Can I save my marriage?

[CityGirl]

If you continue to take EVERY comment he makes that alludes to a divorce so personally you will drive yourself insane. He can say and do what he likes and you can't control that but you CAN control how you react to it.

If you can afford it find another way to get the backyard set for winter and the garage door fixed. Show him by your ACTIONS that you can take care of things on your own just fine and you don't *need* him.

As long as continue to allow your world to revolve around him you will make zero progress and you will fail. Right now you are jumping at any crumb he throws you.

If he chooses not to live at home that is fine and dandy but make it very clear to him YOUR home will not be an over night pit stop when it is convenient to him. If he wants to have a R talk he will let you know. Your H dictating to you when he may or may not spend the night is not any indicator of a R talk, it's simply him exercising the control he has over you and he knows it.

You do have some power and control here but only you can choose to use it. He has already left you, the worst has happened. Setting boundaries can't make things worse, he can't leave you again and it *will* help you.

Right now you need to focus on the day by day or hour by hour and NOT the big picture. You do not yet have the tools to focus on the big picture.

[Lll54]

I just read up on co-dependence. Yes, it is me in a nutshell. It is also my H. The whole reason he left was cause he was tired of trying to please me all the time. So we both fall under this category. How do we get out?

I'm trying not to mind read. It just hurts to hear things like that because he hasn't said anything like that in a long time. Things have been so good, so it just took me for a new ride.

I don't go to church. I was raised in church but since I went away to college and stuck here I never really got back into it. Of course I believe, but I'm not quite at the place where you are suggesting.

I think I'm going to take my DB book to counseling today. I am interested to hear what he has to say about it. I know no relationship talk. Believe me I wake up every morning with a pit in my stomach wanting to talk so bad but this is one thing I've been successful at. I have no brought "us" and "R" up since I've started DB'ing. So I pat myself on the back with that one. Even though I know in half an hour my MC is about to be really mad at me for not doing it and not giving in to my fears.

I will also bring up my anxiety problems with him today and see what he thinks.

Yes sadgirl, I always listen to Trent. Look where he is at today. Its wonderful. I only hope to be there one day. He is hitting his head against the wall everytime he reads my posts. Trent I know you are reading this, but I just want to say that as hard of a case as I am, and as many internal problems that I'm facing. You don't understand how much I appreciate you taking the time to help me. Many people would have given up on me by now. And you probably should too, but you are different. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Super Girl]

My H called this morning, and I paused, said WWTD, and ignored the call. I have sworn off the physical, and unless I'm talking to him about a kid, no contact.

It would be nice if we had a bat phone we could call for emergency assitance, huh? lol

[TrentC]

I just read up on co-dependence. Yes, it is me in a nutshell. It is also my H. The whole reason he left was cause he was tired of trying to please me all the time. So we both fall under this category. How do we get out?

Counseling. For you, at least.

I'm trying not to mind read. It just hurts to hear things like that because he hasn't said anything like that in a long time. Things have been so good, so it just took me for a new ride.

No, you are mind reading. Asking things like "What does this mean? Is this sign #1 he is done again?" is a perfect example.

Maybe he is done with you; maybe he's not. While he makes up his mind one way or the other, he's going to say contradictory things that can upset you.

I don't go to church. I was raised in church but since I went away to college and stuck here I never really got back into it. Of course I believe, but I'm not quite at the place where you are suggesting.

Maybe that is a good place to start, then...

I think I'm going to take my DB book to counseling today. I am interested to hear what he has to say about it.

Don't be surprised if he doesn't see the value in it, or thinks it's "game-playing".

I know no relationship talk. Believe me I wake up every morning with a pit in my stomach wanting to talk so bad but this is one thing I've been successful at. I have no brought "us" and "R" up since I've started DB'ing.

Um, that's not true at all.

The conversation in the truck about the banquet? That was R talk.

The conversation at the banquet? R talk.

Asking him to come home with you (with the subtext that you wanted to sleep with him)? R talk.

Every time you let him come to the house without setting boundaries? It's because you want to talk about the relationship.

