For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Thought I would pop in for my latest drama...
I have two things on my mind today:

First, back in June, H & I received a check in the mail from the bank. It was for $495 - an overpayment on escrow or something. Anyway, I held onto the check and never said anything to H. I put it (okay hid it) in my dresser drawer.

I really wanted to cash it. I work part time and I make decent money, but I work no more than 32 hrs every 2 weeks and a very big portion of my check covers health insurance for DD and I. My check pays for groceries, gas, the fun things I do with DD, giving at church and that's it. So, basically I very, very rarely get anything for myself. And I see H just wasting money all over the place - on beer, lunches out, weekend getaways, dinners outs, tickets to games, cigs, poker parties, his "house" (makes me want to vomit just saying that!!!!!!)...he is so wasteful. And I very rarely have extra money for me. I really wanted to treat myself to some new clothes, highlights and that sort of thing. But...feeling guility, I let the check just sit since June.

BTW - H ordered new checks like 6 months ago, took my name of them and told me that was an accident. Oh yeah...an accident...such a lie! Regardless - the only money I have access to is in my own checking account and since I work pt, that's not too much there.

I finally decided...enough! He's done so much crap to me, it's time to do something nice for me! So, I pulled open my drawer and...the check was gone! At first I thought I must have hid it somewhere else. Well, no. Obviously, he went searching through my stuff (and why would he do that since he doesn't love me and want to be with me????, what was he looking for and why does he care????), I found the check and get this - he signed my name and deposited in the ATM at the end of September. I called the bank and got this info. In fact, they sent me a copy of the check. It came in the mail yesterday. When I saw that fake signature of mine I was soooooooooooooo pissed. And the truth is - I was planning on doing the exact same thing - signing his name and cashing it, but I don't care. I'm still so mad. I know he's going to say he makes the house payment, so it's his money and that will make me furious. He's so wasteful and all I wanted was some new stuff - just to make myself feel better...ya know. After everything - I deserve it.

Ahhhhhhhh....How do you think I should bring this up to him? And what's he gonna do when I show him the signed check? How do I approach this? I thought about trying to make him feel bad and telling him I was saving that money for Christmas bc I knew he would just blow it. Not so honest, huh? : (

Do you think I'm wrong to get so mad when I was going to do the same thing - cash it and not tell him? I guess the point is, I just want to scream, "What about me??????" I never put myself first and this one time I wanted to.

Like I said above, I carry the health insurance for DD and I. The reason I don't currently carry H is bc it would have been very expensive to add him so he just got his own policy. Well, we are currently in our open enrollment time - the one time per year when I can make changes/additions to my health insurance. So, I could add him to my insurance for 2010 and he needs to be added bc I think his other policy elapsed. It will cost me a small fortune to add him. The cost is a concern, but I'm more worried about this - If I say something about adding him to my insurance for 2010, he might get an idea that I'm planning on sticking with him for another year while he continues to live his own life. I don't want him thinking that I"m gonna deal with his crap for another year. How can I bring this up without sounding like I'm pursuing and planning on being with him in the future?????