I posted in the newcomers but needed advice

[P17]

I really do believe the inability or unwillingness to forgive & let go, does more damage to M's than any other one thing...
And it ruins lives b/c the LBSer chooses, in effect, to stay stuck and that hurts so many people. Not just the LBSer but the kids and the family of the LBSer and NOT the WAS!! Ironically it makes it easier for the WAS to stay away b/c the lack of forgiveness eliminates the chance of a recon and makes the lbser look like the "bad guy"...

That's perfect.

If you forgive your H / W then you give them a gift too. You show them that you are compassionate, forgiving and maybe even understanding. It shows them that the door, while shut to them for the time being isn't bolted on the other side and will make their decision to return one that they can consider.

Nobody wants to come back to spend a life in eternal arguments and being reminded of the mistakes that THEY made. If you keep the anger, hurt and bitterness in your heart and head it will come out in actions, words or demeanour. It's impossible for it not too. It's the same for forgiveness, if you have that in your heart, it too will come out.

Who would you rather be with? An angry bitter H / W or a compassionate, forgiving and understanding H / W.

Forgiving isn't easy. But I feel, for me at least, it was essential. Since the day I did it I have still made mistakes (I gave my wife both barrels last week as I felt I was being walked over) but I feel better and it has allowed me to move on with my life. I WILL NOT give up on my M until D day, but whatever happens I am better prepared for it and so you will be.

[25yearsmlc]

p17,

just an fyi...I have 2 family members who divorced and remarried their exes several years later (5 and 8 years later, respectively). Both couples had kids and maintained some contact with each other. Both couples, (= 4 people) detached and moved forward and made changes in their own individual lives. When my cousin saw his wife after a child's function, he asked her out for coffee to celebrate the honor their son had won and to talk about school. They became friends, and eventually they reconciled. Their marriage is a good one. Better than the first time...I know they dated others in their time apart, for what that's worth.

My aunt/uncle divorced. One day after a family function, he just came out and asked her "Are you happier now?" And she said "not really" and he said, "Want to date some?" And they did. They remarried and for 6 years had a much closer marriage than before and without the fighting. He got cancer and died last year, with his wife and children at his bedside...at peace.

It happens. You can and should move forward in life as all of us should always be learning and doing new things and GAL for real. Married or not. You don't have to lock the door, but you do have to stop looking back at the shore line or you won't see where you are headed and you'll keep treading water, or worse. (Not to mix metaphors too much).

But seriously try to visualize a happy life WITHOUT the spouse, and get detailed about it. Focus on that picture and move towards it and start feeling good about your future. It sends out great things to the world and you never know what might happen. It WON'T PUSH YOUR SPOUSE AWAY...I promise.

When I realized my marriage was over (yeah, I thought it was) and that I could now make career plans without having to put H's career first, for once, it was a freeing feeling. I could live where I wanted to live and where it was good for the kids. We could go on trips without wondering if h would get the time off or have to cancel at the last minute. I began sending out resumes to year long jobs overseas just to inquire. It was fun. And h noticed and though that was NOT my goal. I was doing it for me. To excite me about MY future and it was exciting...seriously made me happy and some of that was happy about not being married-finally getting honest and in touch with the positives about being single & not having to think of h first, or how something would hurt HIS career, HIS hours, HIS commute, etc and in reality there are positives to being single in ALL situations, if you look for them. Do they outweigh negatives? Well Heck no, not often. But they still exist and we're idiots not to see the silver lining...

Good luck, keep posting,
J-

[P17]

I don't want to hijack this thread so a quick response. Your message is really inspiring about your family members getting back together after many years. Unfortunately my W and I have no ties other than my step-D.

But seriously try to visualize a happy life WITHOUT the spouse, and get detailed about it. Focus on that picture and move towards it and start feeling good about your future. It sends out great things to the world and you never know what might happen. It WON'T PUSH YOUR SPOUSE AWAY...I promise.

What you said above is something I have been trying to do. It's really hard to visualise a life without your S when you both had such big plans together but I am trying. It has only been 3 months. I need to get back to GALing properly (I let it fall away for a while).

