Separated--Does Not Admit to OW

[saffie]

What you are saying is that your H is keeping you hanging on by making the appropriate noises whilst he decides what to do. Does that sound fair?

When I found out about my H's A it was literally two weeks before we were due to go on our annual family holiday with the kids and about four/ five weeks before we were due to have a break away by ourselves to celebrate our 20th Wedding Anniversary. My H wanted me to let things rattle along as they were with him trying to make up his mind between me and OW until we got back from both those holidays.

Now, for one thing, I was not going to be in a very good condition/ place mentally knowing I was 'on trial' and competing with an illusionary / not set in reality, relationship with OW. Also, it left my H in the grand position where he felt loved and fought over by two women, ( and however tortured he may have appeared to be over that he was loving it). He had gone from feeling he was getting NO attention to be the centre of everyone's attention.....and like a naughty child, any attention - good or bad- was better than none.

I went to see my psychiatrist and took my H with me. My psychiatrist does not do 'couples' work and was uncomfortable and only agreed to see my H at the very end of the session with me. He was quite clear with my H that I was his 'patient/client' and that it was me he was looking out for, but he also told my H that to ask me to stand by and give my H time to 'choose' was just unrealistic and down right cruel. The way he phrased it seemed to make my H see sense and he went home and we talked and a decision was made. He also said that as OW now knew I knew anout the A she would start to make my H feel under more pressure.....and that was so true.

There is no need for your H to reply to OW if she contacts him at times like a funeral. No-one contacts people about 'work' when a close relative has died. He is stupid to say that. He needs to respect you whatever the outcome is.

Finally, I have been on these boards a while and I have seen a lot of people let their partners dictate the rules and cake eat in the hope that by not making any waves their partner will come home eventually. DBing, as I understand it, is not about being a doormat. In nearly all those cases I am describing, the LBS ended up divorcing and nearly always wishing they had stood up for themselves.

It seems to me you are in a good position from what you say your H is saying. I wouldn't, if it were me, give him time to 'cake eat' and leave you in limbo whilst 'he decides'. The furture of your M is a joint decision; you should not be passive in that decision making process. YES, you can change things by yourself by making changes like showing him you do love him.....but you don't have to show him that by agreeing to everything he says. You don't have to wait whilst 'he' decides. You can make boundaries. It's your M too. Don't be a doormat - that is not an attractive thing to be. My doormats get dirty from everyone wiping their feet on them and then they get thrown away and replaced. YOU are more than that. Value yourself.