RTL, your main hang up is what people on HERE struggle to learn. Detachement. And boy, you need work on that!!
What gypsy and gucci are telling you is the ONLY way to become desired by her so even if gucci for example sounds harsh, try to remember that what you are doing isnt working and you may find out that doing this "the other way" may actually work. Stop being paranoid and let her be. K
Thank you again. Kalni, your 2X4 is spot on. I am going down cheeseless tunnels. It isn't working so I need to change course for sure. Also, thank you for your FB message. I'll be writing back soon.
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Men who are successful with women don't keep hanging around like you are.
gucci is correct. What I'm doing isn't working and isn't making her pursue me. I have to step away and be gone. She'll pursue me if she's truly interested. Right now, she has access to me whenever she wants me. I'm too responsive to her, I think.
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once I won his attention back, I never took him for granted again.
Gypsy laid out for me the way to be successful from a female vantage point. I have to deny her my attention and make her work to get it back.
In the meantime, I have to live for me and me alone. It is the old fears that are creeping back up and I need to be stronger, trust in another method, stay dedicated to myself and let things happen.
As Kalni said in her FB note to me, if I don't get myself right with things now, they'll end up hurting me in the future regardless if they are w/this girl or not.
Points heard and I'll be focusing on being much, much stronger and get back to working on me.
In the meantime, what do I do w/the "I miss you" responses I've been getting from her? What do I do if I'm invited to do something w/her and don't actually have plans? Act like I do and turn her down or accept her invite, go, have fun, stay a little bit and leave?
I'm asking so I'm prepared for these type of events when they come, because they have been showing up. She wants me to be around when she wants me and I need to get her to eventually move one way or another off the fence.
I'll need her to make a decision and I know that I'll have to be able to act and respond accordingly in order to force her hand.
If you have no plans and she invites you somewhere that sounds fun, take her up on it. If there are too many times when she invites and you have no plans, it means that you need to start figuring out how to make more plans for yourself.
Is being in a deep relationship so very important to you now?
Why not just be a free man for a while? Is there a rush to fall in love?
I know you like this girl for some particular reason, but think about how empowering it is for your self esteem if you are the one to be the dumper. I'm not saying to dump her now, but if she retreats again, it may be time to say "Enough - I wont allow my feelings to be played like a yoyo".
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I'll need her to make a decision and I know that I'll have to be able to act and respond accordingly in order to force her hand
That "force her hand" quote gets you one 2x4 to the head and you have to go back 5 spaces.
Thanks for the 2X4. I took it in stride and did retreat my 5 spaces.
I've realized I've done a lot of regression into past behavior and I need to find myself again. I need to let this one go, eventhough my old habits don't want to do so.
It isn't any good as it is. I need to go and be me and if I do interact w/her it is in a casual sense only. She has a lot to do before we can look to try something serious again...and so do I.
I do need to work more on me and being free. It is weird for me to be alone, but I need to get out of my comfort space b/c it is an old habit that wasn't healthy and still isn't. I'm glad I'm returning to therapy this week as the focus will be on finding myself again.
In other news...
I played my last softball games for a while tonight and we finished in 4th place, which is impressive for the squad we had and how we were thrown together for the first time this year. Now it is rest the legs for a few days, then get back to exercising normally.
Grace and I had a great weekend and she really enjoyed our annual visit to the state fair. She is also liking the fact that I'm coaching girls basketball and likes going into the gym with me for practice. When I have her, she's going to be the water girl for our games and I'm going to get her a shirt that is in school colors and I'll give her the number of 6 1/2 to match her age.
On the XW front, boyfriend #3 proposed tonight and she said yes. I congratulated her and wished her happiness. Maybe she'll get off my a$$ a bit once she gets married. I can only hope. I'm going to talk w/her about taking my child support payments and putting them directly into a college fund for D once she and BF get married b/c she won't need the extra income. I'm really hoping she'll go for it b/c I'd like to put that money toward her education as opposed to in XW's pocket.
Otherwise, I'm a bit down now, but only b/c I know I should be doing better in regards to myself. I got back into a rut of old habits and need to break out. I'm down b/c of the time I've put in w/gf and it is sad to see the need to break away.
If there will ever be a her and I, it won't happen unless I follow gucci and Gypsy's advice, back way off, get my life in order and let things fall where they may. Gucci's line of "men who are successful w/women don't hang around like you are doing" really sticks w/me.
I hope I'll continue to get more 2X4s from gucci and the rest of you.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could fix our broken selves overnight and just move forward quickly and cleanly?
Went on a date last night and it was ok. No sparks and I really had to carry the conversation, so it was pretty much a lot of work and thus will be a one and done scenario for her.
