very quick check in, status still "undecided". Talk last night was an R talk where H apologised hugely for all he had done. I said all marriages have good times and bad, I love him very much, and I still honestly believed we could draw a line in the sand, work through this and move to a great, great place. I have not said any of that for about 9 months so thought I should calmly state my position while we were in that zone. Previously H has pointed out why the future would not work, this time he said nothing. There was a lot of very very heartfelt hugs. He used phrases such as "if we were to separate". It was a very late night so we agreed to talk more over the weekend, we only get small windows with the toddlers around.
I got up this morning and H was bundling toddlers in the car to go to park, he did not say good morning and stormed off (he is cheerful with them).
Use the small windows to your best advantage. you did last night.
If he doesn't bring anything up again this weekend, don't be surprised and honestly, if he didn't, I wouldn't.
That he said nothing to you this morning doesn't mean anything. You bring up emotions he either doesn't know how to or just can't deal with, at least right now.
As long as I've been at this, every once in a blue moon some conversation will present itself and being a backburner type (translation: not quick witted) I have missed some opportunities, however, I do learn. I have heard how he doesn't see us moving together as a couple etc., still he has taken no action to legally S or D.
What does this mean? Not a damn thing, excpet there are more opportunities around every corner. Of course even if he did take some action, there still would be.
Let him be.
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
I am so confused at the moment. How do I see things? I step back and see that H is on his journey, and I am on mine. I was doing really well but this latest round has pulled me back in again. H is back in the angry phase today(passive aggressive), and very very depressed as well. Hard to get hello out of him, and although I am trying to find my centre there are big hits rolling this week. It feels like we have jumped right back into hardcore replay, and I am afraid that that might be the case in which case we are more likely not to stay together.
I see a marriage that is retriveable and could be fantastic again, but someone hell bent on a road away from that, who is very very unhappy and blames me for everything wrong in his life, without understanding. It also feels like the longer this goes on, the less chance there is of resolving it.
H will bring this stuff up again, as he took emergency leave from work to come home and "sort it out". So if he stays in this anger zone, sorting it out will probably be him telling me hes out, a backed into the corner not careful choice.
I pulled myself together, spend the evening playing in the garden with the toddlers laughing and relaxed, and H laid on me that its all over between us, formal sepration as of now. Where I live it is 12 months to no fault divorce, he wants to go there too.
Thanks so much for everyone one has supported me over the last few months. I will keep trying but as he has not really since the bomb I think thats pretty much it. I do have friends taking care of me in RL.
Thanks for that, your thoughts have been really helpful.
H left last night. He spent the afternoon flirting with me and we completed and signed the paperwork for our new joint financial strucure due to mature 1-2 years time.
Separation still completely on the cards. I had told H that I would be seeking independant advice as to my rights at this stage. He thinks I will be doing this in a couple of weeks. The lawyer I met yesterday indicated to me that I would be in a much better position that I had anticipated, to the extent that H would have trouble probably running a household for the next two years. I am glad to have a couple of weeks to process this, as there are quite a few issues to consider such as making sure the bank with be ok for me to hold a mortgage. Its better for me not to work right now. Contracts and I are old friends so I just need to think it all through.
I gave myself 24 hours to feel sorry for myself and feel better emotionally now and ready to keep moving down my plan B.
I have not worked through how to change my strategy with H at this stage, I need to still my mind a bit more, but I will be very dark and mysterious and all the DB principles.
Do take the time to think things through. Whatever yu need to come up with decisions you are at peace with is the best route IMO. I'm a backburner type and knowing that I just give myself more time.
I'd love to hear your strategy when you work it out. I still don;t have one, so I'm always looking for ideas
Storm. I can't believe you are going out of your way to support me... Look at you! I'm sorry for the turn of events. I'm having a hard time reconciling flirting this afternoon, while working out separation details? Also, don't you have toddlers? How are they doing?! I really like your logically poignant thinking. I'm with Grace. Ill be interested to see how you negotiate through this process. I, for one, won't have to pick my jaw up off the floor when you announce Divorce Busted!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
You sound good. Keep going with your DB plans. :)Flirting while working out separation details? So inconsistent it kind of blows your mind, doesn't it? I see sooooo many inconsistencies like that too, which is a good reminder that I am not dealing with a normal, rational person. It is so hard for me to wrap my mind around all the inconsistent actions/words, though.
