Is this really what I want??

[LostNConfused]

Sad to say, but this is getting easier...maybe I am ready to move on?

H dropped off rings I gave back to him. So now I have them back, but don't even feel like putting them on. Seems harder when I wear them because its a constant reminder of something that isn't there anymore. I am thinking about starting to box up all of his stuff, so I don't need to see it anymore. Out of sight out of mind, right? Wish it was that easy. I still have one of our wedding pix up in living room and one by my desk. If anything I will use them to think of the positives of our marriage, so if anything, we can always be friends.

Yesterday was very first day of no text, no talk, no communication of any kind in a long time. I almost tried to find a reason to text him last night, but held back.

Saturday I had to text him about phone bill. I asked a few questions, then said, sorry and I will now stop bothering him. He said..it was ok. When we have talked or texted, he seems more sincere since "the talk". He's so confusing..which must mean hes even more confused himself.

For the meantime..I am just focusing on myself and my business. I am going to try some morning meditation to keep me focused and positive...


Anyhow..guess this is just a place to journal for me.

[LostNConfused]

Not been a good week. Too much contact with H maybe? Some good communication came out of it about feelings and such, but mostly just how to deal with things so that he can move on.

He said he thought about telling me he would help me screen roommates in January. So obviously..hes not even having second thoughts about coming back.

He asked me why one minute I am nice to him and then next I am angry. Well what does he think? Seriously? Ahhh! Sometimes just want to scream in his face! I told him that most days I am doing fine dealing with this and then there are some days I am just plain out angry with the whole situation so I take it out on him. He said well if was up to him and either we didnt talk or I was angry when we talked, he would rather we dont have any contact.

Of course not..he has to feel guilty then. I have forgiven him for the EA, the crap he has put me through in the past 5 years and us having to file bankruptcy due to his immature and stupid money decisions, so now its time for him to do that. I wonder if thats another reason he wants to be away from me. I am a constant reminder of all the bad things he has done. So MOVE ON dude! Get over it..forgive yourself!

I asked him if he wears his ring..he said after I gave mine back to him, he took his off because he was pissed, and then he never put it back on. I honestly dont wear mine either, too hard to look at them and be reminded of what I dont' have. Doesn't mean I dont want this marriage to work, but would rather wear them when they actually meant something.

So the other night, our nice, civil IM convo was nice, but then afterwards was hard. Last night I broke down and just wanted to know why he cant just love me? Even though I know the answer to that.

Might sound horrible to some of you who are dealing with affairs, but at least you knew then it was just a symptom and that when they find out..they usually discover how dumb it was. But this...this is the underlying cause..the reason he would or probably reason why he did have an affair. This is nothing I have control over...I can't force him to get help, even though I honestly feel that if he did and learned to forgive himself and love himself, he could love me and we could truly be happy. I have seen those time in our marriage when he was truly happy and loving..so I know that they are there..just buried deep I guess.

While he continues to say he wants to do whatever he can to make this easier on me, I just have to wonder why.

Im so tired of living in limbo..which is my own doing. One minute I am ready to move on and the next I love him so much and want to make this work. Its driving me insane!

I feel so lost and confused and just feel like running away!

[BeginningAgain]

Lost,

Your H is not going to admit or want to discuss ore even acknowledge to himself the good that was in your marriage because it invalidates what he is doing now. WAS's need to live in and remind themselves of the negativity (real or perceived) of the marriage so that they can justify their actions of walking out.

I'd take some focus off of him and re-energize yourself. Move forward on some things that you want for you. You don't need to be stuck in limboland and moving forward doesn't necessarily mean you are completely giving up on the marriage - it just means you refuse to stay stranded in the hell you are currently living in.

S4H

[LostNConfused]

Thanks S4H, that is what I needed to hear. I think thats what was making me scared to try and move on. I was afraid it meant that I was giving up on the marriage and I am not ready to do that yet.

H came over today to pick up some more stuff and gave me a really nice hug. I wasn't really sure how I felt..a little sad, a little numb. It seems like what how we are now is so less stressed and more "friends".

Anyhow..going to take your advice and try to focus on myself as much as I can.

[BeginningAgain]

Lost,

I'm glad you are feeling better and are going to put the focus on you. I think if you spend your time and energy on where it will do the most good and right now I do believe that is on you, you will be surprised at how much better you feel about yourself and your current situation. Hey it's the weekend, get out and enjoy it! Chin up!!!

