Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

That is awesome! Maybe he really is starting to take what you are saying to heart. The only warning I will give is it says in DR if there is an overnight turn around to be careful because the feelings are still there underneath. If things go well this week, ask if he will go to counseling with you to show that you are moving in a positive direction, and go from there.

Praying for the best!

[Lucky11too]

Big time bummer! H texts me saying that we should postpone this for another time (til after football season - Arg, are u serious?) since my MIL (watches S) is not feeling well. I can't really argue against that b/c I know how difficult it is to watch S when you are not feeling well, but I'm still a little bummed out. I could sense a little 'cold feet' in his responses though anyways. Maybe this was a good excuse to get out. It might be one of those experiences where he 'scared' himself with his openness and now is pulling back a little. I played it cool, but I just really was hoping this was the start of something new. Oh well, guess I'll just have to call it a small baby step that he initiated it, with the next goal of him actually following thru!

On the bright side though, now it gives S and me a day to do something fun together! (I'll give H one invite, but I am defintely not going to push it). Hmm, where should I take S?

[Lucky11too]

I talked to MIL last night. No wonder why H wanted to cancel our trip. I thought MIL was just fighting a cold - it turns out she was having major chest pain the previous night and almost went to the ER. She went to the dr's yesterday and luckily it wasn't a heart attack, but they are still not really sure what it is. First my mom and now her - what's going on here?! Maybe it's just all the stress of this situation finally catching up with them. It's definitely been hard on them too. =(

So, I was planning on inviting H out with S and I tomorrow (I decided I'm taking him to the park!), but yet I don't want to come accross as pursuing. I know he wants to be more apart of S's life, so I guess i can just send 1 text saying what we are doing and when we are leaving and leave it at that. If he shows up, great, if not, his loss. Is that a good plan? Besides that, I am staying dark. Grr, I feel like I'm playing chess sometimes, every move has to be so carefully calculated, with the hope of one day, finally having the success of a 'check mate'. haha.

[awest1217]

Good analogy. I would say that since it does deal with S you could invite H. Send one text saying exactly where you are going, leaving, coming back, etc so H has control over what he does. It really seems to me that LRT is about giving up control of your spouses life and taking control of your own. You are doing both with this idea. Taking control of what you and S are doing, but at the same time letting H decide and control what he wants to do. Other good thing, H usually sees S on Wednesdays so it is nice to let him still do that. So give him one text, but don't expect anything.

Have a great day!

[awest1217]

Hope today is going well and you are having fun with S and possibly H!

[Lucky11too]

Sent H the text last night about our plans for today. He said "I'll most likely make it." So we'll see what happens today. It's a beautiful day out, so S and I will definitely have a good time at least! =)

[Lucky11too]

So mixed feelings about today. I'm not sure I was the best DBer. H did come which was great, and I know I should take that for what it was, but I still just felt a little annoyed. This morning he texts to find out what the plan was. S was sleeping so I said I would text him when I was on my way. So I did and then I texted him when I got there to tell him which location we were at. So then he finally leaves to come. He gets there and S and I are almost done eating, so I gave him the sandwich that I made (which he said was really good) and we talked a little. He told me he was going to have to leave at 3:30 (it was just before 2 when he got there) for a hair appt. He said he made it for then b/c he thought we would be done by then. Hello, priorites - this was S and wife day. Whatever. I was annoyed but I tried not to show it (hopefully I didn't show it). He was in an ok mood, but still just kind of negative. He talked about how he's really aged since Halloween and how all this was taking a toll on him and how he felt broke all the time. Yeah, try not going out all the time & maybe you'd have more money. It's not like he has any child expenses - which I couldn't help but point out. He agreed. Then he went on to again how my alimony check would pay for his child support check and I just almost laughed at him. He really is in la-la land if he thinks he's getting alimony. And what's with this alimony/child support talk anyways. Grr. Besides that, I wasn't sure how to respond so I was just kind of quiet. The rest of the afternoon went pretty smoothly, we went and fed the ducks (S had a blast throwing the bread at them), then went over to the little zoo they had there. Then it was time for H to leave, so he gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek (like normal) and then said I smelled nice (I put on perfume today which I don't normally wear). I don't know. I just don't know how to describe it. It just felt to me like the whole time was fake. It felt like we were both trying to be nice or something. It was just weird. He went from wanting to get away with me 2 days to this weird hanging thing.

