Old "newbie" needs help FAST!!! Please respond!!

[ginab1966]

Hi Danny & LFH:

Well, this is what's going on.....

Since Retrou more than a month)and my husband telling me that the marriage is over hold no hope, things were strangely better. I stopped working on my marriage and jsut worked on me and no R talk happened and we were physically and emotionally in a better place than we'd been in a long time. NOT anywhere near a healthy, moderately happy marriage but better than before.

Then out of nowwhere, on Wednesday, he says out of the blue, during a mundane convo, "I am in the house because I can’t afford to move and I still wants a D”. My response was “and why do you want the D?” He said “Cuz Im not happy”. My response was “Have you considered the fact that the marriage isn’t whats making you unhappy but, perhaps, internal issues such as ADHD/depression are making you unhappy”. He said “Yes, I have considered that”. I asked what the next steps where and he said that he didn’t have any plan to leave due to finances and he felt that it was best for all of us if he stayed to help financially until all debts were paid off and he could leave when he was financially ready. I said nothing more, went upstairs, he came upstairs, climbed into bed and pleasantly chatted with me until he went to sleep.

How do I deal with this? I cannot move out of the bedroom. My 4 year old was so freaked out that we were sleeping in different bedrooms that it was painful for both of us to watch her so sad and unhappy. We live in the same house, eat meals together, do things together…but, ultimately, he’s just waiting to divorce me. I mean, how to I mentally deal with that. All this time I have working hard on me, my issues, my part in the breakdown of everything, therapy, getting my own life, interests and detaching. Where do I go from here? I mean, if you want to leave me…LEAVE. Don’t stay and stay and once I work my *ss off to get our debts paid off, THEN you’ll leave? I have a 2 year plan for the debt repayment and I am the one with full responsibility for that. He simply can’t handle the finances. Heck, this past week he didn't even give me the full part of his budget deposit so I was left to find the other $100 that needed to go to mortgage payment. He said he overspent and doesn’t have it…which I can’t prove because I have no access to any of his accounts. UGH…advice please…just a little lost and frankly very sad today. Trying to stay positive but it’s getting hard. I'm finding it sooo difficult to set boundries with a man that is so very much in my life, in my home and emeshed in our finances. I really do appreciate that he feels the sense of responsibility to us financially and, for him, that a BIG deal. I also feel that I need him to understand that he can't just "use" me to get to a better financial place and then leave. That's very, very wrong. The issue is though, that i will be financially broken if he does leave. All debt is in my name and if he walks away, my credit and everything I've work for will be lost. This is just so hard and I love him so much.

The hope that he will get the help he really needs is just a dream of mine and I am almost certain that he won't. As far as our daughter goes, I'm really trying to do the best I can for her not to feel any of this but I know she is. She is 4 but I know that even though we are amicable, we aren't modeling a loving, healthy relationship for her.

I posted this also on the Piecing thread to get others opinions and someone said that "time was on my side". I can show him how wonderful I am and stuff. I agree to a certain extent.

This is just sooooo hard. There are times when my strength is unwaivering and then something like this happens and I'm just slain. Because the bottom line is that I feel, as a parent, my childs happiness comes before mine. I know that I'm probably going to get blasted for that comment but that's how I see it. She didn't ask for ANY of this. SHE will be the one who ultimately pays. When I WAW in May it took me a month to see what I was doing to her and came back ready to do whatever it took. But I'm lightyears away in emotional work than he is. Also, with his mental issues, it's really hard for him to see past himself which you have to do if you are a parent.

So, I've been licking my wounds for a few days but I'm feeling a bit stronger to go back into the battle. I went out with the girls last night and I'm going to my CoDA meeting tonight and Saturday we'll take the girl out for Halloween. Hopefully, all that will sort of take the "sting" out of this week and set me up for the rest of the fight.

I did go in and change some of our finances around so that I'm protecting our money and he will have access to nothing that isn't his. I want to set a boundry for him that 740, every two weeks HAS to be direct deposited from his paycheck into our account for mortgage. No questions...it has to be assured to be there. This way he can't overspend and then short change the household fund. Also, we will not bale his personal account out with household funds....not ever again. If you don't want me to be like your mother, you need to start acting like a responsible adult. I know that's going to be a VERY charged, hard conversation though so I'm very scared to have it and I'm pissed at myself for being so scared to have it. This is the stuff that I need to work on BIG TIME.

Thanks for listening ...both of you...and being concerned and caring. I really, really appreciate it.

Gina B

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Gina,

From what you wrote, it seems like your husband needs some tough love Robx and Gucci style. I suggest you contact these two guys...they have great tough love advice...very counterintuitive.

Hang in there.

-LFH

[ginab1966]

Hi:

Where do I find these tough love guru's. I have been reading a book by a Christian author Dr. Dobson and it's called "Love Must Be Tough" but so much of it has to do with infidelity. It has you writing a letter to the spouse that says that they can leave and wish them well. It releases them from the "cage" they think they are in but also says that you won't live like this. I'm not in THAT situation though so I'm not sure if that's the tact to take. Maybe this Gucci and Robx would be able to weigh in.

