Mare, He has JUST found out that you are on to him! He is confused about how to proceed, just like you are. He will probably be worried about you changing your mind, you could still decide to call it quits so he is in limbo too. This will probably make him defensive and perhaps even more secretive, he is going to feel like he has to protect himself. Of course this will not help YOU any, you need him to be straight forward and open! You definitely have the short end of the stick but he is going to be unsure and afraid too. The return of trust will take time and patience and the desire to fix things on both of your parts. I watched a show last night on alzheimers and brain damage, once a nerve is killed it can not regenerate but your body CAN build a new path around the damage. It occured to me that that is what we have to do. Our trust is a burned demolished bridge. We have to build a new bridge, find a new road around the devistation so that we can keep going down the right road. It wont be the same as it was befor, but it will accomplish the same thing. We cant build it over night but if we take our time and do it right the new bridge can be better and stronger than the old one! Right now everything is to new and confusing for you to even seriously think about reconstruction. Let things settle a little then talk to your H and come up with a blueprint together. It is going to take TIME and losts of patience!! You are doing GREAT! You are strong! And you can do this if you just set your mind to it !!!! I KNOW you can! Tempest
Ya'll are just wonderful. I have to be out all of here all day so I'll have lots of time to think constructively. Thank you for your love and support. Mare
PS Should I really tell him I had his password?
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 04-29-99).]
If he has already changed his password he may already suspect, in which case telling him wouldnt really hurt you much but may be considered a sign that you trust him. If he dosent already know, will he feel violated to know you accessed his private stuff ( You know like reading someones private diary or journal)? Will you feel horribly guilty and be driven to tell him later? Only you know the answers to these questions.
I just want to barf. Don't know what I'll do next. I do know from snooping that he was setting up a new e-mail location with a free e-mail provider. Does this more of the same? Can there ever be trust? When we talk, I may just give him an ultimatum. So sad and sick. Thanks. Talk with you tomorrow. Mare
Hang in there. Dont give the ultimatum. Just chill and get yourself in hand! Try to relax some, your going to make yourself sick!! Take a deep breath, think of white fluffy clouds in a sun-lite blue sky!! Just because he wants a new server dosent mean anything. Ive been looking into NetZero myself but I'M not screwing around! I dont want you to be blind and ignore everything but dont think everything has a motive behind it either. OK? Another Deep breath! remember those fluffy clouds! Right now it is to easy to read negative things into ALL his actions. So just sit back and try to be more objective. I KNOW easier said than done. I DO know. Spazing out will solve NOTHING!!!
You don't wanna tell him you were snooping for many of the same reasons he didn't want to tell you about his infidelity.
You're gonna lose a few points in his eyes, he'll be disappointed and unhappy with you.
He might throw a fit and get really angry. Then you'll have to "face the music" because you both know you deserve it.
I don't think the snooping was so much a matter of you not trusting him - but more that you didn't trust your intuition and needed to confirm it and know that you weren't being paranoid.
I believe in total honesty. Fact is he IS untrustworthy, fact is you WERE/ARE snooping.
I DON'T BLAME you for snooping, I've done it so I can't throw stones.
Honest people have nothing to hide, right? So get his password. Just say: "Mister, you know you're in the doghouse. Being monitored to relieve my anxiety is one of the things you're gonna have to endure. What is your password? What accounts do you have? I want to believe you're not gonna sneak around. I need to SEE IT FOR MYSELF that you're not emailing OW's and future OW's. I'm sorry, I wish it wouldn't have to be this way but I am pretty gun-shy right now and need this. It's not gonna be like this forever, you know."
Maybe he already knows you were snooping, and he was dangling the offer to give you the password hoping you'd confess. He was hoping you'd be honest with him also.
It's time to build your marriage on a foundation of honesty and openness...then the trust can come later.
Thanks for the boot in the butt, just what I needed. This is where I come to vent so if you bear with me, I will continue.
Ya'll know how the snooping starts, it is because we have been the feeling something is being hidden. It was not for any malicious motive. It's self-defense. I am an honest person so this really bothers me. No , I don't want to tell him I had e-mail password because at this point it would do no good at all. That would not be constructive in the rebuilding process. When we talk again I will let him know I want to see his accounts. That will probably be a bone of contention and I doubt he would agree. On one hand I am glad he changed his password because what I have read is etched in my heart. On the other hand, well, you know, it is as if I am looking for affirmation that his "activities" are over because his word is not good enough right now. This is so hard.
I guess I should be grateful he wants to read DB, that he is willing to go counselling and that he says he doesn't want to divorce. I am such a cynic. I guess what I want is a heartfelt apology and complete confession and an instant fix. In reality, this day to day stuff is work and we're both still here willing to work.
Annie, you said to build the marriage on honesty and openess and the trust will come later, pretty profound, girl. I really hope you're right. And those fluffy white clouds, well that thought will bring to mind my friend Tempest who is very wise and supportive. Thanks ya'll.
Tempest