ever had a chance to just purge it all without judgement or arguement? Ill bet that if you give her that chance, she will notice.

If she accuses you of cheating, I would just say that you dont appreciate being accused of such a thing, and its disrespectful for her to be trying to say something like that but please, let her finish. But its really important that you dont start "replaying old tapes" by continuing to engage in these totally unproductive patterns where you just start getting more and more angry until all communication has totally disolved into a screaming match.

Also, if this is a legitimate concern that she has (is there anything that you can think of that would give her that impression?) I think that its important that you hear her out... it may be hard, but just think about how you would feel if she wouldnt listen to you if you were expressing similar thoughts to her? Either way, let her finish before you interject, at least.

[stu321]

Thanks. She explained to me why she thought I was cheating and I then explained the situation. She told my sister she still has her doubts.

I'll be the first to admit I hav'nt been the most supportive husband and I bottle things up. But I'm not a cheater. Yes, I do say the wrong things, but I don't do it on purpose, I have the best intentions, but it always comes out wrong. I'm terrible at comforting or saying what I really want to say.

I found I am better at writing than showing or saying, and last time this happened, i wrote it down and read it to her. She then told me she hated me cause it was everything she has wanted to hear from me for such a long time.

[stu321]

We did seperate for a week about 18 months ago, and I did all the wrong things. I didn't give her space. I tried to work on things after I moved back in even though she said she couldn't cause her dad was going through cancer treatment and i started off the same thus time, but I realized what I was doing to her cause I had the same thing being done to me with my family. The constant bombarding of questions. I snapped at my parents and that's when it hit me. Since then, I've pretty much given her the space she wanted (except for 1 lapse when I asked her if she had already made up her mind). I don't regret it, cause she then asked me if I was open to going to councelling with her.

[bluerain]

I think that there is a time to talk about things, but I also think that it needs to be done gingerly, and usually its a terrible idea because as emotional human beings, we are often totally incapable of treading lightly! But you lucked out and this time it worked in your favor! This is good that you realized what you had been doing, thats more effective than anything that we could have tried to pound into your head.

But like I said, if you ask these loaded questions always be mindful that you might get your answer, and it might be just the opposite of what you would like to hear. You might make her feel cornered and make a rash decision that she will likely have trouble moving away from.

[stu321]

Thanks. Our session is in 6 hours time. Any last pieces of advice on what I should/shouldn't do ?

I plan on really listening on what she has to say and will not get defensive. I'm not going to beg or plead with her either.

Thanks all.

[stu321]

Well, that was a waste of time. She told me she was 100% sure she wanted a divorce. I took my wedding band off and left.