Can I save my marriage?

[robx]

Just another vent session of my day today:

Today I called him to discuss babysitting issues for the big banquet tomorrow night and he was so cold to me. Didn't really care to talk to me, he was just different than he's been lately. And he was pretty much shooing me off the phone. I've been the one to end our conversations lately and now he's doing the same to me!

I think I also messed up today. I think I pursued. And I was so good at not pursuing! He plays hockey tomorrow in a tourny and I told him I was going to bring S3 by to watch a game, cause he loves watching daddy play hockey. He didn't really respond much than "ya". I totally wasn't doing it for me it was soley for my son as he loves watching H play. I think he saw it in a different way. So I've decided not to even go. I feel bad cause I went against the whole pursuing thing. Its bothering me now tonight. I was doing so good! Oh well can't go back and erase it, just gotta move on to tomorrow.

Well that is a good thing, i'm glad you have the right mindset about this.

[Lll54]

Well we were discussing babysitting issues cause tomorrow night is the big banquet that I'm going to. So he arranged for his father to watch the boys overnight. So I had to call him to get all the details of time and stuff. This is his work banquet that he asked me to come to. So I can't start little contact until at least sunday, cause I'm going to see him all night tomorrow night.

The only reason I brought up the hockey was cause I had no idea what time he played. So I just asked for the time so I could bring S3 to watch. Its a tournament so he plays 3 games tomorrow. Just didn't know when. Wish I wouldn't have even bothered. Oh well

I agree I do have too much contact. Its getting worse and worse. After tomorrow night he takes the kids for four days. It will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, but I'm going to try to keep busy and limit my contact to "none" I trust the boys will be okay so I'm not even going to check in. Which is not in my nature. But I need to. That's why is probably pulling way back, he talks to me every single day. I'm giving him no reason to miss us or anything for that matter.

[Super Girl]

It's hard to not talk when you have young kids. I struggle with that too.

[Lll54]

Robx, you bring tears to my eyes because I know you're are dead right. My pain is just over taking me to a whole new level that I can't seem to handle. I understand that people on here don't complain as much as me, and honestly it sucks. Why do I have to be so weak? I have been through this before. My mom left my dad when I was 17, and I had to take on a new role in life. Mother. I had to help raise my two little sisters while my dad picked up two more jobs to support us. I've been through a divorce, and I felt like while going through it and getting through it I accomplished a new character in myself. I felt strong. I felt like I could do anything. I was a teenager starting to date, and mother of two, and a wife cooking my father and siblings meals everyday. I remember the feeling of strength that I had and my sisters tell me to this day that they look up to me for getting us all through that. My dad still tells me I was his rock. He never would have survived had it not been for me. And now that I'm going through it myself I've lost the old me. Now my sisters are my rocks. They are the ones here every day in and out keeping me company and making sure me and my boys are okay. I want to find that 17 year old girl in me and bring her out. I look up to her as well. When I look at myself now, I'm disappointed. I don't like the way I am right now. My mind feels like its going to explode. I feel much further along in my process than I was 5 weeks ago, but no where near where I should be. Like you said there is people on here for months and years. Sometimes people think "its never going to happen to me" And I truly believed that. H knew my whole family history and often reassured me he would never put me in that situation again, and he would never hurt me like my mom hurt my dad. I trusted him and broke my trust. And now I lonely and hurt and destroyed. I'm trying so hard. You have to believe me. I look on here and read your replies to my comments, and it hurts so bad because its all true. And it makes sense. So thanks again. You open my eyes everyday.

[Lll54]

Sadgirl, it truly is. My littlest is 18 mths old. I feel like I just gave birth and shared every little moment of his with H. How do you just drop daddy out of his life. Even just the parenting part. I used to look up to H and his help was much needed and still is. He is still in diapers! He is starting to talk, I want to share this with is daddy and can't. So ya its hard to not talk to them when you have the urge to call them every minute to tell them what they just did or said.

[Super Girl]

Resist the urge. Daddy knows milestones are happening, but Daddy is choosing to ignore it all. His problem, not yours.

[TrentC]

Resist the urge. Daddy knows milestones are happening, but Daddy is choosing to ignore it all. His problem, not yours.

Exactly. He is choosing the relationship he will have with his kids right now. And you both know it.

[TrentC]

Robx, you bring tears to my eyes because I know you're are dead right. My pain is just over taking me to a whole new level that I can't seem to handle. I understand that people on here don't complain as much as me, and honestly it sucks. Why do I have to be so weak?

That's why you need to find a new IC, who won't let you get off-topic to talk about your marriage. If he's not helping you work on you -- especially co-dependency issues -- then you're wasting your time.

I don't want to play one-upsmanship, but go look at what Serenity13 posted tonight. Then think about your relationship and how you are choosing to deal with it.

I have been through this before. My mom left my dad when I was 17, and I had to take on a new role in life.

[...]

And now that I'm going through it myself I've lost the old me. Now my sisters are my rocks. They are the ones here every day in and out keeping me company and making sure me and my boys are okay. I want to find that 17 year old girl in me and bring her out. I look up to her as well. When I look at myself now, I'm disappointed. I don't like the way I am right now. My mind feels like its going to explode. I feel much further along in my process than I was 5 weeks ago, but no where near where I should be. Like you said there is people on here for months and years.

And as I said, you should talk to a doctor or your IC about medication. I was in a very similar place a couple of weeks after this started for me, and getting on anti-anxiety medication was the best thing ever for me; it shut off the crazy-talking part of my brain.

[Lll54]

I think I might just do that. I feel its getting to the part where I need something that's for sure.! Thanks Trent. I look into Serenity's post.

Sadgirl, totally true. I guess I can't feel bad for his mistakes, and his losses. Just be glad they aren't mine.

[Lll54]

So I need some help. Tonight is my H's work banquet. He asked me to go a few weeks ago, and brought it up twice since then. He also found our babysitter which I feel is a definite sign he wants me to be there. Now it is the one night a year that I ALWAYS have a great time. All my closest friends are there and its a great time. So I'm very excited to go have some fun and forget about things for a night. EXCEPT that H will be there. Now the last I talked to him was yesterday and it was a very cold conversation. He didn't bring up the banquet or anything. Well its today and the wives are all going to eat prior to the banquet then we are carpooling to the banquet afterwards. The only problem is I feel kind of scared. It is going to be filled with all the men and their wives and H and I. He hasn't brought it up since Halloween night, and I'm just nervous about going and how I should act around him or if I should even go.

One of my marriage problems that H stated to me was that when we went to functions he always felt the need to have to stay with me all night and that he couldn't go mingle and have fun cause he was too concerned about me getting mad for leaving me at the table. So I thought this would be a good night to do a 180. Make him feel like he doesn't have to be that person. And I can go and have a great time on my own.

Should I go?