In shock...

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, I am reading threads around here. (It is so hard to read and digest a book while chasing down two kids)

His complaints about our marriage were: I lacked respect for him, I had a short fuse and took it out on him, I was hard to talk to, I was opinionated and not very tolerable of other opinions.

So, is there a way to follow DR or DB while trying to fix the things he complained about AND know that he can/will see the changes made to me in an effort to become a better person?

[TrentC]

His complaints about our marriage were: I lacked respect for him, I had a short fuse and took it out on him, I was hard to talk to, I was opinionated and not very tolerable of other opinions.

Well, it sounds like working on your temper and learning to listen to people with differing opinions would be two good 180's to work on.

So, is there a way to follow DR or DB while trying to fix the things he complained about AND know that he can/will see the changes made to me in an effort to become a better person?

If your changes are genuine, he will notice. Bringing them to his attention may make it look showy and manipulative.

[praying_in_GA]

If your changes are genuine, he will notice. Bringing them to his attention may make it look showy and manipulative.

Oh, no I wouldn't bring it to his attention. I have already made strides to calm my temper and appreciate things more. He has noticed it but said "It just seems fake, that is not the real Rikki I have known for 10 years. No matter how much you change, I will see it as fake."

He isn't living here anymore and we only see each other about 45 min a week so I don't know when he would see my changes taking place.

[praying_in_GA]

I am reading the beginning of DR. There is a section where it talks about WAW. The wife goes silent while waiting on the divorce time to come. The husband thinks things are fine so he is happy. Then the wife drops the D word and he is shocked. He will do anything to make the marriage work but she is done. It goes on to say that is she knew the truth about divorce she might stick around long enough to see the changes take place.

Take that exact scenario and reverse the roles. I thought things were going great and then he drops the bomb on me. Now I an dedicated to change and he won't take the time to stop and watch it happen.

[TrentC]

He isn't living here anymore and we only see each other about 45 min a week so I don't know when he would see my changes taking place.

Through your friends and family.

Through new friends you make as you change and grow.

By being happy and relaxed around him; people who have things to prove aren't relaxed.

[Super Girl]

Now I an dedicated to change and he won't take the time to stop and watch it happen.

If the changes are for you, that doesn't really matter.

[shellshockedga]

Praying, sorry you found yourself here, but there is some incredible advice available throught these boards. First thing to do is to relax (if possible.) One thing that comes up over and over on these boards is that time is on your side. Don't make any drastic decisions right now.

I can relate to many of your points as my wife did this to me in July. This was after 18.5 years of marriage. I too was/am close to her family. One recommendation is don't do anything that can embarrass your spouse with his family. I made some poor early choices which really upset my W and set us back quite a bit. They were my fault and I took full responsibility for them. Critical point - no need to discuss the sitch with them. You want to avoid them taking sides. One of my issues is that my in-laws appear to be Team SSGA. This is not true as we have had discussions about it. They are really team - the kids and what is in their best interest? So be careful on that one, but don't give up your relationship with them. All of us will be treading lightly throughout the holiday season with in laws.

Is there another W in the picture? I know this can be a painful question, but you need to determine that. If not then there are certain ways to progress. If so, then you need to begin hunting down posts that discuss OW with EAs and PAs. These can help greatly. So just keep that in mind.

As far as him taking notice of your willingness to change, that is something that takes much time. Many of us have been at this a while now and our respective spouses still don't acknowledge the changes they see. Remember, they are for you and your children. IF they benefit him, then OK. But first and foremost they are for you. In my case I lost 25 lbs in about a month. My W mentioned it this morning - 5 months later. Don't dispair, start working on the things mentioned by TrentC and anything else you know you need to change FOR YOU. Although no one here can determine the outcome of your sitch, everyone can tell you that by doing 180's and improving yourself you WILL feel much better about yourself. Your H is in a FOG. Dont forget that.

There has been much ring discussion as well thought the boards. This one tends to be a personal preference. For example, I didn't wear mine except for business trips during most of my marriage. Now, it doesn't come off (unless it falls off because mine is also too big.) My W has decided not to wear hers anymore. So what? That is an issue for her, not me. So don't worry about your H. That is one of those things that can only end in an argument. It's bait. Don't take it. I did and can tell your from experience it is not worth the effort.

