Well, did some good GALing today! Went shopping with a friend and had a few too many glasses of wine with another friend. Watching how both my friends' H's treated their wives like queens, has me shook up,sad and angry. This is one of those times that I want to throw in the towel, to hell with DBing and tell him where to go. I don't deserve this. H gone again tonight, no word. Why am I putting up with this? Why do any of us put with this? What keeps us hanging on when we are treated like s*(^!? Right now, I don't know. I'm getting to the point of wanting to confront the whole situation or just let go. I know I should sleep on it due to the effects of the wine and this is not a good time to make decisions. It's a good thing H is not here now ... it would probably not be pretty. aaargh! I am glad for this safe place to vent. Hopefully I've got it out of my system now....
Well the GAL sounds fun, thats the only trouble when the wine hits the heart to many truths want to come out, but well done for venting here, and you didnt end up sending txt messages you will regret later!
Only thing you can tell yourself when all these thoughts go crashing through your head, is that you are moving on, you know youre not done with him because you love him still, but you are learning to cope hence the feeling of wanting to be done with him!
When I feel like this I keep telling myself well if all else fails at least I know I have done my best!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Well.... I've had a royal screw up. H came home shortly after that last post. Still feeling the effects of the wine... and we got into it. Started as a fight (I know, I know... I broke every DB rule) but H then said he really needed to talk about his big questions of whether we were ever meant to be together, would we be happier apart, maybe that would be make the kids happier etc etc. At first I was arguing my perspective but finally got smart enough to shut up. So, finally just listened. Pretty discouraged. He sounds pretty far down the road in his decision that we should D. I hope I didn't do too much damage. I guess I just get back on track and keep DBing? After a night like this I wonder if it's worth it. It's so hard and I just want to throw in the towel and not continue to feel rejected. Well, I've been up pretty much all night now, hopefully I'll get a bit of sleep.
Pretty discouraged. He sounds pretty far down the road in his decision that we should D.
When my W separated from me nine years ago, she filed for divorce and left the state. She was GONE! We ended up getting back together. No matter how impossible it looks, don't give up!!
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
H then said he really needed to talk about his big questions of whether we were ever meant to be together, would we be happier apart, maybe that would be make the kids happier etc etc. At first I was arguing my perspective but finally got smart enough to shut up. So, finally just listened. Pretty discouraged. He sounds pretty far down the road in his decision that we should D.
Rocked,
As long as he is involved with this OW, all of his feelings, judgment and decision-making are going to be clouded by the adrenaline rush of their illicit relationship. Although I know they sting, you should NOT take too much stock in his WORDS.
It's become trite, but nonetheless VERY TRUE:
"Believe HALF of what they do, and NONE of what they say."
Spouses who are wayward will exert a great deal of effort trying to get you to sit still to listen to their justifications and complaints, as they are CONFUSED and feeling GUILTY. Projecting some of that onto YOU makes him feel better.
In my experience you will hear thousands of times from your WAS that they don't feel you and him/her were "meant to be". This phrase becomes more common when there is another OW/OM. Because right now the WAS feels the high of the new R and to them the new R *does* feel like it's meant to be. And maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Who knows.
People that really understand long term R's *get* that it's not about being "meant to be". Society has made us believe there is one perfect person out there for us all.
You will hear ever justification and cliche known to man (and then some more) and yes, most of it is guilt, projection and the issues the WAS has. Since we cannot control what our WAS, how they behavior or what they believe then we can only work on ourselves as individuals. We can learn and grow. That is the only control we have.
You are reacting just as your WAS predicted. You are fighting with him and showing anger and hostility. You essentially are handing him the fuel he needs to keep walking away because who wants to work on a R that has such constant conflict? Especially when there is another R "on the side" (aka: OW/OM) that is fun and romantic and filled with sex and laughter and no problems. Your reactions are (A) predictable to your WAS and (B) push him right in the arms of the OW/OM.
Drop the rope, go dark, act as if and don't engage in R talks especially after you have been drinking. Let him wonder. Show him by your ACTIONS that you will keep living your life and being the best you possible.
We all crave control of some sort when we are left by our spouses and the *only* control we have is over ourselves. Fighting, begging, pleading, crying, promises or anything else won't do a bit of good.
Thank you for the feedback. I know you are all right. I think I should stay away from the wine...
Getting some perspective this morning, you are right... this doesn't change what I am doing. Somedays I have to wonder if it is worth all of this pain.
Drop the rope. Yes. Our R talk ended with me "agreeing" with H about how another man could definitely treat me better... which I could tell started to irk him. Maybe I need to let my actions make him wonder if I really am coming to that conclusion? Is this kind of situation where I "go dark"? What exactly does that mean?
