WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

We had a sleepover party for S11's birthday this weekend (10 boys ages 10-12 were here). Tension seems to be down this weekend as we focused on the party and visited with some of the parents of the kids last night that we have known all our lives for hte most part. It seemed like old times.

I am realizing that there has been a lot of emotion swirling around us the past 2 weeks, which have led to several emotional arguments/discussions documented above.

I think the 20 year anniversary was an emotional undercurrent for both of us that had an impact on us.

Her words make her sound like she is closer to leaving than ever, but it is hard to tell if she is really prepared to do it. I think the next 2 months, over the holidays, will make or break us. Either we make it through and she resolves herself to staying around for the long term, or she makes up her mind and leaves either in the next few weeks or just after Christmas.

I just have a gut feeling limbo will be broken by January in one direction or another because we seem to be at a breaking point right now. Her birthday is also this week which also may be making her think a little more about what she really wants to do - milestones tend to do that I think.

I have been thinking a lot about the situation I am in with her and how distasteful it really is. If you forget about the fact that we have been together over 25 years and have built a life together with 4 children (hard to forget, I know, but if you exert a little mind control you can do it) I realize that there is no way in hell I would want to be a R with this woman given how she treats me (I've made my share of mistakes in reaction this past year, however). If you can forget about everything that surrounds us, there really is nothing there. She and I have both done things to damage this marriage, although I belive all is recoverable if there is a desire to do so which she doesn't have.

When I stepped back to think honestly about it I realized she hasn't expressed once that she would like to work on the M or make it work in the past 12 months - that seems like a long time and it probably stretches back before EA started (18 months?). This should be telling me something. She has repeatedly told me she is only here for the kids. I think she is not thinking clearly, but she never has 'woken up' to agree with me on this point so whatever I believe doesn't matter as a result (although, she HAS recently said she was 'off her rocker' when she had the A where she was on the phone for hours a day for 4 months).

When I think about her interaction with OM, secrecy, disrespectful behavior towards me, and everything over the past 12 months else I realize there isn't much to lose here as far as the R between us goes if you igonore our kids/home - it is hell really and it is taking a toll on our kids (D15 for sure).

Like her, I guess I am here or my kids however and trying to tough it out for their sake, but in the long run this is no way to live.

I will persevere as long as I can and let her make the move to S/D, but I need to not anguish about losing this R because it is kind of toxic.

I think some of hte stuff my mother told me about my health being impacted by all this is making me think a little more honestly about what is really going on here, and recognizing without denial how dire the situation is and the low likelihood of anything changing for the better.

In the end our kids are better off if we find a way to salvage it, but I feel like it is out of my control/out of my hands at this point and continuing to 'wait' for things to change is just plain frustrating. Some days are obviously worse than others.