I will hold my head up high knowing that if I died tomorrow and faced Jesus, He would be proud of the effort I gave towards my marriage and I did it with Grace and Dignity (98% of the time).
Good for you.
I hope those sermons were of some use. I listen to them from time to time.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I saved them so I can listen to them whenever I want...
I hope you are having a wonderful night
It's not too bad. Making dinner then heading to bed a little early. I'm glad you enjoyed them.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I hope you had a wonderful dinner and some great sleep...Sleep is still eluding me, no matter how "much" I sleep, it seems to be not enough and I always wake up feeling "off" and unrested.
Today I woke up feeling jittery and weepy (I abhor the weepiness) and emotionally stretched so I am going to try to work through this somehow.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I hope you had a wonderful dinner and some great sleep...Sleep is still eluding me, no matter how "much" I sleep, it seems to be not enough and I always wake up feeling "off" and unrested.
Dinner was good; homemade chicken soup.
It's a new recipe that needs a little tweaking, as it was kinda bland; maybe needed a bay leaf or some basil.
I ended up going to bed late because my wife wanted to spend some time on the couch watching TV with me. Given that I expected her to be logged into WoW all night, how could I refuse?
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
Today I woke up feeling jittery and weepy (I abhor the weepiness) and emotionally stretched so I am going to try to work through this somehow.
Well, I'm still having interrupted sleep; my eyes pop open around 2-4 a.m. (4 a.m. is the worst, because my alarm goes off at 5 and I'm not likely to fall asleep before then.)
I plan to talk to my IC about that, see if she recommends getting a prescription for something to help.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I can relate about the sleep. I feel really tired during the day because this has been so emotionally draining. I sleep alright, but it's the waking up that is the hardest part. I awake, and for an instant everything is fine. Then the reality sets in that I'm going through a D while I listen to H snoring away in the guest room. Then I hear him in the shower, and the movie Psycho comes to mind. I need to detach like I've never detached before. Maybe we can root each other on with what we've been doing to detach. It seems to be coming pretty easy for me lately.
(((MJ))) ~ Good as always to see you and you can count on me to root for you my friend - Anytime...
After you see my following vent, you will see why it is probably a good idea H is not in my house at this time and why I am apparently not as detached as I "think" I am.
Vent ~ As I stated above, I didn't wake up in a good mood today...
I know my sleep is off and when my sleep is off, my meds feel off which in turn make for a not so emotionally stable me...
Work dragged on and and the rage I have been feeling since he told me he was going to Church with that homewrecker was just sitting there manifesting...
I tried my usual techniques, music, breathing, walking outside for fresh air etc...
Nothing, I could feel it bubbling to the surface and there was nothing I could do to stop it...
I came home just foul and ready for a fight, I just needed an opponent...
That would come in the form of my 6 year old who has turned into a very clingy, foul mouthed little boy in recent months...
The cursing I am working on, the clinginess I of course understand and normally we just do things together because I am trying to show him stability in any form...
Today just wasn't the day...
It turned into a screaming match between him and I (being the grown-up I do know better) and me in turn spanking him...
If you know me you know that is rare, I don't spank because quite frankly I have a hard time controlling my temper on a good day, I have anger as the main emotion with my bi-polar and once I hit that "rage" there is no turning back...
I have physically harmed people and not even remembered doing it when I am pushed that far so I don't spank...
Well tonight I did (no I didn't hurt him) and my son being 1/2 of me just doesn't know when to stop...
He kept pushing my buttons so I put him to bed early...
By then the rage wall was up and I was so mad I was shaking, mad at myself for getting that angry, mad he wouldn't listen to me no matter what I said, angry at my H for all the s**t he has pulled, mad that I still want him back and I still care, mad that he didn't love me enough not to cheat and then didn't love me enough to stay and work on things...
No matter that I am medicated, the thoughts started flying through my head and I couldn't stop them...
The mind movies, all the conversations of the last 8 months we have had, the lies, the hurtful words hurled, the justifications, the denial, the projections etc....
All of it flying at the speed of light through my head and I found myself in the bathroom and the damage had already been done and I didn't even feel the first 15 cuts...
I haven't self-harmed in 7 months...
I have learned new coping techniques instead of the old ones I used to use so WTF did I allow myself to go that far down?
The anger beast is sleeping once again...
Yes I put a call into my Dr. to see about adjusting my meds once again and yes that makes me mad as well...
Because based on his BS I have to keep adjusting my meds to get through something I never asked for...
Jerkface.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I will be setting aside time to pray for you tonight.
(((Serenity)))
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