Do they post here? Where do i find them?

Thanks so much for the advice and point in the right direction!!

Gina B

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Gina,

Your welcome. Yes, both Robx and Gucci post on this board. Simply do a search using their board names.

Thanks,

LFH

[K4D]

gucci and robx do post on this site. gucci just posted to me last night. See if you can find a thread where they post regularly and step in and ask for their help to look at your thread. Then apologize to the person who's thread you temporarily hijacked. Don't worry, it happens all the time.

Kevin

[d1adsl5a]

Gina:

You and I are almost in the same position. We keep getting sucked back in and the pain starts all over again.

Rule #1: no sex with him. I don't have that with my wife. I can only imagine how this can mess with your mind. Don't lose your sense of self gina. It is the one thing you have. You and I have put that on the shelf too long. We are making it back, don't let it go...

Rule#2: You have to be healthy. You are the one running the household. If you go down, then your daughter gets even lost further. If you need to move out of the bedroom, do it. You can make up any excuse for a 4 year old--daddy snores, whatever..

Rule #3: Continue to focus on detaching. My wife and I are back in marriage counseling. Her choice. I am working so hard on not having my head go back to "hoping". I have to just see it as us learning to communicate again.

Rule #4: Don't be the victim. Don't let him drive this thing Gina with I am staying because I can't afford to move out. You and I both don't want our marriages to end. But we need to continue to move forward for our sanity. If that is seeing a lawyer, getting a few names for a mediator. This will let them know you aren't going to pushed around. Doesn't mean you are going through with anything yet. Just letting him know, you aren't going to live like this forever.

I have to go pick up the kids, the wife is "out" again this evening. will talk more over the weekend.

[d1adsl5a]

how are you?

[ginab1966]

Hey Danny:

I'm doing ok? How are you doing? Are you both still going to counseling. Ya know, that really suprised me when you said she wanted to go. I know that you don't want to get sucked into the encouraged trap again but it's a good sign. Hope everything is still moving along in that direction.

Things here are still status quo. I am doing the best I can to keep my spirits up and do my own thing. I've been trying hard to detach and just find my own way. It's really hard because so much of me is still so in love with him. But, the
fact is that he isn't in love with me and wants to end our marriage. Right now, that's where he's at and I have to try and respect that instead of telling him he's nuts for feeling that way and not giving his feelings validity. I may want what I want but he wants something different and that's ok. I mean, its NOT but I just have to try and let go.

I'm going to therapy, working out, taking care of my daughter, etc. H is being friendly and cheerful and I'm doing the same. The house feels lighter now that I'm not actively engaged in saving the marriage. I'm trying to save myself first and if the marriage comes with it...great. But I have to stop taking the rollercoaster ride. It was making me insane and that's not good for anyone and I need to be there for my daughter. So, right now the focus is on Thanksgiving and cooking for lots of people and a house filled with good smells, good company and my loving family.

I hope the boys are doing ok and got lots of halloween loot. I hope you are doing well too and trying to just stay "up" and not let the mess you're in get to you too much. Just keep on keeping on.

Thanks so much for checkin in on me. It means sooo much.

Oh, yeah, I changed my picture on FB and it's a really great picture of me and I'm getting allll these compliments and my H is seeing it and that makes me feel really good somehow. Silly, I know..but it makes me feel good..I've worked hard and it's sooo paying off.

Big hugs to you {{{Danny}}}

Let me know how you're doing and how goes the battle!!

Gina B

Gina B

[d1adsl5a]

Funny you ended with how goes the battle...

Last tuesday, I was doing homework with my son, she wants to play rockband with the other two. I noticed she was drunk. Told her to stop playing with the other two, because it was time for the kids to go to bed, and I still needed to study with our other son. She was trying to catch up with them on play time because she was out the last four nights in a row either working or out with friends. So I tried to walk away, she calls me some fulgarities...I stand up to her and tell her she is drunk and this stops tonight. She gets even madder and slaps me in the face. First time in the 19 years we have been together...

I just walk away and try to calm the kids down. Next morning she says that she can't file for divorce. She can't bear to put the kids through any more pain. She says I will have to be the one to do it or we will just have to live this way. Another cowardly act..She starts this whole mess then tells me I have to finish it..

I poured out 5 bottles of wine that she bought in the last week and told her no more drinking in the house. We will see how long that lasts...

We have been congenial to each other the last few days. She has been going out of her way trying to be nice to me. I still just act indifferent to her. I can't give anymore than that.

The weekend has been good. My son's football team won their first playoff game and will be going to the superbowl football game for the area.

Suprisingly, I am still ok through this. Being level headed about the whole thing.

Glad to hear you have been in a good mood lately and your facebook picture is getting great reviews. Nothing wrong in a little shameless self promotion..How has your husband been returning your demeanor? Nice, still saying he wants a divorce?

Hope the weekend is good for you.

take care.

Hope the