It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

And of course, just as I've made this decision, I get a job offer. One that's time-sensitive. It figures.

So, be homeless but have a job in the same town w/ my W and kids. Or go live w/ my parents (w/ all of the typical problems that entails).

I got a job offer right before leaving for the separation, too. A good one. I didn't take it, so that we could separate to save our M.

And now I see the flaw in all that... separate to save our M? That is dumbest thing I've ever done.

It seems like whatever choices are presented I pick the dumbest one possible.

The reasons haven't changed for going to my parents.

My impulse was to call my W and ask her but she convinced me that taking the job before the separation was a bad idea.

And time is ticking away.

[TooLateForMe]

So I text W, not knowing what to do. She calls and I learn that she and DDs are on the verge of being kicked out of the apt. And the power/gas was shut off today.

Granted, I helped create the debt that led to this. But she had the resources to pay this stuff in the mean time. The debt would have remained but she screwed up, went out on the weekends, spent lots of money on Halloween costumes, new clothes, etc for her new life w/out me.

I know she feels I'm the one who created this but she still mismanaged money while I was gone. She already stretched the resources she has to the maximum. The best she can get is money from the Catholic charities, if there is any available.

And, I care! About her, about the girls, all of it! And I can barely help myself! I'm supposed to do something. I can't and the solutions that are available (going w/ me to parents as a family, pawning MY stuff to pay rent and staying there) won't work because she's done w/ the M.

I own what I did and how I helped create this, but I don't know if there's a solution that I can help with.

I just can't help thinking... if only she was willing to work on things. Well, she's not. I guess that's all there is to it.

Fix me, help where and when I can.

[ginab1966]

Ok...if some people want to stone me for this post, go ahead but these are my thoughts, for what it's worth.

Yes, your W was extrememly irresponsbile to go buy new clothes, costumes, etc when there were bills that had to be paid. Not smart on her part. You have no job currently and helped build the debt that has you both broke in the first place. To me, absolutely NONE of that matters. Who did what and how you got there means NOTHING. What does matter is that there are children (not sure how old they are and it doesn't matter) that are in a house with no gas and no power.

IF this were me....and it was my child who was in a house with no gas or power and about to be evicted, I wouldn't care if I had to pawn everything I owned and sleep under a tree in the freezing rain...I would do it. Children should NEVER be the ones to suffer for their parents irresponsibilties.

It almost seems to me like your choices that you've thought of only are ones that end up with you as a family in the end. It shouldn't matter if the only result in this is that you NEVER end up together.....your childrens safety and protection should be what comes first. I know you say that you have no money. Well, how were you going to get to your parents house? However that money was going to get to you, can you use it to turn on the utilities? Do you have anything to pawn? Can just the kids come with you for awhile? I know none of this is easy and your head is spinning and I do believe you when you say you want to help but helping your childre isn't something you "do when you can". You just do it..always and forever. Even if it's calling every charitable organization possible. Also, in my state they cant shut off utilities if there are children in the home. It's not safe and the will work with you.

You can do this...you can help them and yourself at the same time. You will because you have to. I believe you and in you. No one can write the words you do and not be a decent human being. You are strong....you are still alive...you have it within you to help in some way..any way.

I will say prayers for you and DD's. Keep the faith.

Peace,

Gina B

[TrentC]

Gina B is right: at this point, your kids need someone who will crawl through hell to take care of them and be there for them 100%, and it's pretty clear that your wife isn't going to do it. This is going to be hard, especially with what you are dealing with internally. But I think your kids are worth it, and down the road they will remember you for what you do right now.

You might want to start thinking of yourself as a single father, and work your way up from there. Consider your wife effectively dead, as far as visitation and financial support goes.

(Look at it this way; this incident will probably go a long way towards ensuring that the eventual custody battle ends up in your favor.)

Gina is also right in that you should tap every charitable organization and government service you can -- they exist to help people like you.

This is an extremely hard time to raise a family right now, and there should be no shame in taking assistance when it is offered; you can always pay it forward once you get back on your feet.

[TooLateForMe]

Well. Update. Gas/power is on. I have no control over money issues in that situation. It's all on her. She chose that, and still insists that. Rent is still an issue.

If I can help I will. End of story. I don't want to paint her as crazy, either (maybe a little bit, lately). She kept everything together financially throughout our M. She's been a hero. I would love to save the day. Not to save the M, but because that's what I have to do--M or no M.

