Good to see the weekend went good with the kids. The question you have in regards to time...is really up to you. Doesn't that sound pretty good...lol. The honest truth is that your marriage is done...and the sooner you except that completely...the better off you are. Now the decision you make on time is yours in that you can focus yourself on activities or acts that are not destructive to your marriage or the integrity of your vows or you can say I am done. Non destructive things are giving your wife space, focusing on yourself, gal'ing, the kids, etc....activities that have no direct affect on the marriage, but aren't destructive. Now if you decide you have invested enough time in saving the marriage and are done; you can go the destructive route by continually talking to your wife and not giving her space, focusing on your wife, arguing with you wife, dating, aggressively pressing the divorce, etc...
The choice is yours to make. You can go ahead and live your life with the possibility (not hope, expectation, desire....just the possibility) of reconciliation or you can give up completely. It really is a hard mindset to explain...it just happens one day and it does feel good when it does...like a weight being lifted.
According to Sandi, Amy, and a host of others on here (there is a good one in divorced, but not done at the moment...mar something or other) they eventually do. I read somewhere that close to 70% of WAS regret their decision...sometimes it takes months, other times it takes years. People get so blinded by outside influences that things have to be better somewhere else that it takes a long time to realize that that things might not have really been that bad. Think of it almost like a job you left....when you were there it sucked, but down the road you might think "That wasn't so bad". It takes time and change in perspective some times to realize what you have. Did you ever have that realization?
I'm not ready to accept the marriage is over. Wife is too good of a person and like all of us we know what we had and what we did and what we can correct for ourselves. Besides I have 2 kids counting on me and me counting on me.
I'm going to continue to work on myself and change things about myself without bringing attention to it.
I am going to continue to be nice to wife.
This week she has been a little more forth coming in texts and emails. Kid stuff, but she also emailed me she is taking a new position with her employer.
I emailed her back, you excited, need to leave earlier in am, let me know, will help getting kids to school. hope the place throws you a party. have a good day ok.
I have always been a good guy, that was never in doubt with her. And my best play is to continue to reinforce that, but to do it differently, vs bringing attention to it, like i used to, honey i did this and this and this for you. I'm not saying a word and just doing. Saw she had no money, deposited some money in the acct. Took kids to get shoes last night, her night with the kids.
More importantly I feel she needs to continue to vent to me, there are keys to things in these angry emails and texts, not ready to put up a boundary yet.
When she reaches out with those, i need to respond nicely vs defend now and ignore the negative, but she's obviously hurting she needs to know I'm living, but thinking of her. Make sense?
The more I know what she is upset about the more I can quietly correct for me and her.
Psychiatrist I'm seeing asked me to set a visit with wifes' cnslr and see what wife had said to her that bothered her about me. He asked me to write wife a letter, said no way, i have made every mistake in the book, it's too soon, need time for her to see i am giving her space and not pressuring her.
I set an appt and lm on that cnslr's voicemail,call me if not comfortable. But way back when wife and I both signed the release of information for eachother. My gut swings back and forth on that. This visit is to help myself, don't want to know what's wrong with wife, want to know perceptions she had of me, so i can correct the pertinent ones.
One challenge with ADD, is you come across self centered, when your really not and wife had an issue with my intensity. I smothered her or gave my thoughts and compliments and she never really opened up, somehow the convo would always turn back to me and what i felt about her vs what she felt. Her feelings would be quick put downs vs long explanations.
I am focusing asking her easy stuff, something she can come back with a yes, no or none of my business and if she chooses to ignore ok, with the hope of just hey that was pretty funny wasn't it, I always talked about how I felt about her and showed her, I think for now just need to show her.
Again I don't contact her first, I avoid her, kids know I love her and I need to pick up some slack in some areas.
I also know the key to anyone's heart is how their children are treated, mine are treated well. Just a little spoiled and I'm tired of S crying himself to sleep at night and wife not comforting him. Both he and D said that last night.
You are taking the statement of your marriage being over to literally. Your old marriage (should have used old in the previous message...my bad) of a year ago is gone....because it was broken. In rebuilding yourself the relationship and marriage can change for the positive. In the same statement, you don't want to return to the old marriage because the same problems will arise. By using your time constructively on yourself and the children, you return a better man. This is something you have already started doing very well, but the reasons for this cannot be to save your marriage. The reason really needs to be about yourself.
Continue to be nice to your wife....there isn't really a reason to not be. Just set a boundary on the context of the communication. You eluded to instances were you have had a positive constructive conversation were you had the chance to validate her feelings....those are good conversations. The ones that are not acceptable are more obvious in that she is purely attacking you out of hate. There is a big difference between these two. Say a positive communication goes "Ayk...you never took out the garbage until it was overflowing and that bothered me when you never changed". verse "AYK...you are an a@@hole because you never took the garbage out...I hate you". See the difference...both say the same thing but one is delivered with respect and other isn't. It really is a case by case situation....and yes I have had to leave the room when attacked to have her follow me and deliver the same message in a respectful manner. Does that make more sense?
So be there when she is under control and respectful, but don't let her attack you either. You have been married to her long enough to know the difference
I am worried about the appointment with the therapist. No matter what your intentions are, I feel it will be perceived that you are trying to meddle with your wife's life. I know what you are trying to do and it is commendable. The problem lies in how it will be perceived by your wife. No matter what reason you give her, she will more than likely conclude that you are once again meddling with her life and not respected her wish to end the marriage. I would really walk carefully there. On top of that, she basically has told you what the problems were earlier (I know you listed some on here somewhere). Maybe....note very big MAYBE and I would get opinion on this....Ask her about what problems she had with you in regards to determining the affect your ADD has had on your relationships. No going around the back...straight to the source with the reason being that you are working on ADD and relationship problems that arise from it...because they do. I would bet 99% of your problems are purely related to your ADD....but even here it is noticeable that you are making big strides in correcting that.
You are a good guy Ayk...there is no doubt in that. You have also been doing an awesome job on yourself and the kids.
Very good observation on the ADD. ADD people tend to over focus on one thing...in relationships it is the spouse. Then it tends to go into one of two directions;
1)Continued high attention on spouse which is inadvertently smothering 2)No attention at all on spouse because something else got the ADD spouses attention
It is just harder for an ADD person to find the middle ground between the two. We usually tend to be all or nothing type people.
One thought on questions...if you think her response is "none of your business"...don't ask it. Stay away from those questions completely.
That is tough for your son. He is just a casualty of the problem regretfully. His sadness is probably like a sword to the heart of your wife. Reminding her that she has made the choice to end the marriage and cause the pain he is feeling. So by soothing him she is creating pain for herself. So it is easier for her to ignore and feel that your son is going to get over it than address it. You just need to be there for him....continue to give him that little bit extra bonding time with dad.
