Thank you Lotus and Saffie. Lotus, my H has already left. He rented a apartment in Sept for 6 months to be "alone" to think. I am having trouble setting boundaries right now because 1) I am afraid (which I know is doormat like) that since he didnt feel loved for a long time--and that was a lot my fault because I was dealing with my best friend's cancer treatment and death and sick mother and I really did not put my marriage where it should have been--that now I need to show him that unconditional love and 2) I feel like the boundary lines keep changing--since losing his dad who was an incredible, and honorable man is one of the most devastating things to ever happen to my H--H was there for me when my mother and best friend died. He is so confused, wracked with guilt about the A (knowing he let his father down even tho his father didnt know before he died)that I dont feel like pushing tHE OW issue to the breaking point. I really believe in his confused mind he has set he 6 month lease end date--4/10 as his time to sort things out an make a decision. You and I and the rest of the people on this board know that he is cake eating but I think he would see me making more demands as the bossy, I am always right, and overwhelming him with my better verbal skills type that I have been in the past. Where I get confused is "you dont have to wait while decides"--what should my boundaries be? I cant show him my love and also that the changes I have been working on for the last 11 months are permanent if he isnt coming back to our house at all. I am not being needy or demanding but I am being pleasant and loving and more wifely with food and encouragement and support than I had been. And, he doesnt just call or drop in unless there is an emergency--ie his dad's illness and death or our adult children are around. He does text and call her multiple times a day and also works with her closely every day in a small office. I think Saffie is right on about enjoying 2 women wanting him--it has to be a head rush to be wanted by us both. I guess I take some encouragement from him wanting my support during a terrible time but as things return to more "normal" in his life will he just slip back to hardly seeing me and spending all his time with her at work or on the phone/text. RIght now I feel he is at a vulnerable time emotionally where he is seeing the importace of family. WHERE should I start with boundaries?