She can pawn my TV and computer. She probably won't just because they're mine. For her, the biggest problem in the R was me being a financial drain rather than the capable man I should have been. That's who I am to her right now, so she doesn't want or expect me to help. I don't blame her. I would love to swoop in and help and save the day. I can't do that in the next five days.

She knows that and I know that and my family knows that. There are resources she can hopefully take advantage of for now and we spoke about that. I'll take the girls if she'll let me but she didn't like that idea much.

The biggest problem for me is that she expects no help from me, ever. If I could do anything, that would be a big help toward whatever little hope I have of saving the M. But that's not something I expect or even want at this point.

We'll figure it out. My passion is movies, so I have DVDs I'll sell. That should be a couple hundred. Even if she can't cover the rest, it will help out.

[TooLateForMe]

Gina B is right: at this point, your kids need someone who will crawl through hell to take care of them and be there for them 100%, and it's pretty clear that your wife isn't going to do it.

She's always been the financial rock. Lately things have been tough. I'm not excusing her spending. She took the WAW thing a little far financially. She bit off more than she could chew by ending the R and diving into her fun, new life w/out me. Too much, too soon. I may not have contributed financially, but I did a lot that she now has to do. She spread herself thin and w/out me picking up kids, cooking, laundry, etc.

You might want to start thinking of yourself as a single father, and work your way up from there.

(Look at it this way; this incident will probably go a long way towards ensuring that the eventual custody battle ends up in your favor.)

I'm not the biological father. I came in when the oldest D was 4, youngest 1. Even though I'm dad, I have no rights at all. During the first D, I made an offhand comment about how she had no right to ask for child support. To her, this now means I WON'T provide any at all. This, despite my telling her now that she should expect and demand I give what I can when I can.

Gina is also right in that you should tap every charitable organization and government service you can -- they exist to help people like you.

I wasn't always a total loser, but we let things get too tight.

I tried to get a job, but didn't settle for the low-end crap jobs I was "overqualified" for. She let me think that was okay for a long time but when she finally got sick of it I reacted like a jerk and... well it only got worse from there.

There's a place in Boulder called Echo House. It's a temporary place for families. Hopefully, it doesn't get to that point, but there are options we've talked about.

[sandi2]

Unbelievable!!!

[TooLateForMe]

On the way to my parents I stopped by W's apt. Had a good day w/ her and the girls. The day ended w/ us all looking through family photos. I realized what a jerk I've been for not being in more pictures. I mentioned that I regretted my vasectomy and wished we could have had a baby together (DDs are not biologically mine). It was clear that my absence has had a negative effect on the dynamic between W and DDs. She's never been a strong disciplinarian and tends to yell and argue w/ the girls.

She told me a friend was going to help w/ the rest of the rent.

My mom said she would help and when I mentioned this to my W, she agreed that would be a good idea. Then mentioned she was going to a concert, one I would love to go to WITH HER. She was bright and cheery and didn't mention anything about the financial sitch. I expected some info as yesterday was the day the landlord would be putting up the eviction notice. No word about any of that.

I figure she has it all worked out and she's going to the show w/ some guy I don't even know. A guy who's willing to shell out three-hundred bucks to some woman he hasn't seen in years and lives a couple thousand miles away (he's some old friend--she's found a lot of them of late).

It's all fine and my mom is avoiding telling my dad about giving money to W. Slight drama and if W is okay then she doesn't need the money from my mom, right?

All hell breaks loose when I tell W this.

Lesson: NEVER GO BACK ON ANYTHING YOU SAY TO WAW!!

I smooth it out, but lesson learned.

Also, W doesn't trust me re money and support. If I have ANY chance, it's via the money/responsibility rebuilding. And I have to be proactive.

[TooLateForMe]

RE: the vasectomy comment. She agreed with me and said she wished we had had a child together, too.

[bluerain]

Hi Mark,
So wait, shes going to a concert, and still letting your mother halp her pay rent?! Thats ridiculous! And all of this while you are contemplating being homeless?! I assume that shes not paying for the concert tickets?

Have you talked to the doc about having your vasectomy reversed? Its not always an option, but it can be done. If you reconcile with your W, or meet someone else, it might be something that you could look into.

Did you take the job offer, or decide to go to school? You may have already answered, so Im sorry if you have to repeat yourself, but I thought that I looked and couldnt find your answer.