I'm not sure what to do. Let me back up and explain the turn of events this weekend.
My W agreed to go to counseling, we went last Wed. We were there for 2 hours. In that time, I remained calm and listened to her tell me about everything I did wrong. I had some oppertunity to talk about my progress in counseling; but it was mostly her rehashing everything I did wrong. I did have a chance to tell her this is not all my fault and that she has blame in it too...she did agree.
She started the session by talking with the counselor seperatly. When she did, she said that she missed me sometimes; but not all the time.
She repeated that when I was in there, talking about the Olidays being our favorite time, etc...
At the end of the session she was angry. She said that she needed to come to counseling to "get this off her chest"; but it was nothing I hadn't heard before.
She got very angry that I wasn't fighting back. She told me to yell because it felt good. I told her I saw no value in that and if divorce was our only choice, I was not going to get angry with her.
It was emmotional, very emmotional at times, esspecially when I had to rehash the things that happened to me as a kid.
At the end, the C asked if we would like to come back next week, we have an appt for this wed. She replied "I don't see the point, there is nothing left here". He asked me and I replied that I would come back. he closed by asking us to think about it and call if we wanted the appt. He also added that love is a choice and so is divorce. Love isn't either there or it isn't, it is a choice.
This Friday my W had a sleepover for our 11 yo daughter. 5 11 yo girls. She didn't tell me about it (but I knew) until Friday morning when she needed help. like a fool, I agreed. I bought supper, snacks, movies and even breakfast. I worked with her and her sister and it went pretty smooth. I was feeling pretty good. I left early, didn't linger. I did tell her that if she needed anything to call. our little boy was pretty sick and we thought he might need to go into the dr.
Sat morning she called ans said they needed eggs. like a fool again, I ran and got eggs and went over and made breakfast.
I stayed to finsih cleaning up the yard for winter and was asked to watch our little boy while she took the girls out. I agreed.
Before she left she was asking about bills. I was explaining things to her and things got heated. She mentioned advertising the house more and I asked her to suggest where we put it in the budget. She got angry that I wasn't just figuring this out for her.
I asked her if she would consider counseling this week and she flat out said no. She got upset and yelled at me to get upset. I asked her if it would help if I got upset, because if it would, I would get very upset. Well, I got upset. We argued and I asked her if she was not willing to go to counseling and if things were "over" and there was "no chance" why she hadn't filed yet. She said she would file when she was "damn good and ready". We argued some more, but I felt I was very fair in the discussion. At one point she said "If we get divorced..." and I stopped her. I told her she keeps telling me there is no hope, but she says things like that all the time. She asked "like what" and I repeated what she said "IF we get divorced". She got angry and said "WHEN we get divorced".
I should have walked away. I didn't.
I told her that we had two choices. We can go to counseling and fix this marriage or we can get divorced. I would like to go to counseling. She again said no. So I said "then file, I can't stay in limbo any longer".
She got very angry and said "I've been in limbo for 4 years, do you think I give a sh!t that you've been in limbo for 2 months?".
I asked her if she was waiting for me to file. If that is what she wanted. She said no.
She was leaving, upset, and I let her go.
While she was gone, I got really angry. I filled out my petition for divorce online and emailed it to myself to print. I was going to end this. I was going to take control and do what she says is the "only choice".
When she came home, I was getting ready to leave. I asked her if she would file this week and she talked about money problems. I told her that was fine, I would do it then. She said she had the paperwork all ready. I told her I did too and she looked like she would kill me, so I left.
I went to work and printed two copies; one a joint petition and the other a individual petition for me. I was going to get this process started one way or the other this week.
I went back home and gave her the papers and told her we can go to counseling or you can review these papers and we can file this week. If you won't do either, I will file on my own. Then I left.
Then I posted on her, and if you've been reading along, I suspect you were confused. I was too.
Today I went to church and spent the day with family, talking. They are supportive of me filing, but they all also said that I had done very well to this point and that only I would know when it was right to end it.
I saw Christmas commercials today and got very sad.
I don't want a divorce, but this limbo is killing me. I leave for 7 days and go to the old house and sleep on an air mattress. She leaves for 7 days and goes to her parents and has their food to eat, supplies to use, etc... Yet SHE is the one with money problems?
I'm so frusterated I don't know what to do. I have IC on Wed morning and we do have a Pm appt on Wed for btoh of us, if she decides to go. On top of that, we have a 2 hour appt with a FC for our daughter Wed. afternoon.
What do I do? I melted down, but I don't think I regret it. She needed to know where I stood. She really feels like I have had all kinds of affairs, like I am just waiting for someone better to come along and that we have been "nothing more than friends" for years. I just don't buy it.
She agreed that she did love me at one time, but that it was many years ago.
She said she doesn't have the energy or desire to fix our marriage; and won't.
She said that I am a differnt person and she doesn't know me anymore.
She says that we need to sell the house before filing for divorce.
What am I supposed to do? I'm at the end of my rope, and I really felt like I let go on Saturday, but today I'm not so sure.
I can't imagine those of you who have been doing this for month after month. It is so hard to leave your kids and not see them. To only hear them on the phone. To not be with my wife, who I miss more than I ever thought I would.
I do know that if we divorce, I can move on. I do know I will be okay and will meet someone else someday; but the waiting is killing me.
Everyone keeps saying "I wish there was something I could say or do". I really wish there was; but the sad fact is, there is nothign anyone, including me, can do or say to change this.
I'm very confused and will wait to see my IC on Wed before doing anything and I am going to try to avoid my W until then. Let both of us cool down and see if she does reconsider going to the counseling session.
I could use some advice. I appreciate any feedback.
