Interesting sunny, I feel I was the one desperate for fusion (in PM's words), I think he is able for a much diferentiated stance than I was in his relationships. I have to give this some thought. And maybe NY plays a role, as it should.
Just saying the word TO him, not writing emails, not talking on the phone, "released" me. Nothing new came out, but the fact that I kept telling him about me, and what I was thinking when they were in hotels, trips, sneaking to see each other, how I felt in August finding all these pictures, the emails talking about MY life, how it felt to suddenly realise that I was fighting with my eyes blindfolded, how it felt knowing now that all this time he was cake eating, I was using details of the past, words he had said and was now putting them in the right context, the counceling he came to once, 3 months before he moved out, where for 2,5 hours he agreed with my C that this R was viable and made a last remark at the end, "I dont know if I want this R" tearing down everything we had agreed all the time we were there, details about our kids, the lies to our friends that tried to help out, the constant effort to "monsterise" me while all along the truth was, he was so in love with her, he couldnt see 20 cm away, deep in the fog of the beginning of their A.
I asked him what he feels about her morals. He said, "I cant say anything about her morals since I was doing this with her". He insisted she showed up at the place with my son, un-announced and pretended she was there at the playground, I asked him if that wasnt weird, I told him "our kids, are mine and yours, and whoever enters their lives, is our decision, nobody forces herslef on them". He said "I know, you are right".
I asked him if he realised she could have kept the baby and how would our kids react to that scenario. He looked down and said "I never thought of that possibility".
He did admit that for a while, he thought he had found "HER" but that very quickly after he moved out, he felt she wasnt her.
He said she knew I was asking for a divorce (which I doubt) and was concerned why he didn't do it. I asked why didnt he and he said "doesnt the situation now tell why I didnt? I never wanted to divorce you, not for one minute, something was holding me back".
I told him I am not his mom. The love a couple shares is not unconditional. It's not enought to take for granted love exists, you have to show it to your partner. I have said before he had a close R with his mom. A weird one. THey wouldnt talk much, he didnt spend time with her much, but he KNEW she loved him no matter what he did and that she knew he loved her. I stressed this alot because I know I am a lot like his mom only I am not her. And even if for a while I had accepted this "love exists and it is enough" I have no longer the reason, stupidity, or ignorance to believe so as he wants me to. Love is not there unless I feel it. I told him, he is no longer honest, good, "safe" for me. He said he is the same person he always was and if I thought he was good before, I should know he is good now. I replied that this isnt how it works from now on and plus I have changed a lot to.
Today is his nameday. Three years ago, flowers came to the house with a group corporate card signed by 3 people, two men and her. Mind you, this was before he acted mean or cruel to me. For some reason I insisted it was funny a sponsor company had sent flowers to our home, they usually send them to his office. I asked about her and he said "ohh she is just one of the account managers I work with for the team". My instict was dead on. That is why 6 months later when I found the first inocent email from her I immediately felt threatened. I had remembred the name.
I know she will contact him today. May send him flowers, gifts, show up at his work whatever. I will ask him about it. He better NOT lie. He said he just doenst want to embarg in a convo with her. He feels if he tells her what I asked him to, he will have to asnwer questions. I understand that. But I will demand an email. Didnt want to do that last night because I didnt feel like threatening, etc... But when I do tell him again, I will tell him it is a dealbreaker and until he does, I am "out".
I feel like so much hurt left me last night. Katharsis is a great word for it. K
