So I thought this would be a good night to do a 180. Make him feel like he doesn't have to be that person. And I can go and have a great time on my own. Should I go?
Sounds like a great opportunity to show him the new independent un-needy you. Dress to impress and mingle away. I would assume the invite is still good unless he says otherwise today (in which case, you will just have to graciously let it go). Just use it as a chance to have fun (for you) and also as an opportunity to show him the women he fell in love with. Have fun!
Me 27; H 28; S 2 Togeth 9; M 4 Sep 11/14/08 EA OW1 Sep 08 EA OW2 Mar 09 EA OW3 Jun 10
Hey Britt, just curious, you said your H is hot and cold alot. Is there any chance he suffers from depression (does he show any other signs)? Maybe I'm a little biased toward this conclusion b/c my H is suffering from it so severly, but I suppose it's always an option. Maybe robx would be a good person to ask about this too since his W suffered from depression as well. It just seems like it's something to always keep an eye out for b/c it absolutely kills R's and M's!
Me 27; H 28; S 2 Togeth 9; M 4 Sep 11/14/08 EA OW1 Sep 08 EA OW2 Mar 09 EA OW3 Jun 10
Well the worst has happened. I went to the banquet last night. When I walked in the door, H was in the back corner table with this girl that has wanted him since grade 10 of high school. She is the "one" girl that has caused many arguments between us. She has always been very flirty with him right in front of me. Called him behind my back. This was all a few years ago but still. He dislikes her. He actually cannot stand her. He talks badly about her alll the time. Not many people have much respect for her as she is kind of crazy. So not a good start to my night. Even worse after being there for two hours he made no attempt to talk to me. He just sat at the table with her and her friend and his buddy. Then at ten oclock I ran into him and he said he was leaving cause he was tired. Really...that's funny. You ask me to come here, you don't talk to me, and then you leave at ten? And where is the chick? Who knows, probably waiting in the truck for him.
So having a few drinks in me, I did the worst possible thing. I asked him to come home with me. I told him the kids weren't there, just come home and we'll hang out. He denied saying he was tired.
So he left, and I cried. Some of my girlfriends were there to console me and some of the husbands must have saw cause at 3am he called me asking me why I was crying at his banquet. He said that some of the guys called him to tell him I was crying. And that he was calling to check up on me. Ya right, you were calling cause you felt bad. You felt guilty and needed to resolve that guilt so you could go back to sleep. Nice try.
So now I'm back at square one. I don't think DB is going to do anything for my marriage. My husband is in a different place right now. And I think I've just got to move on even though we've been making progress and baby steps everyday he proved it meant nothing last night. The guy even called me yesterday to ask me to come watch hockey. He told me he wanted me there. He called me his "wife" to my girlfriend. But that all means nothing. So good luck to everybody. I hope you all get through this and are successful. But I'm moving on. I've given up hope. Take care.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
DB'ing isn't *always* about saving a marriage. In fact, it's a secondary goal. DB'ing *is* about saving yourself.
If you are done then you are done and that is your choice to make. It seems to me though that you are making that choice AFTER a very highly charged emotional night/meltdown you had.
Your post is filled with speculation and mind reading. And you may or may not be way off base. I simply urge you to really take a few days to cool off and refocus. Six weeks of DB'ing is a mere second in reality. Especially if you are only DB'ing for you and your future.
He called you his wife and you said that meant nothing to you. Maybe it meant something to him. Don't jump the gun because you are angry, jealous, tired or frustrated. DB'ing is not for the weak and it's a very long, slow and tedious process.
I hope you all get through this and are successful. But I'm moving on. I've given up hope. Take care.
Never make permanent decisions on temporary emotions. Give yourself a couple of days before you make that final choice.
Although now you have a very clear boundary to communicate to him; you don't want to be in an open marriage, so as long as he is seeing her, he doesn't come over to the house except to pick up and drop off the kids.
You might be surprised at what happens after that...
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Well the worst has happened. I went to the banquet last night. When I walked in the door, H was in the back corner table with this girl that has wanted him since grade 10 of high school. She is the "one" girl that has caused many arguments between us. She has always been very flirty with him right in front of me. Called him behind my back. This was all a few years ago but still. He dislikes her. He actually cannot stand her. He talks badly about her alll the time.
Uh-huh. He can't stand her, but there he is hanging out with her? Something's fishy. (Rule number one: "cheaters lie".)
Originally Posted By: britt54
Even worse after being there for two hours he made no attempt to talk to me. He just sat at the table with her and her friend and his buddy. Then at ten oclock I ran into him and he said he was leaving cause he was tired. Really...that's funny. You ask me to come here, you don't talk to me, and then you leave at ten?
I thought you were going to go to this banquet for yourself? So you could have fun and not deal with him at all? So why do you care if he didn't talk to you? (The answer? Because you haven't ________ yet.)
This was a perfect test of your new-found commitment, and you blew it.
Originally Posted By: britt54
And where is the chick? Who knows, probably waiting in the truck for him.
Not your concern, except you now have a perfect boundary to communicate to him; he gets her, or he gets you; no sharing.
Originally Posted By: britt54
So having a few drinks in me, I did the worst possible thing. I asked him to come home with me. I told him the kids weren't there, just come home and we'll hang out. He denied saying he was tired.
...yeah, you set yourself up for that, sorry to say.
You tried to force him to choose between her and you, and you got an answer. You should have known full well what was going to happen if you asked him over, but you did it anyway.
Originally Posted By: britt54
And I think I've just got to move on even though we've been making progress and baby steps everyday he proved it meant nothing last night.
He did nothing of the sort. We've been warning you that his feelings are all over the place, and will be for a while, and that's why you need to detach yourself. But as far as I can tell, you haven't given any of this a chance to really work.
To him, you are still the same person he dropped the bomb on 5 weeks ago, with some slight improvements.
And if you make this about her, then you are going to push him even farther towards her. She needs to not exist to you (except for the boundary that needs to be set).
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
So now I'm back at square one. I don't think DB is going to do anything for my marriage. My husband is in a different place right now. And I think I've just got to move on even though we've been making progress and baby steps everyday he proved it meant nothing last night. The guy even called me yesterday to ask me to come watch hockey. He told me he wanted me there. He called me his "wife" to my girlfriend. But that all means nothing. So good luck to everybody. I hope you all get through this and are successful. But I'm moving on. I've given up hope. Take care.
Girl, you've got to have some patience. You just admitted that you were making baby steps. Enjoy those small successes and keep the progress going. Have you read thru all of DR - Michele specifically says that this takes time. It took a long time to get to this point and it's also going to take a long time to get out (You being a new mother too have probably heard the saying, "It takes 9 months to have your baby and it takes 9 months to get your original body back.") Just saying, things don't change overnight. You just have to learn from this experience and grow from it. Remember basic rule #1 - DO NOT PURSUE. Inviting H home is definitely pursuing and it definitely put H is an akward spot. At some point you will get there, but you weren't there yet. I keep making mistakes and falling back myself, but I've keep learning from them. Good luck with whatever you decide! (but like the others said above, give yourself a cooling off period first before you make any drastic decisions.)
Me 27; H 28; S 2 Togeth 9; M 4 Sep 11/14/08 EA OW1 Sep 08 EA OW2 Mar 09 EA OW3 Jun 10
Please give what we've been saying some thought. You have been at this for not even two months, and seen definite results.
Don't let one bad night cause you to throw away the progress of the last month or so.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
