Can I save my marriage?

[Lll54]

Had an eye opening conversation with H today. He is hot one day cold the next, and today was a cold day. I'm tired of these hot and cold days. I'm tired of confusion. I'm tired of wondering what is going to happen from one day to the next. Today is day one of letting go. Today is a new start for me. I'm gonna lose my mind if I don't. I need to heal. And its not going to happen the way things are going.

[TrentC]

Today is day one of letting go. Today is a new start for me. I'm gonna lose my mind if I don't. I need to heal. And its not going to happen the way things are going.

You can do it; we wouldn't be burying you in 2x4's if we thought you couldn't.

[Super Girl]

Yes, britt, you CAN do it. We all need to stop letting these jokers be in control of our emotions.

[Coach]

We all need to stop letting these jokers be in control of our emotions.

There is a term for that when you let someone else control your emotions it's called .....

[TrentC]

Had an eye opening conversation with H today. He is hot one day cold the next, and today was a cold day. I'm tired of these hot and cold days.

Not to derail your efforts to start detaching, but we have pointed out in the past that good days will often be followed by bad days, as they pull back to evaluate what the good days mean to them:

"Wow, britt and I had a lot of fun last night. Maybe I should rethink this moving out thing. No! I still meant what I said, she may be trying to change but it won't stick, she's just doing it to get me back. I'll show her!"

As time goes on, the pullbacks may become less frequent and shorter as your H becomes convinced of the sincerity of your changes.

[Lll54]

Okay well how long does the pullback last? Its been almost two weeks now since our breakthrough. Yes there has been little positives since then but he keeps pulling back. Do you just wait forever?

[TrentC]

Until he stops pulling back, yes.

Like I said, hopefully the pullbacks will become less frequent and not last as long, as he tries to adjust to the new reality of things.

[robx]

Had an eye opening conversation with H today. He is hot one day cold the next, and today was a cold day. I'm tired of these hot and cold days. I'm tired of confusion. I'm tired of wondering what is going to happen from one day to the next. Today is day one of letting go. Today is a new start for me. I'm gonna lose my mind if I don't. I need to heal. And its not going to happen the way things are going.

Britt I don't know what to say.
This is all about you, that's all I hear right now.
You've been at this for 5 weeks if that, people go through this for alot longer and don't complain as much.

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that this nearly obsessive compulsive behavior may have contributed to your current marital situation. Are you on him like this 24/7? Also, this hot & cold business, sometimes we project our own feelings on to other people and make it look like they are that with us or we even mirror other people so that we mimic their behavior - is it possible your hot & cold with him.

You made a point earlier that you were going to get the kids vaccinated, you wanted him to help originally but then you decided that you didn't need him, you could do it without him and you ended up getting your sister to help you - so you didn't need him there but then you complained that he didn't contact you to ask about the kids. You've complained in previous posts that he didn't take care of the kids as per your standards. I'm thinking maybe he knows this and maybe he's tried in the past but you keep repeating this behavior with him so that he knows that whatever he does isn't good enough. He knows when you have the kids you'll get the job done the right way and he is secure in the fact that if you with the kids, you always do the right thing. But he probably knows & feels that when it's him & the kids, whatever he does isn't going to be good enough and after a while of feeling this, he probably just gives up trying - no matter what he does, it's never going to be good enough, in that type of environment it's easy to see why someone would leave: they will never be appreciated for anything they do and they believe that no matter what they do it won't be good enough.

It seems every other day, you're going back & forth.
Trying to get him back and then complaining that the progress isn't fast enough and you need something for you. You're tired of the confusion, you're tired of wondering, you're tired of the uncertainty, you're going to lose your mind, he's not doing what he should be doing, he's not good enough in this respect or that respect, you need time to heal, things aren't working if they continue going in this direction.

Are you sure it's your husband that causing you this grief or maybe it's you that causing it for yourself.

Keep your expectations low, accept him as he is and realize that the only person you can change is you.

You made really good progress for what was 5 weeks of db'ing but now you're getting greedy and wanting everything to happen now, you've been on this forum, check out some of the registration dates for the users that are still posting questions & status updates for their situations: 5 weeks is nothing.

Slow down, take a few breaths and realize that you can't force this problem to be fixed.

This problem didn't happen in 5 weeks and it won't get fixed in 5 weeks either.

Again I'm not here to bust your a$$,
just reminding you that if you want your spouse back,
it won't be by busting his a$$ either.

Take a break for yourself and for him, do something nice just for you, get some rest and go do something fun. Get your mind off of this, sometimes these issues can consume a person's thoughts making everything else we work on very difficult.

[Lll54]

Just another vent session of my day today:

Today I called him to discuss babysitting issues for the big banquet tomorrow night and he was so cold to me. Didn't really care to talk to me, he was just different than he's been lately. And he was pretty much shooing me off the phone. I've been the one to end our conversations lately and now he's doing the same to me!

I think I also messed up today. I think I pursued. And I was so good at not pursuing! He plays hockey tomorrow in a tourny and I told him I was going to bring S3 by to watch a game, cause he loves watching daddy play hockey. He didn't really respond much than "ya". I totally wasn't doing it for me it was soley for my son as he loves watching H play. I think he saw it in a different way. So I've decided not to even go. I feel bad cause I went against the whole pursuing thing. Its bothering me now tonight. I was doing so good! Oh well can't go back and erase it, just gotta move on to tomorrow.

[TrentC]

Just another vent session of my day today:

Today I called him to discuss babysitting issues for the big banquet tomorrow night and he was so cold to me. Didn't really care to talk to me, he was just different than he's been lately. And he was pretty much shooing me off the phone. I've been the one to end our conversations lately and now he's doing the same to me!

You might want to read robx's post, then re-read what you just wrote.

Why did you call him to discuss babysitting issues? As in, one of you is going to be watching the kids for the other, or you are getting a third person to watch the kids for both of you?

If you really wanted to just bring S3 to see his dad play hockey, you should have just done it, and then left after the game was over. But no, you needed to let him know that you were bringing the kid. Why? You could have told him after the fact that you saw the game. He might've gotten a thrill to look up and see the two of you watching the game unannounced.

You have way too much contact with him, for someone who is living outside of your home, and not just for kid-related essential conversations. You are interacting with him on a daily basis; there's no room for detaching, or going dark, or GALing in there. I'm reminded of a T-shirt I saw once: "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

So there would be a good 180 to try -- try to go the rest of the weekend with as little contact as possible with him. Don't use the kids as an excuse; if he picks them up, tell him to have a good time and leave them be. If he drops them off, thank him and go find someplace else to be.