Longtime coming...

[Awoken]

She confesses that she has been hiding her drinking from me, and the she has been drinking herself to sleep for years to handle her pain. We ended that nights conversation with me saying I wanted to work on the M, but I would cooperate with her, and her saying she needed time to "find herself" and that "she doesn't know what she wants".

Sounds like your W is an alcoholic, and blaming you for many (most, all?) of her problems. And prob. good chance of an EA/PA. I do think addictive personalities like your W are more prone to affairs.

I do not believe in any way that you are responsible for her alcoholism. She is responsible for that. Have you talked to her about AA? I don't think it is possible to have a good or healthy marriage when one is an active alcoholic. Maybe Al-anon for you?

Good for you on not moving out. You shouldn't. Your W is the one that should be having consequences for her actions. You don't mention kids; do you have them?

I think al-anon is a good step for me. Thanks.
I listed my children in my signature: D17 (turned 17 today), and S13.

I just finished talking with W; I managed to leave the conversation first, but I'm sure I let it go on much to long. It started because she wanted to talk about D17's schedule on wednesday. Then she told me all about her new found love of work. I stood there and listened closely, kept eye contact. But overall felt like a floormat. I know I'm not doing this right.

Towards the end, I told I was glad she had found some happiness and I was actually glad that she had woke both of us up to what was going on in our M. She thanked me, and then asked if I still wanted her and the kids to go along with me on our thanksgiving trip. We had planned it several months ago. I asserted that I wanted to spend thanksgiving with my children, but she could do whatever she wanted.

Here's a point to your questions: somehow, by the end I managed to bring up her drinking (she had a drink in hand), and she came out and said that she had been open with our MC about it, and was trying to cut back. sigh. We are currently meeting with MC individually.