[swimmingupstream]

I do not mind the hijcak at all:)
I feel like as this point I have started to move on. "Supposed" OW is doing things at work that are to antogonize me such as showing up with her 5 year old daughter after work in her workout clothes with a full face of makeup and her hair done saying she just went running so I could hear her...I wish she would just leave me alone or I could learn to ignore it..See..really..I never thought she really wanted my h I just thought she wanted to be me. I am not being conceited because I am far from that..but she is a follower. My H is giving me no choice but to detach from him. Thank you for all the wonderful advice..I am working on using it. I can forgive him but I WILL NEVER forgive her..because she has been doing this to me for 3 years now..she is in competition with me...She is NUTS..it is starting to wear on me..I want to say..you know what..take my H but it will not ruin me..it will only make me better..that is where I am at now. My H continues to play games with me..going in basement to sleep and I just let him go..last night I asked him if he wanted me to lay down w him and he said yes..he hugged me for a while and then pushed me away and told me to go upstairs to bed..I said yeah..you are right..I better go upstairs...With him I am just getting tired of his games too..I really just want to be a great mom to my kids and be a fantastic role model and I want to reach my goals that I set for myself in life..My H can come along if he wants but I have done so much for him...and now..he is letting me down..I am starting to ask myself..what has he done for me? he has NEVER fought for me and I have been fighting for him for 10 years and I am done fighting for him..done playing games..if he wants to be with me he needs to change..because I have made BIG BIG BIG changes..no emails, no phone calls, no nagging, no relationship talking,trying to stop pursuing..when he left one night I said okay see you..I did not cry beg or plead..if he hates me so much and does not want to be married why the HE** does he just NOT leave! I mean really...I am a GREAT catch..I am really starting to realize that. I think he holds ME back! Enough ranting..that is where I am at.

[swimmingupstream]

I have been cleaning out my emails lately and I have emails from 2008 between my husband and myself and honestly reading them now...it makes me cringe how needy I was..how I had no self respect and how I counted on his to make my world happy..I still feel a little bit of that but I go through the days now and no longer need to talk to him or email him..it is odd...it is SO freeing...not to need someone..to know you can do things on your own..I think this is something I have always known but I was so afraid of losing him..now if he walks out the door I would be scared and nervous but I would handle it with respect and class! I have grown SO much thanks to this site...really! I have a long way to go and if I could let go of OW( she antagonizes the He** out of me on purpose at work..she knows how to push my buttons because we were best friends) it would be so much better for me..I would continue to be less and less afraid.

[25yearsmlc]

I have been cleaning out my emails lately and I have emails from 2008 between my husband and myself and honestly reading them now...it makes me cringe how needy I was..

Keep that insight and use it to feel stronger, not regretful. Learn from it.

how I had no self respect and how I counted on his to make my world happy..I still feel a little bit of that but I go through the days now and no longer need to talk to him or email him..it is odd...it is SO freeing...not to need someone..to know you can do things on your own.

Yes it is freeing. Growing up is scary but freeing and it's a lot like this, isn't it? But hey, it's your time...
.I think this is something I have always known but I was so afraid of losing him..now if he walks out the door I would be scared and nervous but I would handle it with respect and class! I have grown SO much thanks to this site...really! I have a long way to go and if I could let go of OW( she antagonizes the He** out of me on purpose at work..she knows how to push my buttons because we were best friends) it would be so much better for me..I would continue to be less and less afraid.

Let go of OW...she does not matter. I used to see a homeless guy on the grill in the city where I worked and he used to curse at me every morning. At first I wondered what I had done that bugged him, or what I was wearing or doing that annoyed him so. Then my boss saw him and said "oh is that your old boyfriend" which made me laugh really hard. But then it dawned on me that I was actually letting a crazy man who lived on a grill, affect my self image. That's truly crazy. His "data" about me was not real. Therefore, it cannot matter. He didn't know me at all.

