New Post for Wifey

[The Wifey]

Hi Kev. Well, the cold is slowly starting to ease a bit, but is still here just enough that I still feel cruddy. I have to quit whining!

Any how, the movie was fun and we had a good time. Where the Wild Things Are was magical, like the story book. You really have to see it with an innocent child's mind.

After the movie we went to a diner for coffee. I had pie and he had a sundae. Then we went back to the house and watched the last DVD in the series From the Earth to the Moon that we've been watching. He actually dozed off for a while in the lounge chair.

When he woke up I made us both cups of coffee and we sat and talked while we were drinking them. We actually held hands for quite a while. Funny, how even holding hands seems like a great step now.

He said he had to get going then and I kissed him goodbye (on the cheek, because of the cold.)

Sunday I spoke to my MIL and made plans to go there for dinner. H was working on polishing his motorcycle during the day. I worked on a school project and then went over in the evening.

I actually brought all the fixings and made dinner. Chicken with whole berry cranberries, onion soup mix, and catalina dressing. (Cook for 1 hour at 350.) I brought my rice cooker so we put it over rice. H and in-laws loved it. H had two heaping plate-fulls. Once in a while I get an urge to cook, and with it being just me I don't get to do anything elaborate for the most part.

MIL was talking about this new restaurant that I went to with Strong Marvelous Woman and wanting to try it. I mentioned they had a Sunday brunch. H spoke up and said lets make plans to go there next Sunday. Wow. Everyone agreed, and I am looking forward to it.

Dia, you are rubbing off when I start giving out recipes. : )

I got a very nice hug goodnight on my way home. H said we would make plans to do something on Friday. I said sure just let me know what you have in mind.

All in all a nice weekend. I was up until 1 am finishing my project for tonight's class unfortunately. My body is still adjusting to grad school. My mind is willing, but the body demanded I sleep until 9. I never used to be in bed past 6 am.

I just started reading Passionate Marriage. So far I'm enjoying it. But it will have to wait until I get through some Human Resources stuff first.

I'm pleased that he was comfortable enough to fall asleep here. I'm happy that there were only happy times together this weekend. And the fact that he suggested two get togethers next week is also great.

I hope everyone had a good weekend. I would go check on all of your threads, but I have to read. Maybe if I'm not too tired tonight I will peak back here after class.

[Gardener]

Wifey,
So glad to hear that things are going well (except for the cold).
(((())))

[Dia]

That dinner sounds good! Do you mean whole berry cranberry sauce, or loose, whole berries?

[The Wifey]

Dia, its whole berry cranberry sauce. It melts down and makes a yummy mixture to put over the rice!

[K4D]

KJ,

How are you doing? How was the weekend?

Kevin

[The Wifey]

I haven't been on in a couple of weeks, mostly because of school. I have had three wonderful weekends in a row with my H. We spend time together, we've hit some movies, gone out to eat, did work around the house together and spent family time at my in-laws. H seems happy and comfortable. I am happy while with him and really mostly content when I'm not.

The is the peri-menopausal hell week, of course, so I've been hitting the tissue box today. Mostly it is impatience, because I do see things getting better. Slowly, but definitely getting better.

We even laid on the bed and took a nap on Sunday. I slept for a while and then just laid there watching him and listening to his heartbeat and breathing. Later on we met up at my MIL's house for dinner. (I had to study after he left and then met up with him.)

Yup, I hate peri-menopause. Officially, completely miserable today. I know its hormonal though, because I have no other reason to be this way. Its one of those grit your teeth, dab the tears, get through it weeks.

I take my GRE exam on Thursday. I have to do well in order to get matriculated at my college. Studying my math most of all.

Also decided on my H's Christmas Gift. I am going to have his medals, commendations, etc custom framed from when he served in the Air Force for his office. I think he will love it. I had no idea until I read through that he actually saved a shuttle launch by repairing the necessary video and radar feed in time to prevent a scrub.

[The Wifey]

I had an interesting, yet somewhat painful exchange with my H yesterday. As I put above, we've had some wonderful, fun, peaceful times the past several weekend. I guess it was a little too nice. I had a very curt email from him yesterday that basically said he felt pushed, feels he has demonstrated that he thinks of me as family and that he knows I want more.

OK, now I have been just being in the moment. I've enjoyed myself, and acted like I would with a friend (other than the nap.) So, I sat down and really gave the weekends some thought. No, I thought, that might be how he feels but it is not my reality and he can frame it for himself but not for me.

I am posting an email that I already sent him. If you want to comment you can, but I am completely comfortable with what I put in it and I don't think I would have changed a thing.

"Dear H,

There are no guarantees. There never were. When you said it would take years to rebuild you were right. It will take the rest of our lives to get it right.

I want you to understand, very clearly, that I won't push because I don't want anything from you that has to be pushed. Neither of us has to do anything we don't want to do. You are free to choose what you do or don't want at any time. I can and will do the same.

Maybe I shouldn't be so transparent with my feelings, but that is how I am. And if we are ever to have a future then you have to accept me as I am, or not. I will not be someone I am not. It has been a long journey to know who I am, what I believe, what my values are, and what I want in life.

With me, what you see is what you get. And in return, I see and accept you as you are. I don't expect or ask you to change. I like and yes, love, who you are without any need to change. If it makes you uncomfortable to be loved that much I can not help you.

I expect no reply. I just could not sleep last night and put this on paper.

I love you,

Wifey"

This letter set me free from some pain I had to deal with while trying to sleep. He IS free to make his choices. I AM free to make mine.

I know what I want. I want to be in a balanced relationship with emotional honesty, independence, openly-shown affection, and a caring partnership. And quite frankly, its been a year and a half without any lovemaking and darn it I want that too - and I am not ashamed to say so.

I can only grow me. He has to take care of himself, however he sees fit. I will have what I want. I hope and pray it will be with him.

[The Wifey]

Interesting, I got this in return:

In retrospect I should of agreed it was nice weekend. And shared with you I was feeling a little pushed.... That's all... No walls going up or doors being slammed. All is good.

[mnt_dreams]

I loved your note to your H... objective but loving. You are being true to yourself and not afraid to let H how you feel. I admire your strength!

[The Wifey]

mnt_dreams,

I am strong, but it did not happen over night. I've been at this since June 2nd, 2008. In fact, I would say in my early days I was one of the worst DB'ers that you ever could find. For too long I just looked for things to be all better and for him to "come to his senses," but it just doesn't work like that.

Working on yourself is far more than just a saying, faking it until you get there is key. I have read enough books to open my own library. Of the books I've read, I credit one the most: Life strategies by Phil McGraw. None other than Dr. Phil that I'd previously rejected as a television hack that loved the spotlight. It was written in his pre-Oprah days.

I spent most of the summer reading the book, journaling, and working through the exercises that he had in there. It helped me examine who I really was, what I wanted, what my values were, and what things about me needed to change, and more importantly, which things were just fine the way they were. It helped me to face what is the reality, rather than fight against it. And Lord knows, I did not want to face the fact that my H left and wasn't sure he wanted to be married to me any more.

My life is amazing right now. I never would have imagined that through the greatest challenge and emotionally trying time in my life that I would emerge on the other side and be able to say that. My faith has grown so much, and I have grown so much. Honestly, even food seems to taste better. Rather than rush through life in a blur on auto-pilot, I slow down and experience and feel. When I eat I savor every bite. It is simply amazing to me.

My R with my H is not yet at the piecing stage, but I know it will be. He just needs to do more growing of his own before that will happen. We have time and I have more patience than I ever have in my life.

Thanks, Mnt, for your kind words.