Slept with XH, help!!

[Grace_O]

Glad to hear you're getiing out and having some fun.

It's interesting that your H is going to church in his quest for .....whatever.

I hope that you find whatever it is you seek in this life though.


"Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be." -Don Quixote (Cervantes)

[Augtan]

Huge set back tonight! I was not having a good day, just really sad and depressed. XH calls for S10 and I start talking to him...big mistake! It didn't go well. He said "I am moving on with my life and you need to do the same, I am not going to talk to you about anything but the kids, I don't want to know about your personal life so I am not going to share mine with you." That was the jist...I never asked him about his personal life, I was just asking why his attitude towards me had changed so much in a matter of a few days. I said a lot I shouldn't and everything he says just hurts so much. I hadn't really talked to him in a long time, and I told him I was just letting him process everything like he told me he needed to. At one point he wanted to tell me something and didn't, I really think it has to do with OW. They have not been together all weekend, but I give that nothing. I fully expect him to call up one day soon and say they are married, I have to make myself think the worst case senerio from now on!! I am not getting my hope up when it comes to him anymore. I admit after his visit I did get my hopes up because I did see my H, the real H, not my XH, when he was up here.

I want so badly to just forget he exisits as he has done to us, but I just don't know how to do that, I am not that kind of person. I know I am doing so much better and just had a set back today, but it is so hard sometimes. I just can't understand how he just threw us to the curb and if OW is gone why he won't reach out to me as his friend.

I did meet some fun people over the weekend and I now really feel if I would just get out there I would meet more and maybe be able to GAL even more and move on. One day at a time and as I move 3 steps forward, I might take 1 step back. It is a healing process and when you have loved someone for 21 years and they change overnight...I think it is a longer one!

A

[Grace_O]

((((Augtan))))

I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now.

Expectations, even bad ones can blindside you. I do understand what you mean about "worst case scenario", but that can bite you as hard as positive expectaions. I have the teeth marks on my butt to prove it.

All the healing we need to do takes time. So much time it seems. IMO it's important to take whatever times you need. I have lists of goals, from daily to monthly to 15 years out. May seem a bit compulsive, but it gives me something to focus on that has a positive outcome for me. It also give me something to focus on besides H and all that goes with that.

You're right it's just a setback. You'll dust yourself off and get back in the saddle (so to speak). There really isn't another choice.

I still struggle with the friend thing. He may not feel worthy to be your friend. That's a hard row to hoe. If he isn't behaving as a friend even some of the time (ie: sharing anything personal) then perhaps you can be there when there's difficulty with the kids. I've found that I ca reach out to my H easier through my D'. Just a thought.

Take care sweetie.

[D Money]

Augtan,

You have to learn to not take things he says personally. Try and think of it this way. He knows there's something he has to work through and he has to do it alone but he doesn't know why. He feels like you're pressuring him (not saying you are but in his mind you are) so he will say things to you he knows may hurt you so you will leave him alone. The best thing for both of you right now is to give him time and space. The friendship will come. You have to have the faith that it will come. In my situation, my wife wanted nothing to do with me for months. Now just recently she has told me that she sees me as one of her best friends.

She didn't want anything from me, but I treated her as a friend anytime I had the opportunity to interact with her.

Keep your chin up.

[Augtan]

Thanks so much for the support! I have such issues with my kids that it just makes me so upset to have to do it alone.

I am just going to continue to give him his time and space, no matter what. I know he feels I am pressuring him, you are exactly right!! That is so true, cause no matter what I do he feels that way right now. He has so much to work through. I just get so overwhlemed thinking he doesn't know that no matter what I am here for him, that I want to tell him over and over. I know that is making it worse, so I bit my tounge. I try the kid thing, but I get so upset it turns into something else. I know he doesn't feel worthy of anything and I hate he feels this way. What is so hard is he does share things with me and we shared so much when he was up here and then...boom...he is right back to not sharing anything and doing all he can to push me away. He is just in and out of the tunnel, and I know that, but it is so hard to watch. Thanks again, I need to come here all the time so I can stay on track!

The thought of Christmas is just making me miserable!! We had such great Christmas traditions and XH has never missed waking up Christmas morning with our kids. The closer it gets the more emotional I get, it is soo hard to just ignore it when it is everywhere you turn.

A

[cat04]

A,

DMoney is right. None of this happens over night, but the day might come when he wants to be your friend. Then who knows what…

My went from saying all of those things to me that yours has said to you, I’m moving on blah, blah, blah, and seeming so absolutely certain.

This weekend, suddenly, he is telling me how confused he is, how we seem like such good friends.

When you talk to him about the kids, YOU have the power to stop conversations about any other topic. Simply say, I don’t want to talk about that. Or find a real quick excuse to hang up before he can get going. Right now, all that is doing is hurting you. It may seem rude, or mean, and you will have the fear that you will never hear from him again, but you will.

Good day sweetie.

[Augtan]

Okay, one thing that keeps playing over in my head is when he said "I am indifferent to you, I don't care what you are doing, where you are going or anything about your personal life"

I know I should not take anything he says to heart, but as all of you know, this is not easy to do.

I am getting the feeling more and more that either things are over with OW or they are very cooled down. I then get the feeling I need to pounce...but I know I can't and shouldn't do that. I just know his needs and what makes him feel good and I want to be the one to give him all that before someone else comes along and fills those needs for him again. Is there little things I can say or do to get the message to him or should I just completely leave him alone? What I mean is...one of his needs is admiration especially when it comes to providing for us (we learned our needs from the book His Needs/Her Needs when we were in C). So, what if I just tell him how much it means to me that he continues to pay his child-support and alimony on time and that I appreciate him (another one of his needs...appreciation)? I could do this when we are talking about the kids or something. I just wonder if I can get little things in to build him up and make him see I am here and know what he needs. One of his complaints is that I don't know him well-enough and don't pay attention to the little things, so if I start to do that more, maybe it will make a difference. But, I want to make it subtle and rare at the same time. I don't want to screw this up, I want to give him his time to process everything like he asked, but I want him to know I know what he needs so he will want to get those things from me.

A

[fisherman]

Just leave him be for now. You can't force anything when it comes to this.

[Treese]

A...

I've been lurking on your thread off and on and what you said hit me...I wanted you to know that my H said the EXACT same thing to me...about he's moved on so I need to do the same. I have not seen my H since July...we've texted but only about S12..I have a daughter getting married and a D17...a couple of weeks ago was my 25 wedding anniversary...spent alone....I've done everything you've done...probably worse..I would take Giant steps backwards...

I am getting a life now...I go out more..I'm really trying to get my H and OW out of my head and yes..it is sooooo hard..after all we've been with them for so long..I find I do much better with no communication..My H doesnt see my children hardly at all..it's truly his loss...

I was a mess for soooo long...I really think I"m much better even though I have setbacks..they're just not as bad.

Take Care....Treese

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The thought of Christmas is just making me miserable!! We had such great Christmas traditions and XH has never missed waking up Christmas morning with our kids. The closer it gets the more emotional I get, it is soo hard to just ignore it when it is everywhere you turn.

That's ummmmm...
1 month...and um....

Thats a month and a half away!

Are you dreading Valentines day too? Cause that's coming up next year.


Aug,

You (collective...WE)can ALWAYS find things to make you (us)miserable.
Is that that the type of person you are?

You want a suggestion to change something about yourself? Change that. Look for the good in stuff. Happy people live longer and generally people like being around them.
Is