In shock...

[Norm914]

Rikki,

I’m new here so I’m no position to offer advice. I sympathize with you on a number of levels.

Like you, I struggle with guilt for not having been a better spouse. I love my W’s family. The holidays are coming and it’s terribly awkward.

And like you, there are days when I feel like throwing in the towel because it looks hopeless.

The fact that his family loves you may work in your favor. He knows divorcing you will disappoint them and most of us don’t like to disappoint family. This may not stop him from filing for divorce but it may slow him down. That will give the both of you time, and time is your friend. That’s what I’m hoping for in my sitch.

Hang in there.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Rikki)))))

Sad Girl is right.... whatever you do has to be done for you. You can't do things based on how you think he will react, or to try to manipulate him.

As far as being sweet and affectionate, those my have been his complaints, but I think things run deeper than that now. Clearly, that's where you do want to end up, but it might not be the most important thing right now.

I think your first priority has to be taking care of yourself. Which will in turn help you take care of the kids. I know that falls into the category of easy to say, hard to do, but it's really important.

You are right that right now he is going to see any changes in you as fake. That's why they have to be real, long term, permanent changes. And the only way to make that kind of change is to make it for you. Since you say it's really "just" going back to what you were before, you know you can get there.

I don't think you need to worry about being mysterious right now. I think you should try to limit contact. Right now, your contact is too likely to get used against you. He's looking for things to justify his decision, and as you just found out, he will find them. Less contact, right now, means less walking on eggshells, and less stress for you. Which might lead to better rest, and more sweetness when you do have contact. Though I wouldn't be trying to show sweetness so much as mature respect. Validate his feelings, avoid relationship talks. Show that you are listening, show that you are responsible. Be confident in yourself.

Once you get to that point, he may start to reconsider things. But it will take time.

[Super Girl]

I don't think you need to worry about being mysterious right now. I think you should try to limit contact. Right now, your contact is too likely to get used against you. He's looking for things to justify his decision, and as you just found out, he will find them. Less contact, right now, means less walking on eggshells, and less stress for you. Which might lead to better rest, and more sweetness when you do have contact. Though I wouldn't be trying to show sweetness so much as mature respect. Validate his feelings, avoid relationship talks. Show that you are listening, show that you are responsible. Be confident in yourself.

That.

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks everyone. He is on the way up here now for the concert. I told him earlier not to come to the concert. I got the kids to lay down for another 2 hours and I did too. When We got up I called to see what time he would be here...he said he wasn't coming that I had screwed up his entire day by telling him not to come and then changing my mind. In the end, he is only coming because our oldest wants him here.

[Super Girl]

If you wanted him to come, why did you tell him not to?

[praying_in_GA]

I was angry. It's not that I want him here for me, I didn't want to take two small kids to a concert alone.

We are in the car on the way now. He has taken off his wedding ring. He said it is too big. I offered to get it sized, he said not to. He is not going to wear it.

It is taking everything in me not to cry right now.

[lea74]

Dont let the ring thing worry you. My H took his off in March before he had even decided to leave and has never put his back on. At first I was angry and upset but actually even with his ring off you are still married. It is just a reaction on his part - it has nothing to do with you. My H told me the other day that actually it was hard for him. Even though we are heading very fast towards a D - something only he wants I still keep my wedding band on. I will take it off when I am ready. You will know when to take it off. Ignore his - focus on you!!

[motherof3]

My H took his ring off a week before he moved out and hasn't worn it since. At first, I too, was very upset and angry with this. To me your wedding ring is a symbol of your marriage and should be worn until the divorce papers are signed. Then I slowly came to the realization that whether my H wears his ring or not is out of my control.

Focus on things that you can control, like taking your kiddos to the concert and enjoy your time with them.

So what if you H is an A$$. Forget about him for the momment and focus on you.

[praying_in_GA]

So, I didn't talk to him again after the concert. I asked my daughter if she wanted to call and tell him goodnight. At first she said no, so we got ready for bed...then she said yes. We tried to call his cell once. He didn't answer so we went on to bed. As we are lying there (both kids are sleeping with me) the phone lights up three times in a row. He finally gave up and called my cell phone. The kids spoke with him briefly and then we hung up. I didn't talk to him except to say the kids were calling him and I didn't tell him I loved him.

This is so hard. He is my best friend, the one I go to with everything. I have spoken to him everyday since I was 19 years old.

After I clean the house today I am going to get started on DR. I still consider myself married and I still wear my ring. In his mind we are over and he is divorced. I am still in love with him and he just loves me because I take care of his kids. I am still praying things will turn around.

[2overcome]

Sad to see you here, but welcome. I know this is painful as we all feel it. My wife had mentioned pawning her rings off yesterday, and it cut me to the bone. Everyone is right though about saying to focus on you. It's easier said than done, that's for sure. It's been a week since my wife dropped the bomb, and it has been a rough week. I have felt like giving up, but I know that I have to hold on to hope and stretch out my faith in the most difficult of situations. I started going back to church, and I am on the path of re-establishing my relationship with God. At first I was praying for a "quick fix" but realized this isn't the answer. I have decided to give my marriage and my wife to God, and that is hard. I pray to God for strength to truly do this. Yesterday in church, the pastor had said something that stuck in my mind - "Our future is better than our past...". Now I know that is God telling me something. I pray to God for wisdom, clarity, patience, and to teach me how to TRULY love as Jesus loved us. And I pray for strength and grace to change into a better person. Each day is a new day, as long as we are alive there is always hope. Yesterday in church, I was sitting in a pew, I had told no one of my situation and this was the first service I attended at this church, a lady sat beside me and told me "That God loves you, he knows that you feel so alone and hurt right now... But he wants you to know that he is here with you..." I just broke down to tears... Just know that even though this is painful, and no matter how alone you feel - you are not alone. God is there for you and we are all here for you. We all share your pain with you. In the bible it talks about the most powerful thing is love. Love endures all things, hopes all things (1 COR 13:7) - we can all take a lesson in that. A lot of times we take for granted the true meaning of love, I am guilty of that. I am asking God to teach me the true meaning of love... Hang in there!