Of course the ultimate aim/boundary is for there to be zero contact with the OM.
But where could be safer for my kids to stay than at her brothers? She and the boys have to stay somewhere - preferably at home, but at least they are safe and any goings on would be flagged by the brother to the rest of the family. The brother also wants him out and his house back to himself.
But instead of making giant demands that will not be reached and will only incite anger and seperate us more, I aim to take bite size chunks and swallow each one and not choke on them.
The WAW is following a dream in attending her Degree course - he is also a student there. Are you suggesting I demand that she throws a dream away - how would I be offering her any support?
Her main complaint is that I did not Listen to her, Offer her support and understand what she is talking about and spend time with me. If I do not do the above I am only reinforcing the reasons for her to leave me and to stay away.
Only by showing I can do the things she feels are missing will allow her to return and truely work on our M. I agree that she wants to connect to me. I do not agree that driving a massive 'IF' statement or condition as a condition of our connecting would help.
I respect your comments and thoughts.
The wishy-washy phrase hit home, but she is asking for support - not 'manly' guideance.
And you are right - I do hold the key - I just need to oil the lock first.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
"don't they go to and stay overnight with their mother and he is there also?
do you have it in you to say, This contact between OM and the boys has got to stop! DO you realize the confusing message you are sending to them? I would prefer that they were affected in the least as we work through our marital problems."
Yes he is there every night. She is aware of the anguish in the boys, and sees the messages are wrong. But the difficulty is that she has only 2 options;
Come home - in my earlier post she said that it still stings (!) Stay at her brothers.
Thats it.
He has 2 options; Sleep on the streets - like I would care!
Sleep on the couch at the WAW's brothers.
Thats it.
I would gladly tell her 'Zero contact between the boys and the OM'. But it would not happen as they have zero other options and are on the same course together. Also it would on create a lot of anger and widen the seperation at a time where she has no anger for me and we are connecting more.
Trust me I could easliy demand the zero connection boundary. I have to control upto 50 staff at work and enforce both my will and instuctions upon them. I am not unafraid of grabbing my nuts and enforcement. I feel upon reflection that I must show and give her what she feels is missing in our R. I think that your kind advice is an action I would like to enforce, but would not be appropriate and would drive her away and towards a D.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
She and the boys have to stay somewhere - preferably at home, but at least they are safe and any goings on would be flagged by the brother to the rest of the family. The brother also wants him out and his house back to himself.
Even your BIL wants them gone and your wife home.
Quote:
But instead of making giant demands that will not be reached and will only incite anger and seperate us more
Boundaries aren't demands. Demands are when you tell her what to do. She has a choice in how she acts in a boundary and you have a choice in how she treats you and your family. Plus you are making a huge assumption about seperating you more, do you really think we would give you advice that would worsen things???
Quote:
Her main complaint is that I did not Listen to her, Offer her support and understand what she is talking about and spend time with me.
Are you listening to her know?
Quote:
She said that she does not want to stay at her Brothers. She says she wants to be at home, but that it still stings. She said she wants to communicate fully with me.
Are you communicating fully? You are waiting "until the lock is oiled." How's that working?
Quote:
but she is asking for support - not 'manly' guideance.
And your aren't giving her either! Support - I will get you back home, I will see to it you get back and forth to class and have time to study, I will not share you in my marriage - you matter that much to me, I want you. I will do whatever it takes.
She wants you to take a stand for her. Handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Quote: but she is asking for support - not 'manly' guidance.
And your aren't giving her either! Support - I will get you back home, I will see to it you get back and forth to class and have time to study, I will not share you in my marriage - you matter that much to me, I want you. I will do whatever it takes.
I have already told her this. Several times.
But I must ask - in your opinion how am I not offering support?
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
It's not supporting her to let her have the OM. She wants a man that is stronge enough and secure enough to stand up to her. She sees you as weak and insecure and she doesn't feel the security she needs.
Have you really set an boundary that you won't share her with another man???????
Are you really doing whatever it takes?