On the other fronts, not much is new. Basketball is getting closer and closer to the tip off so that will be a lot of fun.
I did send XW an e-mail today asking her to consider letting me have D on Fridays instead of on Thursdays during my short week so she could be the water girl at our games. No response from XW which means I may have to press the issue again.
If she says no, it will bother me b/c this would be something for D to do that she is looking forward to doing. It would be for her and I'd lose time w/D in the process. It would be more for her than for me, so I am hoping XW will see it that way and let it happen.
I'll continue to politic for it if she doesn't, but a little bit of good karma from you all couldn't hurt.
Hey, Sunshine. On FB, you wrote: "Please, show some faith in the Universe." Just to make sure, were you saying you're hoping I can just learn to relax and let things happen as they may? I just want to make sure I'm hearing you correctly, my friend.
So, as expected XW replied about my taking D w/me on four Fridays as opposed to Thursdays so she could be our water girl at the Varsity games. S
he said no b/c the parenting evaluator had said I needed to pick up D once a week from school, that I would ruin all her plans she'd made on Thursdays when D is regularly scheduled to be w/me, I'd be losing one-on-one time w/D and D would be up until 10 or 10:30 on those Fridays which "isn't healthy for her."
Of course I was very disappointed and wrote back saying that if it turned out that D really enjoyed the experience, I hope she'll be willing to reconsider her stance for D's sake in the future b/c it isn't about me but about creating memorable experiences for D.
This is punishment for me b/c XW was the one who I allowed to talk me into stopping coaching before and she's really against anything I do that involves coaching, so she's making sure to keep D out of it as well.
It is sad and unfortunate that she can't see the positives for her own daughter b/c she's too fixated on taking out her anger on me. In the end, it will only backfire on her as D will grow to resent her for denying her doing things w/me.
Again, I'm disappointed, but who knows? It may actually work out in the future for both D and me.
Hi Rob, I've been away for a while - out of town visiting my son and friends on the East Coast - and before that I was just...well...away (in my head)...that said, I was reading along and following your threads over the last few weeks, but just never quite felt situated enough to say what I was thinking...I don't know that I do now, but I'll venture forth all the same and say that I'm glad you're getting back into your skin. It seemed like you had been derailed a while back - and were doing a lot of mind reading in an attempt to figure out what was best for you. After a few well-timed 2x4s, you seem to be back on track.
Sorry to hear about not being able to have your D on Fridays - (btw...that's yet another thing we have in common, my STBX talked me out of coaching my old son's soccer team as well...and then got very opposed to anything involving me/son/soccer...it was very odd). Thankfully, as our children grow older we get to talk a lot more with them about what works in their lives - and it's always a blessing when they can filter through their own issues of growing up and share with us the insights - the innocent insights - that come with being happy and in the company of a loving parent.
I hope you keep going with that focus on you. Done right, it's the healthiest thing you can do - since when you feel more complete on your own - anything you offer another person can be given with pure generosity - and without any expectations invading your mind and making you feel too needy.
If you start sounding like Eeyore, stop. That's a red flag.
Never suggest what your former spouse should do with the child support. That's insulting and intrusive.
Don't take what your former spouse says personally. You put forth the request, she disagreed. End of story. Trying to figure out the rationale only takes positive energy away from you.
Consider a dating coach over divorce busting one. Heck.. Go to a good counselor over either of them. Fix you first!
An "I miss you" text is a tentative feeler to see how YOU are going to respond. It's not taking initiative or putting herself on the line.
And did you get a good counselor? Huh.. huh??? It's always easier to hang on someone else's words.. like your buddies here, a woman who's not ready for a relationship rather than WORK ON YOU.
Get off your cute ass, dump the woe is me crap and take care of this incredible guy I adore.
Get healthy before you get stuck in emotional goop.
Feel free to use this line.
"Yo, babe.. it's not you, it's me. I gotta get my ticker fixed before I can tick tock with you."
Work on YOUR emotional wellbeing first. What type of message does it send to Gracie if you don't?
Rob - I like Katie's post. She reminds me Mickey from the Rocky movies.
It does stink that Grace cant help as water girl. However, resist talking with Grace about it. It will only come back to bite you if Grace pressures her mom about it.
Why your X is opposed to it is a mystery. That is probably because of an overdose of estrogen, which I am told, is a drug that makes people crazy. My XW is also a heavy user of estrogen since she seems opposed to the cub scouts and girl scouts which is a mystery to me. I just jokingly think to myself that it is because those organizations teach ethics and good morals which is like Kryptonite to my X.
Go find yourself a meat locker and release some of the drug testosterone on a side of beef.
