thank you..... i am going to be alone with him tonight, while our son is out and it is going to be very difficult not to bring up anything, try to be physical with him, etc....... i know this will have an adverse outcome i also have been told that he is looking for a place of his own.....do i just let that be and not say anything? my sympathy goes out to anyone going through this it really feels like i am swimming underwater with no way up
grr, sorry about not seeing your story up top, don't know really what I was thinking, how did it go yesterday.
Remember, this is a nonemotional plan that has to be put in place, it was hard for me as with everybody to go against your instincts but that is exactly what you have to do.
It really clicked for me when I realized that if I do pursue and be the begging needy (unattractive) person that I would for sure lose her. Knowing this is when I switched gears and the sooner you do the better off you will be.
hi everyone, we went to a counselor tonight (i set this up, as when we were at this horrible place a few years ago, he gave me a number and i never called it - too scared. this time i wanted to show him that i could take action) all he did was talk about how i am a drag to be around, i am known as an unhappy person and that he is done and the only reason he is in counseling it to help me through this. i barely said a word and let him have at it at the end of the session, he said he is out after the holidays and that he thought the session did nothing. the counselor explained that this is a process and asked if he wanted a double session next time....i just shut up and expected him to say "no" it's not worth our time. he said "yes, that's fine" at the same time he told me, on the way home that if i had only started this process a year earlier he might have seen his way clear to using the tools to help us i am a bit confused as to why he would then want a double session and my first instinct was to tell him to forget it we then went to my sisters to pick up our son and he was in a great mood and seemed very happy any thoughts?
Really sorry that you are here but you have definitely come to the right place and will get good advice here. I am relatively new here but I will echo dburt when I say that the best thing that I have done is to stop being needy (crying, begging, pleading, rationalizing, etc.). This has made a huge difference in the dynamic between me and my W.
I have also learned to just listen to her. I don't talk much about me, I let her vent about her stress, her work, whatever. I just listen and validate.
My W also told me that I was a drag and that I had become a very negative person. This was hard for me to hear but when I reflected on it, I realized it was true. Think about what your H said and if you think you have really become negative or unhappy, that is an excellent opportunity for a major 180.
I know as you mentioned that you feel like you are under water. My therapist calls it "free fall". In any case, it sucks but you have a lot of people on this forum who know how you feel.
Grrr, whether you believe it or not to be true about beeing a drag, it does not matter, you were a drag in his mind. It is time not to be a drag any longer, you just have to show it to him indirectly.
For example, please get some plans on going out this Friday, or go out for happy hour tonight or tomorrow with some buddies, perferably a few male buddies. You are now the fun happy girl that he use to know. And then actually go out and have fun for yourself.
Get a new perfume, when you leave for your night out, look smoking hot, get a new hair style, wear those sexy thong thingys. And if you do not feel like doing it, make your self do it. Fake it till you make it.
You can do this, make him wonder what the hell you are doing, he will then eventually start going to MC to try to get you back and not doing it just for you, and showing everyone that he did all he could to try to save the marriage.
I really have been a bit of a drag, when i am home. when i am at work i feel much more like me. home is taking care of my infirm parents (my choice) and basically being a single mom, while my husband travels around the country playing music. when he gets home, there is no "us time" he usually shuts himself off to decompress and the stays out of the house when he can. on the flip side he is great with my parents and has much more patience then i do. you are right. i need to be the opposite of a drag...what would that be? i need the personality that i show to my coworkers and friends. as far as looking hot - (and i love that you wrote "sexy thong thingys" - i will try to say it 10 times fast) that process has begun...only my husband claims that i am one of the most beautiful and sexy women he knows...and that is not the problem. last night he knocked on my door and came in for a bit and said he is sorry that the last few days have been so hard...he also said he has seen that i have made a bit of a breakthrough, but he just doesn't see a romantic future for us. drats! - another sleepless night after that. anyway, he left this morning for the west coast ( i am an eastcoaster) and will be back sunday night, when i will be out with a friend of mine seeing some of HIS friends play music in the city thanks for the advice and i hope for all of you that your situation is faring much better than my own (should i have written fairing?) oh well, off to work i go! have a great day everyone
ahhhhhhh.....horribl, horrible day at work yesterday..i literally thought of nothing else but him and how i miss him (and yesterday was a 12 hour work day for me) couldn't wait to get home to my son and when i did i had a hard time functioning as a "good mother" let him get to bed too late, lost my patience......... and then another night of waking up at exactly 3:15 (does that happen to anyone else, you wake up the same time every night?) with the blissful knowledge that sleep would escape me the rest of the night so here i type.......just need to vent hope everyone had a night bathed in sweet, sweet dreams!
I think we all have had these horrible days. Try to keep everything in pespective. We ARE going to have bad moments, bad days because we are human. Just keep DBing one day at a time and find the will to have patience. Patience is where I struggle. Don't think too far ahead. Get busy GALing. I too would wake up at 3:00 AM. Since I have went dim and GALing my attitude and sleep has improved immensely. Keep venting to get your emotions out here. Hang Tough, You CAN do it.
HeartBroken Dad
Me: 42 Her:41 Son:11 Daughter:9 Married:1993 Bomb 9/09: "I am ready to move on." Filed 10/21/09 Separate: 11-8-09
Remember grrr, this is not a sprint! Change for yourself, again, be that awesom chick that has fun no matter where. To do this you must detatch from your sitch. You are way too busy to get down about all off this, life is out there, embrace it. Do it for yourself! The waste product of this chemical reaction just may be your husband seeing you in a different light.
