I have been here on and off most of the day, and just closed laptop when H came in. Imagine that, home early on a friday night. Because of that I didn't see your post till just now.
It's hard living with H while he is with ow and D in progress. I still direct my anger at my dogs and not at him where I should. My dogs follow close behind me wherever I go, and sometimes I get really irritated at them. I stomp my foot and yell at them when I'm really wanting to do that to H. What's the worst that could happen, D me? lol
Sure, he's home early on a friday night, but he went to bed. His cell rang while I was writing the above paragraph. My heart stopped for a moment. It's awful! It might not have been her, but then it might have been. He's physically here, but not mentally here. So, I don't know what's worse H home, or H living elsewhere.
Remember, if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything. There is a light at the end of OUR tunnel. And it could be our H holding that light, or the new Mr. Wonderful that has been chosen for us. As I always tell others, GOD must have something really awesome in store for us having had to go through this storm.
I am happy you were still on tonight to see where my "detachment" got me...
I am better, I had Puppy once again guiding me and I feel 100% calmer then when I posted my vent...
I will say since I have had both H at home as well as gone, I prefer gone right now...
I don't know where I would be if I had to continue to see him chatting with that fat troll day in and day out right in my face like he was doing before...
I may have hurt him eventually or at least smacked that smug look I always saw when he was talking to her off his face...
I am sorry yours is still doing that though, it is a very tough thing to live through...
Makes you want to take his phone and flush it (don't go getting any ideas LOL)!
Originally Posted By: mlj
Remember, if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything. There is a light at the end of OUR tunnel. And it could be our H holding that light, or the new Mr. Wonderful that has been chosen for us. As I always tell others, GOD must have something really awesome in store for us having had to go through this storm.
This is something I need to keep telling myself...You are correct with this assessment my friend...Keep your head held high and don't lose faith
God will get us through this storm ~ That I am sure of!
(((hugs)))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
There was still a part of me that was unsure of my choice,(because I always second and third and forth guess any choice I make) and as I sat next to my little one as he was falling asleep, I was just talking to God...
Asking for nothing but basically just talking about the day and the doubt still nagging me...
Why can't I let the doubt go?
Why can't I just "be"?
I laid my head back on the pillow listening to some music, hoping for something from God to help ease the doubt...
The next song on the radio?
"Faith" by George Michael -
I sat up and just laughed, said to myself "You have got to be kidding me"...
Yes my beliefs have been tested, all of ours have however you hold onto your beliefs...
Don't let ANYONE get in there and change that...
Yes you will doubt, you will fear and you will worry but if you take the moment to just "be" you will have your answer.
And for the record, I am in it for the long haul ~ No matter what
Serenity, We don't know the road map, but God does. He just doesn't fill us in. (I think partly that might be because it is such a long and hard road that he doesn't want us to be discouraged.) The more I get out of the way and let God conduct this orchestra, the sweeter the music gets.
And bless your little boy's heart. What a sweet prayer for his Daddy.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Not who I expected and I can feel your disappointment
I am not proud of myself at all that even 7 months later I reverted back to something I thought I was done with.
Why?
Serenity, Don't fight this feeling, use it. You aren't proud. Simmer in it. Write it down, focus on it, but set a timer. Then get up and throw that paper away or burn it.
Now focus on the feeling when you are proud of yourself. Write it out. Feel it. Gain strength from yourself.
Now go do something to celebrate - because this will be that last time you do this.
Feel it. Believe it. Own it.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I thank you for your kind words and counsel as always...Your strength amazes me and I can only hope to become 1/2 as strong as you in the days to come.
Journaling: I took the day off today and spent most of it either with my little one or in self-reflection mode...
I was going to go out tonight and put back a few however that hasn't worked in the past and the last thing I need right now is to add alcoholism to my list of crap so I decided against that...
I had to dig deep today to see where my self-reflection would take me...
I had to force myself to look at my arm and the damage I caused, yes I blamed my anger on H however ultimately it is my fault and a bad choice on my part...
I stood in the shower this afternoon and let thoughts drift to my H and I and how low we have become in our relationship...
Guess what happened next? No tears, no anxiety, no sick cold feeling in the pit of my stomach...
All I found was peace...
A perfect peace settled over my entire body, I couldn't put into words how peaceful it was however it was calming and warm and full of light and nothing but love and I knew at that moment everything would be just fine if I could just step out of God's way and let Him take care of it...
When I go to the alter tomorrow, I plan on finally leaving it all there and not picking up any of it again...
I say the plan because I have such a hard time leaving it all alone, I am impatient I admit and when I don't see results, I like to just take over and do it myself...
Like my new sig says, it has nothing to do with me, I think after all these months, I finally get that
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Hi, Serenity. Tough couple of days for you while I was on retreat, I see (didn't my prayers for you work?) I saw you mention this
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
Why can't I just "be"?
Which reminded me of one of my favorite Psalms - 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." I use it often but always spend hours on it on retreat each year. Because it is not just a Psalm, it is like many Psalms in one. And you can practice it like a process, a journey in individual steps.
Be still and know that I am God
Be Just be. This is hard. Don't do. Don't try to make this moment, this time happen. Let it happen. Be. We don't usually allow ourselves to be. We spend all our time in do mode.So, after you reach do Bewhat?
Be still Even harder. Takes even longer. Stop the mind chatter. Breathe. Thoughts come in, acknowledge them, don't judge them. nudge them. Away. When I get to that point the next step, the obvious question arises by itself:
Be still and...? The simple answer comes:
Be still and know Eventually, what you, what your heart needs to know right now in your life will come to you. And after that, "Be still and know what?
Be still and know that I am God. Yes.
For me, it is almost zen-like. It is a journey with the answer you need every step of the way. And it takes a long time, more like meditation than prayer. But in the end comes the grace of knowing what you needed to know at that moment.
Peace to you.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