So here's the part where I think I blew it, after he left, I texted him to ask if he wanted to have dinner tonight. I know, I should have just let him go and have him iniate the next contact, but I just thought that since we didn't get to have our trip together, we could at least have dinner. So the answer I got back. "Thanks. Really tired. Just going to go home and sleep." Omg, is that a classic pushoff answer or what. So, I pushed myself just to accept it for what it was and let it go. That was hard though - I think I got a little reattached from the idea of him wanting to get away with me, so I left myself open to get hurt. That's the hurt emotional side. The other part of me says "why are you letting this guy get to you. He is such a jerk. You'd be better off w/o him (except with the how it affects S part)" I don't know. I just was looking for some possible closure (or at least some direction in our R) from having the trip to discuss us. I'm having a lot of trouble being patient. It's going to be a year now and still no direction. The last time we really got into deep conversation about our R (in september) he was still uncertain if he could ever even see me in his future. In some ways a "no" would be easier then the continuous "i don't knows"...

hmm, I think I'm kind of just in a pensive, bummed out mood tonight. Going to go watch some TV. Hopefully I'll have a better outlook tomorrow...

[ClingingToHope]

I just was looking for some possible closure (or at least some direction in our R) from having the trip to discuss us. I'm having a lot of trouble being patient. It's going to be a year now and still no direction. The last time we really got into deep conversation about our R (in september) he was still uncertain if he could ever even see me in his future.

Yes. Patience. Everyone talks about it but how do you do it? A year and no direction? Today was my six month anniversary of being separated. I felt really good until I saw W when picking up girls for the night. Normally, I get them from the after school sitter, but she had to come home early because of a leaky pipe -- which is not my problem anymore.

She was her now usual happy self. No worries when she sees me. Life is soooooo great without me.

What do they say, believe half of what you hear and see?

Sorry about the brushoff text. That was harsh. Here's a question, how different are you today than a year ago?

[awest1217]

Believe me, I have gotten many, many brush off texts so I understand the disappointment. Even last night H said how he was so tired and needed to go to bed early, but I am sure he stayed up for his usualy 11 pm phone call from OW and the past week staying up late so of course he is tired. The same with your H. I am sure he is tired, but that is because he goes out to drink too much and too late. He should muster up enough strength to get dinner with his family.

Also don't worry about sending the extra text. Sometimes even with LRT, you have to test the waters to see if you can move from that spot. H did open it up by talking about going out of town, and even comign yesterday so asking to do dinner since he really didn't spend much time with you is not a bad thing. Just make sure you don't do it all the time because at some point H needs to take responsibility for his part of the relationship.

Hope you have a good day today!

[Lucky11too]

CTH - yep. I think it's "believe nothing of what you hear & 1/2 of what you see". Let's hope that's true for both our sakes.
So good question - how am I different from a year ago? Me personally, I have changed alot! Today, a year ago, i was an emotional wreck. I was crying my eyes out in agony, in pain, in hurt, in disbelief b/c my H was out partying & didn't get home til 5 in the morning, only to later have him tonight one year ago, not come home at all b/c he was in jail for a drunk in public, while I was at home struggling to raise our new son. Really, are you serious? Ok, so still a little bitter about all that, but still, a year later, I'm a whole lot stronger. I am happy with myself both physically and emotionally. I am back in church and more intune with God then I have ever been before (H always found an excuse for us not to go to church). I am hanging out with my friends more often and found complete joy in motherhood. Hmm, maybe I just needed that reminder. I have come a long way for me. Obviously R is a completely different story, but I guess alot about DBing is just about becoming the best you you can be so that it's win even if your M doesn't work out, but let's hope it does...

But yeah, that brush off was pretty tough to take. =( Going to bed at 5pm on your one night off. Really? I wanted to believe we were making that kind of progress, but we just weren't there yet (or he's just recoiling a bit). Even if he really was tired, he complains about not seeing his son enough, so suck it up, and come have dinner with us. It's not like I'm not tired too. I work full time and then start my full time mom job when I get home, so I'd like to show him a thing or two about being tired. Grr. But I agree, we do have to test the waters every once in awhile, esp when they give us indications that they're ready, b/c that's the only way you can ever go to the next step.

I'm having such a hard time with patience b/c I feel like I'm running out of time for S's sake. Awest, I read your sitch and how S is old enough now to know what's going on and can vocalize his pain, and it breaks my heart. My S is just at the beginning word stage and doesn't seem affected yet by H's comings and goings, but he's learning more and more everyday and will get to that point soon enough and it makes me sad. I don't want to push H or our R, but even if it's still the beginning of a long journey, I would like to have the hope that he could at least see us as part of his life. Without that, I feel like we are going nowhere. It's just frustrating, you know? It's hard to know at which point I should stop trying, bt I'm not there yet...