Needing Direction

[2B_2_AS_1]

Do you think it could end up in a situation where a woman doesn't pursue or doesn't chase at all? Could it be interpreted as me not being interested in her? Kind of like it has been said on here before, seems contrary to do the kind of behavior that might have contributed in getting us here in the first place.

[awest1217]

I understand the feeling because as a woman, I want to be the one pursued and not the other way around. All women want to feel like a princess being swept off their feet by a prince. What I would do is give it some time and call just to check in. My H was sick all last weekend, and I have decided to LRT, but if you read my latest post, I need to show him I care because that is why he has the OW becuase he thinks I don't care. So I just text him to see if he was ok. I did this more when he was really sick, and less once I knew he had seen a doctor and was going to be ok. Then I backed off and just asked him when he called me.

About earlier posts, it must have been hard on X to go without telling people she was pregnant, and i would not be surprised if she is bitter about it because being pregnant and hormones going crazy, it could look to her like you did not care. Of course you did, but she might not have seen it that way. I would make sure you continue to show you are proud of being a dad and hopefully X will forgive you, although you did nothing wrong it is just what she perceived. The showing her you are very proud and not hiding your D will show her you care about D, which at least with me, shows you also care about her (when my H ignores S it makes me feel like he is ignoring me because he is ignoring his family).

[2B_2_AS_1]

Awest,

I don't think X wanted to be pursued when we first split. Now I don't really know. I wonder if X wants me to pursue and if I did would she respond in kind. Or if I wait for X to pursue, will she buck the "what every woman wants" mentatlity of to be pursued and take the initiative to try and get closer and make some amends in our Relationship.

It was tough being out of town when she told me she was expecting. I was not fully prepared for it and it may have taken me some time to fully absorb the news. I do love my D so much. She is a princess. Now I have two Ds. Wonderful girls. I try to be the best Dad I can be. It did have to be tough for her to be alone durning the time I was out and even when I returned home, after a couple of months I went back to the routine of being way too busy. Again, not spending enough time with her to make her feel special and that I care.

It is all about perception and I have learned it is so important to communicate. X recently tells me I only get my D bc I have to pay support. Many other crazy stuff she has said. Off the wall type stuff. That has been as recent as a few months back. Hopefully X has grown since then.

Not sure how X could think I could do anything but love my D. I spend so much time with her, I kiss D continuously when picking her up and dropping her off. We do so many things together. Hopefully she will see more and more how well we get along and how much I love on my D.

How can I show her any more than I do already?

[awest1217]

You are showing her, which is what I mean. You are doing great, but until X is willing to let go of the bitterness she is feeling towards you, nothing you do will help any. THat is what is happening with me. When H came home for 2 weeks, we got along pretty well and I was a model wife, like he had asked, but it did not make him happy because he is so bitter towards me, his parents, and many others. I am not why towards me, but he is.

I would say right now do not pursue, but watch for her to open the door. She may not pursue you like you would pursue her so be watchful and patient.

[givingitmyall]

2B,

I agree with awest. I would not pursue your X. She has to see your changes for a pretty good while before she will let herself believe you have changed. She IS watching everything you do, whether you realize it or not.

Remember, time is on your side, even though it feels like your enemy. Patience, patience, then more patience.

One of the best illustrations someone gave me here about where you are right now is to imaging you are trying to convince a frightened animal to eat from you hand. You do that by very subtle and SLOW movements. Anything quick or abrupt, and the animal gets scared and runs off into the forest.

Here's another story (called the Picnic Analogy)that helps show what you are trying to do (and I copied this from someone esle):


THE PICNIC ANALOGY

Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.

THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.

[Gardener]

Gima, This is great!

THE PICNIC ANALOGY

[2B_2_AS_1]

Thanks to all of you for the feedback. It helps tremedously. I agree whole heartedly.

X sent me a pic of my D on halloween Tuesday. X also emailed today to let me know D went to Dr for flu shot and told me how well she did. X went into detail she would not have previously. I wrote a few sentences in response to telling X know how proud of my D I am and how much she makes my heart melt. X didn't respond.. Def meant what I said, but hopefully didn't overdo it with a couple of sentences.

Wow... Having a picnic.. Scared puppy... In the zone...

[2B_2_AS_1]

Called X a couple times tonight to check on D. No answer or return call... Oh well. It definately does get irritating when you can't get through.. detach.. detach..

[2B_2_AS_1]

Called X this afternoon to check on D after getting flu shot. X tells me D is fine and doing great. Gets the next flu shot 2/2 next month.

We talked for a few minutes about other misc items. I did ask if they had any plans this weekend. She tells me not really and after a few minutes tells me they do have plans on Sunday to meet with a Gfried and her kids. So hard not to ask X if she would like to do something together. Keep having my picnic. She doesn't suggest it. I ask her to give my D a hug and a kiss for me and we hang up on good terms.

[awest1217]

I am glad you are calling to check on D, but you need to make sure you just keep it to that and not get upset if X does not want to talk to you much. This conversation should be about D with no higher expectations because that just sets you up to get upset. If X talks more, great, but if not that is ok because you just wanted to find out about D anyway.