Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Beautiful day today and that actually depresses me a bit. I want to get outside and do something -- and I don't really know what to do.

It's my W's weekend with the kids and I even helped yesterday by printing out a fun event at a museum that we have a membership to -- I paid to renew it for all of us even though I'd moved out by the time it came due.

I'm just no good with patience. I've read about Dia and Sandi and some of the other success stories and how it tooks months before they realized they wanted to give their M another chance.

I'm at six months out of the house and I have to get through this day, this weekend. And I keep waking up every day wondering whether this is the day she files. Four weeks ago she said it was soon. Then she emailed last week and asked about lawyers trained in the collaborative divorce process -- something I mentioned a while ago. Then she had a mysterious "appointment" Wednesday night.

It's so hard to trust in the path. I keep thinking about what she's doing. If she's happy. If she's even starting to miss me a little.

I'm doing pretty well in LRT. I have not called or texted for something other than kid stuff in more than a month. I was tempted last night. I went to the Michael Jackson movie with a female friend who owns a PR firm in town. She's in a relationship with a man in another state, so there's no potential for a R there. At least not now. It was just a safe night out with someone I can talk to.

I felt like sending W a message that she should bring D10 to see the movie. W was on dance teams and did many routines to Michael Jackson. She'd love the movie. I thought it would also send the message that I'm out doing things. But I decided against it. I'll tell D10 how great the movie was when I see her on Sunday.

No great ephiphanies today. Just trying to get through the day and hoping to meet friends tonight.