The OW, whether she's stalking you or imitating you or simply coveting your life or whatever...it does not matter which it is. You are empowering her so very much and it's self inflicted obsessing and anger/anxiety producing. It pre-occupies you and you could be focusing on your kids and their lives and their pain or your own, instead of giving so much of your emotional energy to someone who does not deserve it. Yes, you are doing this to yourself. So Stop it. It's as if you think by diagnosing her, you will change the outcome but you won't. Let it go. Tough to do, butYou have no control over her or her attitudes/actions or how the world sees her. If she's imitating you, great. No one beats the real thing and if not, even less of an issue for you to spend ANY energy on. Instead, use your energy to GAL, move forward, imagine and visualize with details, the life you are now planning.
I deeply regret the time wasted on trying to figure out the "Why's?"of it all when I could have moved forward into forgiveness and GAL so much sooner and faster and for my kids' sake too...

Remember the "life's novel" analogy too. If your life were a novel, who would you say is writing yours? How's this chapter going? Is it flowing the way you want your life to flow? Bet not, I bet that lately you have not been the author of your own life's novel ---so how about writing the next word/paragraph/page, chapter and the rest of this book all by yourself? It's time to be the author of your own life and take charge of it. Keep going. Don't worry about "losing your h b/c you detach and GAL" b/c it's the exact opposite!! If only I could get you to see that. In your time I guess....good luck, keep posting and learning. You will see happier times.
(( j ))

[swimmingupstream]

Just when I thought I could start trusting him with my heart again he stomps all over it. H has been more loving and caring and just seemed to be engaging more in the marriage. I thought it would be a good time to bring up putting on his ring...WOW..was I wrong. I have made HUGE improvements in our marriage..HUGE..he said it has been 10 years that you have been like this. 10 years..he will not let go of the past..I never cheated or left. I have supported him..here is what he tells me..I am never putting that ring back on again. You are not someone I will ever be able to talk to or trust..yet a few weeks ago I hear how I am the only person that understands him. I am tired of him hurting me..I handled it very well and went about my day..but he did make me cry..later he came in drunk and said you make me feel bad about myself..and I said the only person that can make you feel bad about yourself is yourself. He then said I am lonely..I said I am sorry you are lonely but I am here for you every single day..emotionally and physically. I am tired of being the one that has to be perfect..what about him?? It hurts me so badly..he said dont you think it hurts me to have to tell you I cannot talk to you or trust you..BS...total bs! I have NEVER given him a reason not to trust me..unless it comes to money and to be honest even with that I came to him on multiple occassions and asked for help! This is just bs that I am dealing with a BABY here! I feel like crap..Why the He** does he feel like he cannot talk to me..truth is..he cannot talk to ANYONE..THis is just BS! He will never forget the past. I have put up with SO much from him..Why should I be responsible for EVERYTHING!

[swimmingupstream]

Oh..and right now..I feel the happiest I have been in SO SO long! I have lost over 50 lbs..I am running better than I ever have and I just feel more peaceful!

[swimmingupstream]

and...25yearsMLC You are SO RIGHT about everything you have said..I wish I could detach better. I just get caught up in all of his drama!I feel so responsible for his life. SO responsible for making him feel like he cannot talk to me..I have never had someone tell me that feel like they cannot talk to me.

[P17]

and...25yearsMLC You are SO RIGHT about everything you have said..I wish I could detach better. I just get caught up in all of his drama!I feel so responsible for his life. SO responsible for making him feel like he cannot talk to me..I have never had someone tell me that feel like they cannot talk to me.

My W has told me similar things about nor being able to talk to me. And perhaps she's right but in absence of mind reading powers, I can't see entirely why that would be.

I am not really one to give advice here but something I know to be true, and I have tried to put into place, is ignoring what my W says to me, especially in the way of criticism. The WS tries to rewrite marriage history to suit themselves (and if your H is anything like my W you will have heard umpteen different stories about why you split) and it can therefore be safely ignored.

He is saying what he needs to to make HIMSELF feel better and the best way to make yourself stop hurting is to HURT the one closest to you. That would be you.