You are wallowing in limboland and there is only one way out. You must lead your family.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
[/quote]It's not supporting her to let her have the OM. She wants a man that is stronge enough and secure enough to stand up to her. She sees you as weak and insecure and she doesn't feel the security she needs. Have you really set an boundary that you won't share her with another man??????? Are you really doing whatever it takes? You are wallowing in limboland and there is only one way out. You must lead your family.[quote]
OUCH.
You have certainly got me thinking. I will take a little time to digest what you say. It would feel so 'final' to tell her no contact. She would not go down the no-contact route. At the moment it would be a futile boundary as she would not try to make it happen. Why ask for something that will not happen. Why not wait until the time is right and she may do the 'no contact', there would be more chance of it happening. It also seems to be a 'one use' tactic/boundary. You cant ask for it twice.
No I have not set the boundary of her being with OM. As I said before, it is an R of convenience, college/car/place to sleep/open ear, ect.
I don't feel like I am wallowing - but there again I am in the middle. It is always calm in the eye of a storm, but to an outsider.. I agree that I must forge the path out.
Today I told her I am not happy with the hugs when she leaves. I told her I find it confusing and gives me the wrong signals. She didn't look happy and pulled a few faces. But this is how I feel. And it is what I want.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
"As I said before, it is an R of convenience, college/car/place to sleep/open ear, ect."
You really have to stop saying this. I think you convinced yourself that this is an acceptable excuse. When they start having sex are you going to give us the same lame excuse that you think it was just a matter of convenience for them.
When I picked up the kids on Saturday, I told my WAW that I was uncomfortable with the hugging when she leaves me.
She pulled a face and asked why.
I said it is because it gives mixed messages, and confuses me.
Now I am having doubts about not hugging her and I am wondering if this is a good thing.(not hugging).
I am losing sleep over this.
Help.
Regards, Gynandtonix
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
You have certainly got me thinking. I will take a little time to digest what you say. It would feel so 'final' to tell her no contact. She would not go down the no-contact route. At the moment it would be a futile boundary as she would not try to make it happen. Why ask for something that will not happen.
Because boundary-setting is not about controlling her behavior, it's about making her aware of your limitations and the repercussions of not respecting them.
"I will not live in an open marriage; I married you with the expectation that we would not share each other. If you want to be with me, you have to cut off all contact with him AND agree to a transparency plan. If not, then go and be with him and I will file for divorce."
Originally Posted By: Gynandtonix
Why not wait until the time is right and she may do the 'no contact', there would be more chance of it happening.
The right time is NOW. You tell her that it's your way or the highway.
Originally Posted By: Gynandtonix
It also seems to be a 'one use' tactic/boundary. You cant ask for it twice.
By George, I think he's got it. You tell her that it's you or this guy, and she has 5 minutes to make up her mind.
If she chooses you, she has to agree to allow you to verify that she has broken off contact. This is necessary to rebuild trust.
Originally Posted By: Gynandtonix
No I have not set the boundary of her being with OM. As I said before, it is an R of convenience, college/car/place to sleep/open ear, ect.
Well, if it is a relationship of convenience, then there should be no problem with her giving it up, right? if there's really no EA or PA involved?
I agree with Steve; you are lying to yourself to feel better about what your wife is doing, because of course she's not that kind of person.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Came home from work at 10.15pm. WAW was here as planned staying looking after the boys till I returned.
We had a good conversation over the next 45 mins. She told me that she wants to be back by Xmas. She did not think that she would still be at her brothers and that she thought she would have been back by now. She says she can see and likes the changes in me.
She asked for me to be utterly truthful and asked me if I had sought legal advice. She seemed to be very worried that I had gotten legal advice. I told her no, do I need to? Have you gotten advice? No she replied, you don't need to.
She says that she is surprised how hurt and angry she felt and regrets leaving in anger.
She said that she didn't want to go down the route the rest of her family have done. History - Her mother separated from her father for 4 yrs. but got back together - in a fashion. Her sister left her fiance of 9 yrs, her B divorced after 6 yrs of M. Not the best examples.
She asked what my family have said and so I was honest and told her they have said to get legal advice and leave my W. She said her side had also said to try for legal advice, etc, but that is not what she wants. She doesn't want to D.
She gave me a big, long, strong hug when she left and held my hand. She said that we should schedule more talks together where we won't be disturbed.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