Lastly, as you progress, keep a positive attitude about yourself and your actions. Everyone on these boards has made mistakes along the way (I continue to :-)) but, thats the beauty of having this forum. By posting your actions, you can learn from others who will tell you if you did right or wrong - or you can post what you hope to do and figure out before hand if it is going to be good for you and your sitch.

I will keep watching your thread and will keep you and your children in my prayers.

SSGA

[Lll54]

Hey, so just wanted to chime in and say that your situation is almost identical to mine. Its actually pretty crazy. My H too just wants to be friends. Best friends. My H too claims he wasn't happy from the start which leads me to believe my marriage was a sham and only got married for me, and only had children for me...I have a 3yr old and a 1yr old. My H too is staying at his sisters house who is practically my best friend. I am also very close with my H's family. I agree this is the hardest part. I too have a birthday party to go to for my nephew on his side. And I'm going. I am still his aunt and always will be. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I am also scared for the holidays, but really there is nothing we can do right now. We need to make our necessary changes and hope that they make theirs. If they don't then we need to accept that as hard as it is. I am also living sleepless nights with my children as they are so young. My youngest still gets up in the middle of the night. My 3 yr old won't sleep in his own bed anymore since H left (6 weeks now). Its hard. And believe me I'm still struggling. You can read my thread and probably make yourself feel much better to see how much I am struggling as you seem to be doing pretty good so far! Good for you. I also ask how the DB and DR principles work. I have a hard time understanding the concept and I also wonder about the success rate with them. But since my H left and I applied some of them we did a turn around and we made good baby steps, but then I reverted and I'm back at square one again. Don't give up! Give it a try...and listen to the people on here. They know what they're talking about.

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you both for your thoughtful replies.

SSGA - another one of my big obstacles is patience. I am a 'get it now' type of person so waiting this out and waiting for him to notice things is going to kill me. He said that IF I were able to fix this it would take a long time. So, I made mention of something in re: to next year early on in this separation and he comment that this would not be going on in a year. I guess a mans view and a womans view of a long time are different?

britt - Our stories are very similar. I also have a birthday to attend this weekend for his side of the family. It is refreshing to hear you had some baby steps going for a while. I so hope you can get back there. It is easier for me and the kids because they have always slept in our bed. I think this was a small part of me and the H growing apart though. I have considered moving them to their own beds, but with him gone they are a comfort to me.

I am going to see him in a bit because I have to work tonight and he is taking my daughter to gymnastics. So, I am to act cordial, not hug or 'I love you", and just get on with getting ready for work? The sad thing is, this is how we have been interacting for some time now. The 'ILY" has been sporadic as well as the physical touching. For our relationship, a 180 would have been incorporating that back in but I guess not now that it is a separation? Advice?

[Lll54]

Wow, this is crazy how similar we are. Patience is a huge problem of mine too. I lost it the other night and now I have slipped back. You have him saying that "IF" this will work out it will take time. Well exactly! Just be glad he said that! I know you can't believe everything he says right now. He is confused. As is my H. One day he says one thing, the next he says another. As much as it sucks right now, time is key. I look back to week one when people were saying, just give it a month or two. Uh what? A month or two! Are you crazy! I can't wait that long! And look, its week 6 already. Time flies, before you know it, it will be xmas. Not that we want to think about that at all right now. So lets not. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour. That's all that got me through the beginning. I guess in a way I'm still in the beginning, some people on here are in months and years. I'm only in weeks. I hope I can get back to where I was too, I just have to FOCUS and have some PATIENCE. Also, DB'ing and DR'ing will really test your self-discipline. I also lost that the other night. But now have learned how important it is.

I too would like to use our intimacy as a 180. After having our boys we became less intimate. Even just a general kiss or hug as we passed each other in the hall was obsolete. And I blame myself, he always tried, but I resisted. Ask me why? I have no idea. I would give anything for a kiss from him right now. But I see what you mean by incorporating that as a 180. It would be, but at the same time, we're separated so how do you incorporate it? Well next time he comes by to get the kids or next time you drop off the kids and you guys are talking just a small touch on his arm is a place to start. See how he reacts and take it from there. Remember baby steps. My H came in for a hug about a week ago, and it lead to kissing and lead to the bedroom. So you never know where it will take you. The bad thing for us, is I reverted and I'm back at square one. I let it go TOO far and so he was cake eating in a way. Stay true to yourself.