Newbie.....dealing with a MLC'er....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

IF she is MLC.

You cannot stop her...if you could that means you could control her, and guess who the only person you can control is?

You can be there when she hits bottom or comes out of it, thats about it.

[kjensen]

Hey Drew,
How are you doing? Just checking in.

[drewnole]

Hey KJ,

My son and I are doing well. Thank you for asking. Hope all is well on your end.

My son and I are getting ready to go to the zoo. It is unusually warm today. We are definitely going to take advantage of the weather.

As for my MLC'er, it has been 5 weeks since we have seen her. Last time we saw her was the week she quit her job.

The odd thing is she did call me on Sweetest Day night. I found that extremely odd since she never calls. We only communicate via text. I didn't answer so she left a voice mail.

As for my mother, we did talk about detaching. I believe that this will be a constant battle with her. She has a very difficult time grasping this. At this point, I am trying to avoid having any conservations with her about this anymore. These conversations are affecting me mentally.

My mothers motive is that she does not want me reconcile if the opportunity presents itself. She has made that very obvious.

I have made it known to her that it will be my decision to make.

[kjensen]

Sounds like a fun day! I think alot of us, me included, have a hard time understanding what detached love means and looks like.

I have made it known to her that it will be my decision to make.

Absolutely!

[Grace_O]

Dnjoy the zoo! I grew up going to the San Diego zoo alot (back when kids under 15 were free) <sigh>

You Mom dosen't want to see you hurt anymore. It's difficult to to let go of telling your kids "what's best".

I think your decision to not discuss it with her is a good one. You'll know if that changes.

That you have been clear with her regarding your decision is great. Sometimes that's the best we can do in any given moment.

I hope you have an amazing day.

HUGS

[drewnole]

I received a call from my L this morning telling me that the process server has been unable to locate my WAS. He was told that she moved out last week.

So, she has managed to avoid the county sheriff. Now, she has avoided the special server.

From what I understand, the only option left is to publish the notice in the local paper.

Anyways,as long as my son is happy, I am happy. The past couple of weeks have been wonderful at home.

It is just sad to know that she has given up her family, job, and friends.

She is just lost.....

[drewnole]

Advise needed....

My MLC'er has been "missing" for nearly 8 weeks. Well, today she decided to reappear.

The question I have is how do I respond now that she has come out of hiding?

From reading other threads, this dissapearing act seems to be very common. So, how do I approach this situation especially since she has not come by to visit our son during those 8 weeks?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey Drew.

That's a pretty tough question.

Her reappearing has more than likely thrown you for a loop, but what has changed?

Did she see your son? Did she call? Did she drop by? Did she offer up where she has been?

There is the standard reaction, "Where the hell have you been?"

And then there is the Act as if nothing happened reaction, and I only put that out there,...well for several reasons.

I think it might be in your best interest. She is likely expecting you to go apeshit on her. But what if you didn't? What if you 'showed' her that her actions had little affect on you?

I don't think many people here could do that, I'm not sure I could have done that...not at first, heck maybe not even later. That doesn't mean I don't think it worth trying however.

I think this would throw her for a loop, it would be unexpected.

Hey now that she is back is the Sherrif going to serve her the papers?

[Mach1]

Hey Drew,


The thing is, and what you CAN see here is.....

It IS about how you handle it, and how you respond to it.

Think about the time you had with your son and how much fun you both had during that time instead of that she was MIA.

Use that thought when you respond, and interact with her, like it was better when she wasn't there, and odds are.....they were.




Your Family ?

Just ask for support with your decisions, and ask them to trust you, and the path that you are walking.

Anyone who doesn't understand probably hasn't ever had to fight for something.

Peace to you bro....


What is lost is never as valuable as what has been gained....

[Was2sad]

Drew

You wondered if she was alive.
Hey, she is.

Was she in a coma? Was she on a bender? Was she hiding from law?

Uhmm ... interesting ... but what would change for you by knowing? You can't "want" her into behaving like a mother and until she proves herself of her own free will don't assume the best.

Jack is right, can you see yourself Acting As If she had not been gone, but just had nothing to say and did not visit? How would you interact with anyone else who you had been out of touch with, but was just seen in the area?

In a weird way, you could demonstrate some level of trust. You could trust her to let you know what you need to know. I don't think that in itself is Anti-DB. The patience this requires may be taxing. Nothing about that part is new to this forum.

The focus does not change. We are glad to see you doing so well with your son and your day to day life. Keep that up!