Looking backward but only to move forward SEVEN

[sage]

I keep thinking of the statement I read somewhere that if you're not having an affair with your spouse, someone else will.

I'm not having an affair with my spouse. I love him and love the positive times that we spend together and I want more of them. But I'm guessing that he feels my anger and control more than my love, and I'm guessing he feels my disappointment more than my approval, and I'm guess that that he's not feeling particularly happy with our marriage at the moment either.

When DDay hit (egads, 8 years ago), I was blindsided and I decided that no matter what happened, I would clean up my act. I took a long, critical look (as that is my specialty) at my behavior in our marriage and while it didn't justify my husband's actions, it still felt wrong to me. I was behaving in ways that were not loving. I was behaving in ways that did not feel good or true to me. So, instead of battling his EA, etc, I took on my behavior. I worked on my anger and my controlling nature and my tendency to rule the roost and blame him for it, etc.

I find myself back in a similar situation. No, my husband hasn't cheated on me again but some things have come to pass in the last few months that have made me really, really angry and scared and upset, that have upped my controlling of him, and my criticism, and my unhappiness. 50% or even more of the time we're fine, but the rest of the time I am very unhappy and angry and I imagine he feels in a similar way.

So, I'm back, once again, to work on the only thing that I can control which is my behavior. I'm honestly more than a little scared about the whole thing...I find myself reverting back to an angry stance over and over and over again. I find myself wondering what it would be like to not be together with him. And I know from past experience that I do NOT want to only recognize the value of our marriage once it is in jeopardy of being taken from me.

I hardly know where to start. Well, of course I know where to start. My anger. And my desire to control pretty much everything because I feel like he can't. I want to let go and convince myself that I don't know how but of course I do. You let go by letting go. Or, I let go by not doing things anymore. By not being the first to rush to a solution.

My top three things that need to be tackled:

1. My anger at him and how it manifests itself. NEVER in a rush or emotion that results in screaming or a confrontation. It's a silent rage that I feel but it's hardly silent in the way it is communicated to him. Anger, hurt, disappointment, sadness, fear all get transmitted to him but without words.

2. My desire to control everything. Born out of the fact that much of my life feels completely out of my control thanks to some things that have happened. Once again, my safety net is gone. I realized yesterday that the thing I want most from him is security and it feels as though he goes out of his way to prevent me from having it. I'm not saying it's RIGHT for me to expect it from him, just saying it is what it is.

3. My inability to ask for what I want plainly. This is born out of the scorekeeping that I've been doing for 3.5+ years, largely related to our daughter and who does what for her. I keep score in my head all the time and then get mad when it's so darned clear (least to me!) how much MORE I do -- house, work, kid, whatever. Here's the deal...either I should do the stuff because I WANT to do it (primarily hanging with the kid!) and stop bitching about it or I should ask for more help.

What happens is this...

I do something (take kid out all day, for example, so hubby has a ton of alone time), I come home hoping that he will see the value in it and offer to help, he doesn't (value it OR offer to help), I either don't ask or ask in a muffled way, he doesn't respond, I get angry and now not only am I pissed at him but something that was actually fun and enjoyable (time with my girl) becomes just another tick mark in a ledger.

Oldtimer's questions about no partnership, being the caretaker, and my favorite teen boy are all dead on...even 6 months later.

Goal: act with clarity (ask for what I want) in lieu of reacting in anger

More...sage