Can I save my marriage?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So now I'm back at square one. I don't think DB is going to do anything for my marriage.

Britt, I'm not seeing where you even applied DB. You even said so yourself.

Get up, dust yourself off, and try to stick to the plan. IT WORKS.

Puppy

[Lll54]

Well it was so hard. I was doing so good the whole night. I was having fun with my friends. The night was going so good. There was no controversy. I was dancing away, socializing. It was great. But then after a few drinks it just hit me. He was over by the bar and I went up to him and asked him what's up. He said why are you being so mean to me? I asked him why he is being mean to me? And he didn't say anything. I asked him why he hasn't talked to me at all tonight and he asked me the same. It was quite a ridiculous conversation. Then he said he was going and it upset me. It only upset me cause I saw the girl leaving too. I would not have been upset if she wasn't there or leaving at the exact same time. But with alcohol in me too, it really upset me. That's when I went against everything I believe in lately and pursued. It sucked I regret it. But I was a bottle of emotions and was having a hard time deal. I asked him to come home with me and he denied. I knew he was he had his buddy waiting in the truck. He couldn't veer away from peer pressure. He told me he went home, and I didn't believe it but ran into his sis today and she said he was home by 1100 which is right after he left the banquet. So surprisingly he didn't lie for once.

So today he called and said we need to talk. I told him I wasn't home and he found me on the road (we live in a small city) and so I couldn't take off, so I stopped and he parked his truck and got in. He just asked me why I was crying at the banquet. The guys at hockey today filled him in. I told him one of the girls mentioned our sitch and it brought tears to my eyes that was it. Not a big deal. He said it made him look like an jerk. Really? So you invite me to YOUR work banquet, ignore me the whole time, sit with another woman that has caused problems in the past, I cry, and I made YOU like like the jerk? Really? How fair is that? He said that I reinforced the reason why he left me in the first place. As soon as we are at a function and he isn't sitting by me the whole night I get mad and ask why? Well its a little different. It was uncomfortable enough going. He knew that, that's why he asked me three times to go cause I told him no cause it would be too uncomfortable. So when he insisted so much I assumed he would try a little to make me feel comfortable there. But he did the opposite and it bothered me. That's why I asked him, also cause the alcohol was talking a bit. I won't deny that. So now i'm sad, i've come so far and blew it with one question "why haven't you given me the time of day all night?" He said it today, I just wanted to walk away when you asked me that. I felt like saying..really? you want to break up a new young family with two little boys over the rare occurence we go to a public event and you may have to talk to me while we are there? I'm sorry but if he thinks in his next relationship they are going to be okay with going to events and not talking to their boyfriend/husband all night, he's got another thing coming. Well there's nothing I can do now. Its all said and done.

While in my truck he asked to come get the boys tonight for his 4 days on. But I said no. I ran into BIL today where he is staying and he voiced to me that its getting to be too much with H there. They have two little girls under 2 and you add my two little boys under 3 and the house gets chaotic. I agreed that it would. So I voiced that to H today, saying they need to go there as little as possible its not fair to his sis and her family. He agreed and said maybe he'll stay at his father's this week with the boys or else stay at the house? Yep you heard it. Stay at our house. What the F? Is all I want to say. So he got out and said he'd call me later to discuss details. Well he just called, but I stalled and said I'd call him back. Cause I need desperate advice.

P.S. Do you think this one night of pursuing and showing him a little side of me he hoped changed is sure to doom our marriage? I feel like it is right now. I don't know what to do! Thanks so much for any advice you may give.

[Super Girl]

No, Britt, it didn't doom your marriage. We all screw up. Like Puppy said, dust yourself off and start over again.

I messed up too, but I'm going to do better immediately. You can do it.

[antlers]

So now I'm back at square one. I don't think DB is going to do anything for my marriage.

It may or it may not...there are no guarantees. BUT...DB'n will definately do something for YOU !

[TrentC]

But then after a few drinks it just hit me. He was over by the bar and I went up to him and asked him what's up. He said why are you being so mean to me? I asked him why he is being mean to me? And he didn't say anything. I asked him why he hasn't talked to me at all tonight and he asked me the same. It was quite a ridiculous conversation.

You said you were going to go dressed to the nines and have fun without him, but when it came down to it you just had to say something to him. You can blame it on the alcohol if you want, but you know that was not the way to deal with that situation.

Then he said he was going and it upset me. It only upset me cause I saw the girl leaving too. I would not have been upset if she wasn't there or leaving at the exact same time. But with alcohol in me too, it really upset me.

The alcohol didn't spontaneously materialize in your stomach.

That's when I went against everything I believe in lately and pursued. It sucked I regret it.