I could dig through the rest of your comments and find examples, but I think you get my point.

I will also bring up my anxiety problems with him today and see what he thinks.

This is essential. If you are suffering from a temporary chemical imbalance -- or worse, been suffering from a long-standing one -- then addressing that may make the rest of this easier.

Yes sadgirl, I always listen to Trent. Look where he is at today. Its wonderful. I only hope to be there one day. He is hitting his head against the wall everytime he reads my posts.

Only because I see you say one thing and do another. Like I said before; once you get yourself off of this emotional rollercoaster, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

You don't understand how much I appreciate you taking the time to help me. Many people would have given up on me by now. And you probably should too, but you are different. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

If we didn't think you were capable of doing what needs to be done to turn this around, we wouldn't be slinging 2x4s the way we are.

[Lll54]

Why do you think I an so capable? Its been six weeks and I an no further along which leads me to believe I may not be capable.

[TrentC]

Why do you think I an so capable? Its been six weeks and I an no further along which leads me to believe I may not be capable.

Because you tried it and it worked.

It's not a big deal that you backslid; we all backslide. I have my friends on speed dial every time I feel like freaking out about something.

Now, to be fair, my situation is a lot different than most of the ones on here. My wife has not left the house; we have had R talks that have pushed her to the brink of filing, but other than that it has been pretty amicable around the house, especially after the surgery.

But I know that once I stopped pushing her for R talk, I stopped getting the responses I didn't want to see.

By doing my 180's and trying to stick to them the best that I can, she can tell that I am trying to change. (And I don't discuss my 180's with her, so it probably comes across less like an attempt to show off to her.)

[Lll54]

Well just got back from MC. He definitely worked on "me" alot more today. I was a mess. Haven't been that way in weeks. MC really talked more about boundaries and making choices based on my healthy needs and wants. He said everything I am doing revolves around H and I am living in an unhealthy separation. I am showing signs of "insanity". I agreed. I told him its time to detach, and let go. I need to put my hope aside. My false hope has been guiding me this whole time and into the wrong place. He also wants me to be honest with myself and H. He stated that if there is ever a chance of "R" then honesty is key. No more saying things certain ways, and only saying certain things in fear of H's reactions. So my goal this week is to set boundaries, live for me this week accept my H is gone.

H had a meeting with MC last monday and I was hoping to get some kind of idea of what happened out of MC today, but he was pretty good at being confidential. The only thing he said was that I need to concentrate on me cause H just "isn't there yet". So I took that as his knowledge from the meeting he had with H.

As soon as I got home, H showed up to get the boys clothes for the week. As soon as he got there he asked me for the garage door opener. (I borrowed his on sat night). I don't understand why he needs the garage door opener? He doesn't live here! As we were packing the bags, he asked me for a hug cause I was acting weird. And then left.

Hot and cold, hot and cold, hot and cold

[TrentC]

Well just got back from MC. He definitely worked on "me" alot more today. I was a mess. Haven't been that way in weeks. MC really talked more about boundaries and making choices based on my healthy needs and wants. He said everything I am doing revolves around H and I am living in an unhealthy separation. I am showing signs of "insanity". I agreed. I told him its time to detach, and let go. I need to put my hope aside. My false hope has been guiding me this whole time and into the wrong place. He also wants me to be honest with myself and H. He stated that if there is ever a chance of "R" then honesty is key. No more saying things certain ways, and only saying certain things in fear of H's reactions. So my goal this week is to set boundaries, live for me this week accept my H is gone.

This sounds very positive. I hope you can hold onto this.

H had a meeting with MC last monday and I was hoping to get some kind of idea of what happened out of MC today, but he was pretty good at being confidential. The only thing he said was that I need to concentrate on me cause H just "isn't there yet". So I took that as his knowledge from the meeting he had with H.

... and then you almost go and blow it!

It doesn't matter what your husband says or thinks right now.

[Super Girl]

As we were packing the bags, he asked me for a hug cause I was acting weird. And then left.

Hot and cold, hot and cold, hot and cold

Did anyone else hear Trent's head hit the wall?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yep!