Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

Well the worst has happened. I went to the banquet last night. When I walked in the door, H was in the back corner table with this girl that has wanted him since grade 10 of high school. She is the "one" girl that has caused many arguments between us. She has always been very flirty with him right in front of me. Called him behind my back. This was all a few years ago but still. He dislikes her. He actually cannot stand her. He talks badly about her alll the time.

Uh-huh. He can't stand her, but there he is hanging out with her? Something's fishy. (Rule number one: "cheaters lie".)

Even worse after being there for two hours he made no attempt to talk to me. He just sat at the table with her and her friend and his buddy. Then at ten oclock I ran into him and he said he was leaving cause he was tired. Really...that's funny. You ask me to come here, you don't talk to me, and then you leave at ten?

I thought you were going to go to this banquet for yourself? So you could have fun and not deal with him at all? So why do you care if he didn't talk to you? (The answer? Because you haven't ________ yet.)

This was a perfect test of your new-found commitment, and you blew it.

And where is the chick? Who knows, probably waiting in the truck for him.

Not your concern, except you now have a perfect boundary to communicate to him; he gets her, or he gets you; no sharing.

So having a few drinks in me, I did the worst possible thing. I asked him to come home with me. I told him the kids weren't there, just come home and we'll hang out. He denied saying he was tired.

...yeah, you set yourself up for that, sorry to say.

You tried to force him to choose between her and you, and you got an answer. You should have known full well what was going to happen if you asked him over, but you did it anyway.

And I think I've just got to move on even though we've been making progress and baby steps everyday he proved it meant nothing last night.

He did nothing of the sort. We've been warning you that his feelings are all over the place, and will be for a while, and that's why you need to detach yourself. But as far as I can tell, you haven't given any of this a chance to really work.

To him, you are still the same person he dropped the bomb on 5 weeks ago, with some slight improvements.

And if you make this about her, then you are going to push him even farther towards her. She needs to not exist to you (except for the boundary that needs to be set).