Not enough to not do it, though. You keep saying that you get it, and that you're turning over a new leaf, and going to start living for yourself, but when it comes down to it you can't leave him alone.

He told me he went home, and I didn't believe it but ran into his sis today and she said he was home by 1100 which is right after he left the banquet. So surprisingly he didn't lie for once./quote]

Why the hell do you care if he lied or not? Because you're still letting his actions dictate your emotions.

[quote=britt54]So today he called and said we need to talk. I told him I wasn't home and he found me on the road (we live in a small city) and so I couldn't take off, so I stopped and he parked his truck and got in.

Bullshit! You could have kept on going, but you have to keep pick, pick, picking at that open wound. You have to keep letting him in to see if he's going to magically change his tune after over a month, and you keep letting yourself down.

So you invite me to YOUR work banquet,

Which you agreed to go to,

ignore me the whole time,

Which you weren't supposed to care about,

sit with another woman that has caused problems in the past,

Which you're not supposed to care about either, other than he can't have both of you at once.

He said that I reinforced the reason why he left me in the first place. As soon as we are at a function and he isn't sitting by me the whole night I get mad and ask why?

It sounds like he has you pegged, for once.

Well its a little different. It was uncomfortable enough going. He knew that, that's why he asked me three times to go cause I told him no cause it would be too uncomfortable. So when he insisted so much I assumed he would try a little to make me feel comfortable there. But he did the opposite and it bothered me.

So how is that mind-reading working out for you, anyway?

So now i'm sad, i've come so far and blew it with one question "why haven't you given me the time of day all night?" He said it today, I just wanted to walk away when you asked me that.

Because you pursued and pressured him, and you got exactly the reaction that people who pursue get; that we told you that you would get; that the book that you drove 2 1/2 hours to buy told you that you would get. But no, you had to try it anyway because maybe this once, pursuing would get you what you wanted. You want him to come back on your terms, and that is not going to happen. The sooner you understand that, the better for the both of you.

I felt like saying..really? you want to break up a new young family with two little boys over the rare occurence we go to a public event and you may have to talk to me while we are there?

No, he wants to break up his family because it sounds like he's getting the same attitude from you that made him want to leave in the first place.

I'm sorry but if he thinks in his next relationship they are going to be okay with going to events and not talking to their boyfriend/husband all night, he's got another thing coming. Well there's nothing I can do now. Its all said and done.

You said that last time. But you keep making the same stupid mistakes and expect to get different results.

He agreed and said maybe he'll stay at his father's this week with the boys or else stay at the house? Yep you heard it. Stay at our house. What the F? Is all I want to say. So he got out and said he'd call me later to discuss details. Well he just called, but I stalled and said I'd call him back. Cause I need desperate advice.

What do you want our advice for? We've been telling you to detach for weeks, and you won't do it. You keep chasing him around, letting him know exactly how you feel -- which I'm pretty sure hasn't changed much in the past month or so -- and letting him jerk your chain.

P.S. Do you think this one night of pursuing and showing him a little side of me he hoped changed is sure to doom our marriage? I feel like it is right now. I don't know what to do! Thanks so much for any advice you may give.

You know what to do; you refuse to do it because you think it's too much work. You want him to come running back to you and you haven't given him any reason to.

You need to get a new IC that will stop letting you pull this crap. You should look into getting on an anti-anxiety medication if you really can't control your feelings.

You work the DB plan; every time you do you get results, and every time you flip back you backslide.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well it was so hard. I was doing so good the whole night. I was having fun with my friends. The night was going so good. There was no controversy. I was dancing away, socializing. It was great. But then after a few drinks it just hit me. He was over by the bar and I went up to him and asked him what's up. He said why are you being so mean to me?

Better answer:

"Gee, I'm certainly not trying to be. I'm sorry you feel that way. How'z your day going?"

And the rest of it would have NEVER happened.

Britt, DBing isn't difficult to grasp. But it DOES take an incredible amount of self-discipline, and self-restraint. If I could encourage you to learn ONE thing, it would be to not be REACTIONARY.

Yes, it's hard. It can also be done.

Puppy

P.S. If you get a chance, check out Rockedworld's and AFlowerGurlie's threads, for examples of how to stay strong and confident in the face of a wayward husband's button-pushing.

[Coach]

He said that I reinforced the reason why he left me in the first place.

Do you know why? You make him responsible for how you feel.

You need him, he completes you, everything he does impacts you.

Thanks so much for any advice you may give.

I think I'm speaking to a wall but I'll say it again anyway. Have you read up on co-dependence? It will help you immediately and positively. You are doomed if you don't.

