I have to stop reacting to anything to do with OW. That is always how the fights start.
Truly detaching means I am letting go of the outcome of his choices... because they are HIS choices, even about her. And the consequences of those choices are also HIS to own.
Our R talk last night included him trying to find ways to convince me that this be a mutual decision so I would soften those consequences for him. I will not do that. Which is why we need to stay away from R talks altogether.
Just popping by to chip in that I think you are doing really well all things considered Rocked . Just remember that it is indeed a rollercoaster, and when there's dips, it's just the way things are, don't take it too hard. And you're getting advice from some very helpful people here.
Deep land is going through a tremor now too, I would have posted more if not for that.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Thanks Deep! I really appreciate you popping in. I will try to pop by your thread sometime too... sorry to hear about the tremor in Deep land. take care!
Hi Rocked As you know, I am having some time away from the board but I think that we are so alike in how we behave toward our H's. My belief is that we react the way we do because we have loved so deeply ... and the cut is so very painful to us. Everyone loves in different ways and to different degrees. I know that this is the most painful experience of my life and it's why I feel it so personally and want to put up a fight to keep my H. I am guessing that you feel the same way. Trouble is, reacting like this pushes them further away. I talked about it to my H on Saturday and he was quite open about that. Read more on my thread, if it interests you.
I am going to ask my C tomorrow evening if she has any advice in stopping me reacting the way I do - I shall pass her tips along, if she has any!
Take care of yourself.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Hi Nell! Nice to hear from you I have a C appt for myself tomorrow evening too! first one, though, so hopefully it is a good C. I appreciate any tips you can offer.
I think you are very right about why we react the way we do. The truth is that I absolutely adored this man, and i realize now had him on a pedestal. I would have done anything for him. I think that is why it cuts so deep... to be tossed aside like this after all that.
But, no sense dwelling on that because it starts the pity party again. I am choosing to start this day strong, confident and knowing what I deserve and need, whether in this M or not. I hope you can do the same!
You seem to be building your PMA - I hope that lasts. I seem to manage it for a while but then it depletes again. Takes me a while to build it back up although all my work with C, I think has taken me to another level. Whilst I sink now, I don't seem to sink back quite as far as I once did.
My C had me write down all the things that I dislike about my H and that was a rude awakening for me. Try the list for yourself - be REALLY honest. It gets your mind to thinking ....
Good luck with your C session - I hope that you get plenty out of it. I don't know how things work with you over there but I have been taking a daily diary with me for the last two sessions. I have found it works quite well - writing my daily thoughts in a summary and then just letting the C read it for five minutes before we start seems to give her a good block to start from. It also helps me on a daily basis. I try to score the day out of 10, so a good day may be 7 or even 8 whilst a crappy day would be 2 or 3. Helps her to benchmark where I'm at.
Let us know how you are going.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Anyone following my sitch might remember that our pastor had called expressing concern about us a few weeks ago. I decided not to tell him what was going on yet. But, he called again and left a message that he would really like us to call.
I called him back today and he dropped everything to meet with me. It turns out OW confessed everything to him and there has indeed been a full PA for some time now.
Which my gut knew.
But, my head and heart were still struggling to accept.
So, here I am.
I confronted H... very calmly.... you would have been proud of me.
He admitted it all.
I told him I still love him and would be willing to work through a healing/restoration process.... BUT.... that is only if he chooses to cut off all contact and we have FULL transparency and disclosure.
H is stating he thinks he is in love with her and that they are God's will for each other. At this point, I think he is planning to leave me.
But, he is still afraid of losing his job, etc. etc.
I am now in the process of determining what to do about exposure. I know it is time for exposure. I am just determining who/when.
I am devestated, but also find the anxiety is finally somewhat relieved now that I actually know the truth.
I am also so sad. The man I knew before was such a good man.
. . . which is why we're not going to be making any exposure decisions tonite.
Rocked, I'm so sorry. I felt this was probably the case, but it really doesn't matter, does it? EA or PA? Either way, he's been horribly unfaithful to you, and to the vows that he took with you.
Let's chat tomorrow about exposure. I do think it's the card you should play now. Time for Shock 'n Awe.
But, he is still afraid of losing his job, etc. etc.
Expect him to come to you several times in the next 24-48 hours, imploring you to tell him what you're going to do about this newfound knowledge. YOU OWE HIM NO ANSWERS on this issue. Feel free to tell him just that.
"You're really not in any position to be making any demands on me, are you?" might be one thing to say.
It will only dull your pain just a bit, but feel free to let him twist in the wind a little bit now.
Puppy, thank you so much. YOu are a lifeline to me right now, as well as this community.
You are right. I don't owe any explanations. I told him when I confronted him that I had a right to seek support and that I would do that. He agreed. But I could tell it made him nervous.
I called my sister and told her, but I know she can be confidential. I just needed someone right after the confrontation, and she was wonderfully supportive. I needed to not feel alone.
Yes, we will talk tomorrow. I will probably take a sleeping pill to get through the night. I will be taking a leave from work for a bit to get myself together and figure out what to do, how to cope. Fortunately, I start IC tomorrow too. Good timing. Don't know if it even makes sense or if H would even go to the next MC appt. scheduled for Friday. I guess he was doing that for show?
. Just remember that it is indeed a rollercoaster, and when there's dips, it's just the way things are, don't take it too hard. And you're getting advice from some very helpful people here.