Hi all. I’m new here. I’ve been reading the threads for the past three days. This is far and away the best, most informative site I have found on saving marriages. What a nice, compassionate, helpful group of people!!
My W moved out about two months ago. We’ve been together 23 years and married 19 of those years. We went through a separation about eight years ago that lasted seven months. The R started deteriorating again about 8 – 10 months ago. But I didn’t see it coming (who does?).
Of course, I’ve been doing everything wrong; pleading, imploring (mixed with anger), letters, emails, late night texts (“I miss you”). And, of course, none of it has worked. I feel so stupid.
You see, W and I were both married previously – married early 20’s with both marriages lasting 4-5 years. In my first (and hopefully last) divorce, I was the WAS. I remember now how when I dropped the bomb I was only looking at the marriage through sh*t colored glasses. Ex W begged and pleaded – which only made me want to get away all the more. That was 20-odd years ago. I never stopped to think about it until I started reading these threads. The advice offered here makes so much sense!
We have no kids. But we do own a business together; a gym and personal training business. We agree that since this is our livelihood, we have to get along running the business. It is very hard to see her every day. We have employees that run the daily operations so W and I don’t have to interact very much except on big decisions or paying bills.
I miss my W terribly and I honestly don’t have a lot of confidence that I can win her back a second time.
Anyhow, my first 180 will be to stop the pursuing. Second, I’m going as “dim” as I possibly can – stop talking about my life and stop asking about her’s. Come to work, train my clients, and leave with as little chitchat as possible – pleasant but distant. And GAL.
Any if anyone here has any advice or questions, please feel free. I’ll take all the help I can get!
Couldn't resist.... sorry you find yourself here. This is a great site... keep posting .
That said, I like that you have some goals, that is a good thing. Post around on other people's thread as people will more than likely come check yours out because your checking theirs.
The weekends are a little quieter around here, so make sure to bump your thread up come Monday morning.
It would be tough working together... but my H and I still live together.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
We’ve heard it said, “Misery loves company”. Perhaps, but I don’t think that’s the best way to put it.
We really don’t love being miserable. And we really don’t love being in the company of others who are miserable.
What we need is to connect with others who are sharing our experience. We need to know that our experience and feelings are valid. We need to know that we are not alone and that we’re not crazy.
We need to know that while we are in pain that we feel will never end, there are others who feel the same way. And still, that there are others who have found the light at the end of that tunnel.
We need to know that as we lie in an empty bed with tears in our eyes, somewhere there are many others who are sharing the same feeling in the same moment. If they can weather that moment, so can we.
We need to know that there are others who feel our hopeless, darkest hour, but still somehow remain hopeful. And if they can do it, so can we.
Just rambling…
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Hi Norm, nice introduction. I'm sorry we are both here, but I'm glad for the community. I've been lurking over the past two weeks since my wife dropped the bomb, and it's been so helpful to read everyone's stories.
I read your post twice: When did your wife drop the bomb? what's happened since? So far my 180s and going dim has just been serving my W's cake eating. I'm not sure. I suspect she is 180'ing me.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Hi Norm, nice introduction. I'm sorry we are both here, but I'm glad for the community. I've been lurking over the past two weeks since my wife dropped the bomb, and it's been so helpful to read everyone's stories.
I read your post twice: When did your wife drop the bomb? what's happened since? So far my 180s and going dim has just been serving my W's cake eating. I'm not sure. I suspect she is 180'ing me.
Hi Awoken,
I just started the 180’s a few days ago. Can’t say as yet. W dropped the bomb on 9/12/09 and I just stopped the begging/pleading.
However, even before finding this site, I clocked the guilt: “I just want you to be well, and happy and whole”, “I want you to have the house”, “I really want your online business to succeed”. GAG!! Gimme a freakin’ break! What bullsh*t!!
Still, I love her. I just see through the crap. She can’t help it. She’s confused and feeling very guilty.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Hi Norm - I'm sorry you are here - but welcome. Start reading all the books you can. Lots of people on here list some great ones! They will help you succeed in making positive, lasting changes in you. I am assuming you read DR. How about Mars/Venus? The Five Love Languages? (really good one!!!).
This site is amazing for support!!!
Me - 33 Him - 37 2 Children (D-8, S-5) Married 04/28/01 He Left 12/03/05 Updated Story