S4H

[ClingingToHope]

Im so tired of living in limbo..which is my own doing. One minute I am ready to move on and the next I love him so much and want to make this work. Its driving me insane!

I'm with you. The emotional roller coaster turns your stomach.

My sitch is a lot like yours. There's no affair, just no love for me -- at least not now, I still believe it's buried deep down inside underneath self-esteem and depression issues and a lot of small slights that built up with time.

Even though everyone says I'm doing well GALing, I can't get thoughts of my W and the good days of our M out of my head. I went to the Michael Jackson movie last night with a female friend who owns a PR company.

It was a lot of fun and a good movie, but time and time again I thought to myself how great it would be to bring my actual W to see the movie. She loved Michael.

Limboland is awful as well. I don't know which is worse. The D process or no process. A month ago she said she was filing soon. Last week, she was still looking for lawyers. Wednesday she had some mysterious "night-time" appointment she had to get through.

Financially, I'll be better off if we divorce than just sitting here in limboland.

Where are you in those talks?

[LostNConfused]

S4H- It is a beautiful weekend but I will be working most of it, then my mom comes to visit. Should be interesting..maybe I can talk her into moving in with me for while to help pay for rent when H stops paying lease. But I will keep my chin up and work and focus on me! Hope you have a great weekend!

ClingingtoHope~ We only had that talk once. I said I don't have the money to get a lawyer right now and he said we shouldn't need one. Than I said we should just wait til after 1st of year, easier on taxes. (Not sure if it would be or not..but thought why push it)

So now there has been no talk about it. H couldn't even tell me in actual words he wanted a divorce..I asked if we were done and he said " yea probably". Whatever that means! LOL Then after a few more minutes, I said, "so you want a divorce then?" and I got no response. So who knows....I am not going to bring it up again until he does.

I sometimes think would be easier to just be done. move on..but it wouldn't be.

Ill have to visit your sitch to see if I have anything else to add. Just stay strong! Its all we can do right now!

[LostNConfused]

Have been wanting to post on here all week, but my mom was visiting. While it was nice to have her here, I know it she wanted to just talk and talk about what was going on with H and I. But I didn't feel much like talking about it.

So this is what I wanted to post about..last Saturday night as I was getting ready for bed, for some reason I looked over at my wedding rings sitting on the counter and I don't know why, but I just felt this "pull" towards them and to put them on. Strange? For the week before, every time I put them on, it just didn't feel right, and I didn't want to wear them at all. So this was so weird and it was after I had prayed to god and asked for some type of sign as to where and what I should be doing. So I took i as a sign....

This week, exchanged a few texts between H, but nothing much. He finally finished school, so now he will have a lot more time to do things..hopefully thinking.

In a way, I think with him going to school and me trying to grow my business, we just go to involved in those things and let US slip away..not even realizing it at the time. NOW of course I see it. I know I can't go back and change it, but know I would change it if given the chance.

I miss him..I really do. He stopped by last night as I was taking my mom to the airport and he looked so cute and I just wanted to hug him! Why do I do so well for so long and then just fall apart! Today I feel like I could just lay in bed and cry all day! I hate this!!

[LostNConfused]

Feeling better today...not sure why, just am. Nothings changed in regards to my R with H. We are civil to each other and thats about it. I need to stop reading into things though, thats what is making this harder.

Picked up laptop from him today...hes not wearing his ring. Whatever I guess, I am still not ready to take mine off.

Scared for him..he has always told me how scared he is that he will end up like his dad, an alcoholic and now I see him heading in that direction. I know I have no control over it, but hard to see him do this to himself. Want to email him and remind him what he has said to me many times, but not sure its good idea.

Want to email and tell his mom too, as she was alcoholic and stopped drinking over 30 years ago. so knows what its like. Maybe she could talk to him? I don't know..guess its no my business anymore?

I have been signing up for these online dating sites. Just to see what is out there. Most them you can do anything when you find someone compatible unless you pay so much, which is crap, but maybe its a way of keeping me away from them. Just so looking for a friend to talk to I guess. Someone to maybe make me feel like "im worth it" again and help build up my self esteem. Probably need to do that work on my own, but sure would feel great to have someone give ME some attention for once...

Anyhow..off to get some work done..hopefully keep my mind off of other crap.