Last night I got what I needed. I actually made it happen. I talked to him, a monologue, I was absolutely honest about my feelings, I revisited the past from my point of view. How what he then did affected me THEN, how it all got a new meaning after I found out the truth, how the hurt was enormous and it hit me two times, what I was thinking then, what now etc etc. I was sobbing and crying the whole time.
I was waiting to see what he would do after putting the kids to bed and he made no move to leave. I went to my bedroom and then I felt all these "why's" etc etc building up and for a moment I tried to push it down but then I realised, that's what I wanted to do, ever since I found out, I wanted a face to face monologue, I wanted to talk "emotions" (typical woman), I wanted him to "see" me, so I walked over to him, sat beside him and started talking. And the more I talked the more the tears were coming and I didnt hold back, I just kept talking about dates, incidents and how I was feeling, about all the cruelness, the cake eating, the years he had accepting love and sex and initmacy with another, while I was struggling not to break down, not to let my kids down, grow thru the damn situation, how I consciously loved him and waited for him, how I lately realised it was all a lie, how it felt like he came back because she didnt workout for him etc etc. ANYTHING I ever felt (almost) and thought came out.
I told him how it all seemed so unfair to me, to be left at home, working 10 hours away from home, dealing with our kids, his dad's depression, looking worn out and tired, bitchy and demanding and I was compared to a 35 yr old single woman who spent all her time beautifying, being "ready" at his call to offer to him good times, how unfair it was that he never managed to see thru the lust and the whole new excitement, how his actions made me feel our past and our love were worthless.
I let the wall down. I wasnt tough and cool, I was honest and he tried to shhhh me, and I refused and kept talking and crying, loud and dramatic I guess.
He put his arms around me and held me and listened till I stopped. And then I started asking him things. And he kpet saying it was a mistake, it was a damn mistake. And I told him a mistake is something you do once, or twice, was happened was a choice he kept making, her over our family and me.
He said he was wrong, wrong to believe he didnt love me, wrong to believe she was special. He told me she is a "nice" girl, when I asked, but she is not the one for me. He gave me answers about the pregnancy, who knew, many details that I wanted.
And then I told him she may be "nice" but she costed you your family, me and your A broke my heart. And left to my room. He came in and hugged me and then I cried so hard, the whole apartment was echoing my sobbing and I can believe the kids didnt wake up. I cried and cried and he kept kissing me and squeezing me in his arms and telling me to calm down.
I fell asleep right there in his arms and he didnt move, probably for hours. When I woke up hours lated, his Tshirt was wet and he was still holding me, had fallen asleep with his clothes on on top of the covers (I was underneeth).
This morning I woke up first, and went with my D and bought him flowers and sweets and made breakfast. She was very excited and wanted to write him a card and all. I never got him a present.
He kept coming close to me and hugging me and kissing me. We ate breakfast and he said it was great, watched a movie with the kids and then he asked me if I would go help him buy treats for work. We did go and when he left he called to tell me he wanted to keep the little flower pot we bought him and I should not throw it away even if the flowers die.
I feel so much better today. Tired and exhausted but so much better. I think I shook him, I didnt plan it, but it happened. It felt like the wall between us came down, or at least a big part of it. I dont know what is going to happen afterwards, I dont care. K
At some point I told him if he were to disappear today, I would live my life fine without him. That he taught me how to do that. He said "then, you dont love me, I taught you how to stop loving me". I didnt reply.
He also mentioned W for the first time. He said last year I wasnt 100% honest either. I reminded him he agreed to D right before I left for the trip and later when he said he wnated back I had told him there was someone else and he said he is sure I didnt meet this person last autumn, he couldnt believe I "met" him in NY, I didnt try to defend myself, I feel I have nothing to defend myself about. But the fact that he mentioned it, felt like he was letting his wall down too.
