It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

nope, a friend, also named mark is paying for the tickets. He's also agreed to loan her money.

I consider it a date. It bothers me a lot but I'm not letting her see how much.

I'm taking my parents' offer and I'm staying with them. I'm now far from my W and kids. It's hard to deal w/ that but I see some vague aspect of hope.

This is exactly why I chose not to stay in the same town (homelessness being almost a minor issue). If I have to be on the outside of her fun new life w/out me, then it's best to be far away. Too much potential for damage.

[TooLateForMe]

Every morning I wake up feeling utterly in love w/ my wife and I have to face the reality that she isn't there. I must be dreaming about her. I love that feeling but it quickly turns to pain and lots of thinking about the situation.

I don't know what to do about that. Any advice?

[bluerain]

My STBXH is a mark too. I think that you are making progress, even if it still hurts sometimes, I promise you that as you detach more and start doing things that take your mind off of your sitch these feelings will become easier to deal with.

My suggestion is just keep on keepin on.

[TooLateForMe]

There's another issue that I may not have mentioned. She's been hanging out with another male old friend. He's a tattoo artist and lives about 50 miles away. She's been getting lots of "free" tattoos and hanging out a lot w/ him and his son.

She claimed, before the separation, that she was not attracted to him, but I'm no longer sure of this.

[TooLateForMe]

Lesson: R talk sucks you back into old patterns. I will avoid it from now on, simply agreeing with anything she says and not offering any "solutions." Anything else continues the patterns and helps convince her that nothing has changed.

[SpyBunny]

Avoiding R talks is good- everybody here says that. But the point of validating is to acknowledge her point of view, not necessarily agreeing with her.

[TooLateForMe]

Validating but also to avoid unneeded resistance. If I show anything but agreement/validation it will show I'm not engaged. No engagement=the same old guy who doesn't care or has a bad attitude.

[bluerain]

Validating is only applicable to R talks that SHE brings up. You can be kind to her and show her that you care by engaging in anything else that she brings up. She talks about her day- you validate that- boy, I understand how your boss could frustrate you so much! That kind of thing. You will have opportunities to show her the changes that you have made, you just need to stay calm and play your cards right- easier said than done right?

Patience, patience, patience.

[TooLateForMe]

I'm going through a no contact period right now. I still think about her way too much. I dream about her almost every day and wake up to realize she's not there.

I need detachment in a bad way. The hurt isn't as crushing but only due to getting used to it. I'm reading a book called Getting Back Together which is helping w/ the detachment.

Also, talking to her feeds into her defenses. They go up immediately and I need to let her relax and recognize that I'm not her enemy and that I'm evolving.

I would rate the possibility of reconciliation at less than 10%. I need to be comfortable with this. Some days I am and some I miss her. Hell I miss her every day.

[TooLateForMe]

Got an email from W about how I "snapped" at D13 last night on the phone. What I did was ask that D not talk about her mom and to go into the other room as I didn't want to hear W's voice while I had a pleasant chat w/ my DD. My tone may have changed to a serious one but I made an effort to be nice about it.

I'm sick of the reactionary, mommy attitude W has had of late and replied w/ this:

I did not snap at DD13. In the future please ask me about things before telling me how to behave. I don't appreciate being told how to act when you weren't part of the conversation. I simply asked her not to talk about you and to go into the other room. She clearly didn't like this and got off the phone quickly. My tone may have changed slightly but I did not snap at her. If there is going to be a problem every time I have any contact with them or you then I will have no contact at all. This is very frustrating and I feel like every single thing I do is going to get a reaction.

The "at all" is in reference to taking some "time to myself." I thought I had made this clear to W, that I wanted a period w/out any contact from her and minimal contact w/ DDs. I apologized about that and planned to continue emails w/ the girls, but not w/ W.

This will likely cause a total negative reaction and for her to shut me out completely. I'm fed up w/ the crap I'm taking. I know I dished out plenty of my own, but I feel like she gets to set all terms and chew me out even when I do nothing wrong.