I spent a wonderful afternoon with D18. We went shopping for bird related things as she is raising canaries right now.
It was great to listen to her discuss genetics and other things and go on about how certain cage types are required and food and nests, etc...
We already have them and the cage they are in was adequate but not optimal. So we went looking around for stores that would have the right one.
A few weeks ago we had an argument over something trivial and she had told me that she was upset mostly because I spend time with D14 and buy her things and don't spend time with her. It's stuck in my head and as soon as the chance came up to do some 'shopping' and spend quality time I took it.
D18 and I also talked about moving. I've been resisting it but the reality is that this house costs too much to maintain. It's big and has a pool and in California electricity rates are twice that of other states. Plus, it's been in foreclosure for a while, they just haven't done anything about it yet.
And, the memories of this place are getting to us both.
I realize today that my marriage has been dead a long time. I mean,STBXW has had OM for over a year and there is no end in sight. Yes, she sometimes cries in front of me, or changes her pick up method for D14 to one where she comes to the door instead of waiting in her car.
I'm dark, for my sake. I don't want to lay eyes on her if I can help it. The 'her' I knew is dead.
I won't shirk my responsibilities. I am responsible for our debt. I just want this to be over. I want to be as strong as Jack was. I'm going to spend some time today thinking about how I want the rest of my life to look - with only my two daughters in it.
