update - met H for lunch this week (my request). Talked about his inability to pay the bills he took on and brainstormed with him some ideas. He has the paperwork for the D filing ready, asked what name I'll use post-D. We are going to meet at the courthouse next Friday and file jointly.
I've been in a bit of a slump since then... nothing I'd verbalized with my friends/family but just blue. I want H to be happy, and that means happy even without me, but to see him and sit across the table and talk, and make that eye contact, and have a hug at the end that seemed a little firmer and longer than it needed to be (or was it just me and wishful thinking?), all cause me to feel a little sad.
I've had a song on my mind for awhile and wanted to post it here:
Don Henley The Heart Of The Matter lyrics
I got the call today That I didn't wanna hear But I knew that it would come An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone She said you'd found someone And I thought of all the bad luck, and the struggles we went through And how I lost me and you lost you What are these voices outside love's open door Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more? I'm learning to live without you now But I miss you sometimes The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about...forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me anymore Ah...these times are so uncertain There's a yearning undefined and people filled with rage We all need a little tenderness How can love survive in such a graceless age? Ah...the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness They're the very things - we kill I guess... Ohh pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms And the work I put between us you know it doesn't keep me warm I'm learning to live without you now But I miss you, baby And the more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I'd figured out I have to learn again I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter But I think it's about...forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore There are people in your life who've come and gone They let you down, you know they hurt your pride You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if, you don't love me... Forgiveness (yeah) Forgiveness (baby) Forgiveness (ohh)
