In shock...

[praying_in_GA]

He is not still here. He is living with is sister about 40 min away from here. He comes to stay at the house three nights a week when I go to work. I am an RN and work three 7p-7a shifts a week. I will see him three days a week for about 15 min tops. He has decided to stay away from us the other four days so he can 'get used to it.' Obviously his decision, not mine!

[motherof3]

Rikki,

Sorry I just reread your stich. Looks like H moved to your sisters.

S13 is right. Be sure to give H his space. This is very important. No matter how much you would like to discuss your relationship with him, do not do it.

Read DB, it will explain more of this concept to you.

Hang in there and be sure to take care of you.

[praying_in_GA]

Yes, this is something I need to work on. (The space thing, not the discussion thing) Our conversation tonight came up in a round about thing. I am trying to be friendly with him. He is joking around with me when we talk. He said he wants to work on our friendship. He said if we were not married he would want to 'just be friends'.

(I think I already said that didn't I?)

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, so I was angry this morning. The kids woke me up at 6:30. We have a concert to take them to at 1:30 this afternoon. I am not sleeping well between two little ones and I have a strained muscle in my neck because of it. I was pissed that he gets to sleep in and do what he wants while I take care of the kids. I called and woke him up. Damn me. He said it was good to hear the old Rikki back (angry) and that the sweetness I have been trying to show the last two weeks has all been fake. He said I had chances to turn this around and choose not to. The reason he fell in love with me in the first place was because I was sweet and showed him attention/affection. If I start doing that he said he will see it as fake and not believe it.

I am not getting enough sleep. In fact, three days a week I only sleep 2 hours in a 24 hour period because of work. I am constantly cleaning or cooking. He gets to sleep when he wants, go do what he wants, and not have to run behind two kids all the time.

I feel so hopeless right now. I have read several responses to people on here. How is this supposed to work for me when his complaints are not as much affection/sweetness? How is moving on and cutting as much contact going to 'get him back'? He told me to start dating other people, why would he care if I am being secretive about my plans? It would probably make him happy to think I am letting him go.

[brownidmom]

Hi, Rikki. Like everyone else said, sorry you are here but it is a good place to be for support.

I completely get the lack of sleep thing and feeling angry. Do you have any family members or friends that you can to sit with the kids for 4 or 5 hours on the days that you just worked the night before? Can you put them in daycare a couple of days a week so you can sleep and run errands? Or, do you have the income to be able to pay someone to clean your house once a week?

AND tell your H that you need some time for yourself. Schedule one day a week where he spends time with the kids so you can get your hair done, see a movie, go to dinner with friends, anything to get you out of the house.

You need your rest and you need some time alone. I am guilty of taking on more than my share and it always ends up backfiring. All I do is end up getting angry about it and picking a fight with my H. Don't try to take on everything yourself. Your family is not just *your* responsibility, it is his too, even if he no longer wants to be with you.

Sit down and figure out some doable changes you can make. If money is an issue and you choose not to ask him to be the one who takes the kids, ask him for money for a sitter or someone to clean your house so you have more time to meet your needs. You don't have to explain it like that, I'm sure you can find an acceptable way of stating the obvious. JUST BE NICE when you do it. No accusations, no challenges.

From someone who hasn't been following my own advice, it will get harder if you don't make the changes now.

BIM

[Super Girl]

I'm no expert, but I do know that you have to do this for you. You are spending waaaay too much time worrying about what he thinks and does. Yes, I do it too, but I am getting better. You have got to act as if you don't care. How can he miss you if you're always there?

[praying_in_GA]

Question: What do I do with all of the wedding and vacation pictures around the house? Leave them? He is here three days a week so he will see them.

Also, we have a birthday party coming up on his side of the family...not to mention Thanksgiving and Christmas. His family has insisted I still attend all family functions. They are NOT happy about this and still consider me their daughter/sister. Do I still go?

[Super Girl]

I just ignore the photos. Right now, I am still M. I will worry about picutres and belongings in the future. It's just stuff.

Yes, if his family has invited you, you should go. If he has a problem with it, he can stay away. They are still your family too.

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks Sad Girl. I am so torn up over losing his family. They are so close to me. I love them as much as I love my own family.

[Super Girl]

I don't see why you have to lose his family? Your relationship with them has nothing to do with him.