Two weeks ago my husband told me he was not in love with me. He loved me as the mother of his children, but he had no other feelings for me. He wanted to leave and think about things. He moved to his sisters house. We have been together for 10 years, married for 5 years. We have two children ages 2 years and almost 4 years.
We just had a conversation tonight. He said he has woken up everyday for the last few years thinking "I'm not happy, I don't want to be in this life anymore but this is what I have to do." He said it may have been the last 10 years. He said he fell in love with me because I was sweet and gave him attention but that might have been because I was his first girlfriend. He has completely shut down any thoughts and feelings that we could be together again one day. He said "We both know how this is going to end." He is ready for a divorce but has not filed yet because I asked him not to.
A little background. We met freshman year of college. I had a boyfriend of 3 years at that time. We got to know each other and spent time together between classes. He tried for a year and a half to get me to leave my boyfriend. After a bad car accident where I sustained a broken hip we finally ended up together. A few weeks later he broke it off. A month or so after that we got back together and have been together ever sense then. There was a lot of hurt on his side for the year and a half he tried to get me to leave my boyfriend. I was his first girlfriend. He didn't date in high school.
He said he never really got over that hurt but stuck it out with me because that is what I wanted. He said he married me because that is what I wanted. We had kids because that is what I wanted. He even said he was sleeping with me because that is what I wanted. He said he hasn't done anything he wanted relationship wise since the beginning. He said he will not try to make it work because that is what I want, not him. He has set his mind to this being over and he will not change it. He still wears his wedding band, but made a comment today that he gives me 'permission' to go date other people. He himself is not dating...yet.
I have prayed multiple times a day since this began. I have not been the best wife. I was a horrible wife. I take full responsibility for that. I have quickly learned what I did wrong and have already made great strides in changing it. I have a quick temper and I tend to take it out on him. I am starting counseling next week to work on that. I KNOW I can be the wife he deserves. I thought that if I could become a better person and make the changes he has mentioned he would come back and try to love me again. He said that is good I am figuring myself out...it would make my next relationship better.
After tonight's talk I feel very hopeless. He has felt this way for our whole marriage. My marriage was a lie. He has been acting this whole time. He just wants me to say it is okay to let it all go. I told him I will not sign any papers until he goes to counseling with me. He said it is ingrained in his mind the person I have been our whole marriage and he does not see getting those original feelings back. He said it is basically impossible and he wishes I could see it so he could move on.
He said if there wasn't a marriage and kids involved he would want to just be friends. He is worried about losing my friendship after the divorce is final. He wants us to start being 'just friends' now.
I have bought Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting. I am about to start reading DR tonight. I am not giving up on this. I am deeply in love with him. I want nothing more than to be with him until 'death do us part'. He has no interest in being with me anymore. He wants to co-parent and be done with the romantic side.
Please help me. I am trying so hard to hold it together.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
The more I sit here thinking about this, the more I think it is best to just let him go. His heart hasn't been in this from the beginning and he isn't interested in changing things. Why try to force something that obviously isn't there.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Well, welcome to the best place you never wanted to be! You will find good people here, and a lot of encouragement, no matter what direction your situation goes.
I think the fact that you are here says you aren't quite ready to give up. You don't have to decide anything right now.
Start by just getting your feet under yourself. Keep breathing.
You aren't going to be trying to force anything, you'll see that as you read DR. What you are going to do is take care of yourself, and make sure that you are the best Rikki you can be for yourself, and for your kids.
For now, try not to get caught up in talks about your relationship, or your future together.
Should I just try to move my mind to the 'friends' thing while still working on DR?
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Try to move your mind to taking care of you. And the kids, of course. Try to allow yourself to be in control of your own emotions, rather than letting his actions determine how you feel. Try not to be concerned with making him happy. Right not you can't, and you can only drive yourself crazy trying. If you pursue, he will pull away harder.
You are in for a long ride, one way or the other. But you can come out of it stronger, better, and happier.
Man I am sick of these people. "I was just with you for 10 years, built a life, with kids and all but I'm not sure I was ever really into it".
Sorry but my wife just gave me the same basic B.S. 2 young kids and all.
I'm really new here my advice for today is to Accept. It's so hard I know but you have to come out of this in one piece and sane. You have to take care of your babies.
You can't change anyone except yourself. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but YOU have to be okay.
Check out my user name. You get some too and hang in there.
Thanks. I am still going to read the book and apply the ideas. Maybe he will change his mind...
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