[Lll54]

I went to the co-dependence site that was suggested. But just skimmed through it. I will look at it more in detail today. Thanks. I know self-discipline is huge right now. Definitely did not have that the other night. Of course I regret my actions. I was doing so well too. I don't how everyone can read DB and follow the rules so well? I've read it and I've done good on certain things but can't seem to do well in all areas. Maybe I need to work on my self discipline more.

I know I need to detach. It just doesn't seem to be working. I've read up on it, I've read the thread on here about it. I know what it is inside and out. But like Trent said my world still revolves around him. Again, self discipline. Can't seem to find that in myself.

H called last night to talk about the boys for the week. He said he'd pick up the boys today from dayhome and maybe stay at his dads. He didn't bring up staying here. Thank gosh. Cause I know how weak I am. He continued to talk about other things. I brought up "winterizing" the backyard and some other things I need help with. Our garage door is broken and I can't fix those on my own. He said he would try to find a day to fix everything. I apologized for asking for his help all the time and he made a gut wrenching comment. "You know we are going to be talking to each other everyday for the next 15 years its okay to ask me for help once in a while" So now I'm lost again. What does this mean? Is this sign #1 he is done again? GReat baby steps and then a comment like this blows me out of the water. And also told me thursday when he has the boys he has another course for work. So I said fine, bring them back a day early. I'm not busy anyways. So he then said maybe he'll come over sunday after work, stay the night and stay monday morning till he goes back to work monday night. I didn't reply. I know this is a boundary setting opportunity but I still have that notion in the back of my head saying that if it happens maybe it will give us a chance to talk. I know its stupid.

Coach, you're right everything he does does impact me. That's exactly how I still feel. He completes me and our life. I thought I'd be over this hurdle by now. But it just seems to be getting worse.

Definitely not detached, definitely no self-discipline. I'm going to read up on co-dependence this afternoon. I have a meeting with the MC this morning. We'll see how that goes.

This week he has the boys. I have virtually talked to him everyday for the past 2 weeks. I've got to detach and I've got to do my own thing this week. I have to prepare to not see or talk to him until wed. night when he brings the boys back. I've done it before I can do it again. I need to CHOOSE to have this strength I long for. It needs to start today. I have been CHOOSING not to find it prior, and CHOOSING not to have any self-discipline, and CHOOSING not to detach. But now i know I have no reason to talk to him for a few days, so I'm going to use it as a good time to start making the right choices. A friend said to me, "you don't know what you're missing until its gone" "give him that feeling and he'll be sure to come running back to you" And its true. When I detached a bit in the third week, he did come running back. Then I reverted and things have gone downhill. Patience another struggle. I struggle with not talking to him about the day we discussed the future and the intimacy we shared that day. But I'll give it more time. Even if its against what my MC says to do.

[TrentC]

I went to the co-dependence site that was suggested. But just skimmed through it. I will look at it more in detail today.

You'd better, for everyone's sake.

Thanks. I know self-discipline is huge right now. Definitely did not have that the other night. Of course I regret my actions. I was doing so well too. I don't how everyone can read DB and follow the rules so well? I've read it and I've done good on certain things but can't seem to do well in all areas. Maybe I need to work on my self discipline more.

Pretty much.

We are all working it at, taking it one day at a time, getting frustrated by the lack of progress and setbacks that will crop up.

I know I need to detach. It just doesn't seem to be working. I've read up on it, I've read the thread on here about it. I know what it is inside and out. But like Trent said my world still revolves around him. Again, self discipline. Can't seem to find that in myself.

You said that your IC is your pastor; that implies that you attend church, at least semi-regularly.

Try giving your frustrations and anger and resentment up to God. Ask him for forgiveness. Ask him to take that burden off of you so you can function.

I apologized for asking for his help all the time and he made a gut wrenching comment. "You know we are going to be talking to each other everyday for the next 15 years its okay to ask me for help once in a while" So now I'm lost again. What does this mean? Is this sign #1 he is done again?

It doesn't matter what he says! Rule number one of divorce busting is "believe nothing of what they say, and only half of what they do."

If you take anything away from this conversation, take this one thing:

STOP TRYING TO MIND-READ. STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!

I know this is a boundary setting opportunity but I still have that notion in the back of my head saying that if it happens maybe it will give us a chance to talk. I know its stupid.

Yes, it is.

It is extremely stupid, because every time you have thought that, and tried to use it as an opportunity to talk about the R, against all of the advice you have been given, you have been frustrated and disappointed.

No relationship talk. Period.

Definitely not detached, definitely no self-discipline. I'm going to read up on co-dependence this afternoon. I have a meeting with the MC this morning. We'll see how that goes.

Use it as an opportunity to bring all of these things up that we have been discussing. Talk to your MC about co-dependance. Talk to your MC about your anxiety issues.

[Super Girl]

I hope you're listening, Britt. You need to do EXACTLY what Trent is telling you.